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Hi I am in a year long relationship with a nearly 2 year sober AA member, but its been a roller coaster ride. He is job hunting for the third time in one year. He has gotten fired twice and my AA sponser is saying end the relationship. I have many yrs of recovery myself and feel I am burdened with a teenager.
I helped him the last 2 times he was unemployed with resume - online searching etc. My issue is in my life I had deficits of my own and people "helped" me along the way..but now I am angry with his job ending and him being unemployed AGAIN.
I have the house - the mortgage and a secure- good income, and it has been my sense and others that he is using me for a warm bed and security. My sponsor told me to end it on the weekend and now i am giving one more chance to get his act together and be self supporting..but I have my doubts that he can function in a job and be honest. I know if I were sponsering
My definition of caretaking is doing something for someone else that they can do for themselves, .. especially if it leaves me feeling angry and resentful. I probably don't need to do it. It sounds like you want him to have a job far more than he wants him to have a job.
My suggestion would be pray about it, take a breath and be gentle with yourself. Personally I think you have a wise sponsor to suggest maybe not ending the relationship however how about a break? That is totally up to you and what you and the guidence of the HP of your understanding comes to the conclusion is best for you. If you sober and this is affecting your sobriety in any way then .. to me sobriety always comes first this includes emotional sobriety and spiritual fitness.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
thanks P for your thoughts...you have wise comments - he seems relieved that he isn't working - I contacted my pastor this am also to get his thoughts..I read the co-dependent characteristics this am and its me for sure!
Yes its affected my sobriety, spirituality and all the rest! I am going to pray today and do the best I can for me today. I can't even look at him - he needs alot more help from a sponsor, pastor anyone but me!
He probably does love you to the degree that he is capable of, but he just needs to grow up more in AA. My first attempts at relationships early on in sobriety were similar to what you are describing. I didn't know that I still had all these character defects and I was imposing my will on others to enable and take care of me. I didn't and couldn't truly work the steps while clinging to people for enabling. I grew the most when I broke off from those relationships and took steps to being independent. Of course it was wrong that I unintentially used other people through relationships, but I didn't know any better at the time. I thought I was doing the right thing.
You can still love and be in a relationship with him if you choose, but get out of the way of his recovery (or lack there of). If codependency is hindering his growth, it might benefit him more to be living on his own while dating you....That's another option. When you love someone, you can see that they need to grow up more. Similar to a child, they need to be pushed out of the nest and you do it out of love. I guess that's why they term it loving detachment....
Maragal, I guess you have to really be honest with yourself and ask yourself tough questions- are you really committed to the relationship? Is there a future in it? Is the toll it is taking on you outweighing the good? Is it a healthy fullfilling relationship for you? Don't stay with someone if you deserve better and if the person is dragging you down rather than uplifting you. You're not married yet so you ARE "allowed" to break up with someone and don't have to be guilt tripped or manipulated into staying if it's not right. Good luck- hugs! Lydia
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"my country is the world, and my religion is to do good" (Thomas Paine)
Thanks everyone for your thoughtful and considerate comments :). I have said the same thing to him and I guess myself - I am not married to him and of course am looking at my future and retirement one day. Even though we are supposed to live in today - at my age mid fifties I am planning for retirement.
I read yesterday the co-dependent traits and I have to say I behave and think alot in those ways. I have caused myself this grief out of my own dependency issues. I have asked him to leave at least 3 times in a year. Begged, pleaded, cried, got angry, silent treatment, etc - for him to change and do what I wanted. Then without too much change on his part I let him back in..this is my own inability to be alone.
I wonder the price many women and perhaps men pay to just have another body around to keep them company - me included.
I think its time for me to take the high road, grow up myself (age is just a number) and do the right thing - caretaking someone too much, or having them around to caretake me if I need it - is not a good enough reason to be especially living with someone.
I have done a mini step 4 on this and admitted my part...which is always the best route...cause I can't change anyone else. I khow that I need to step back and really let go and let god - and I will know what the next step is.
Today is a new day and I am going to work my program and turn my life and will over, and take whatever action is needed.
Good for you maragal- those are some very healthy rational thoughts. Maybe this person is taking years off your life with the stress and drama involved. Asking him to leave 3 times in one year... doesn't sound like there's much of a future there, so why not move on sooner rather than later? It does not matter how old you are. When I decided to stop getting into destructive relationships I joined up on online dating sites. It was fun to outline who I am and what I am looking for in a partner- it was fun to browse the "fish in the sea" being interested in some men, and even laughing at the creeps or weirdoes. From college kids to the elderly it's a good safe way to move on from a damaging relationship and see who's out there and find the right partner for yourself. Good luck and stay strong!
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"my country is the world, and my religion is to do good" (Thomas Paine)
Just thought I would update my situation as a thank you to those who took the time to respond to my question - "When is it caretaking"?
call it divine intervention but I was able to let go and ask my alcoholic to leave - it was messy and there was swearing and threats on both parts, but friday 600 pm he had left.
At times I felt like I was in a pool of heavy, murkey water trying to keep my head above water, but I was getting thrown around.
I contacted my pastor for support and prayer as well as my AA sponser, and it was peaceful when I came home. The pastor is great and seems to understand the situation and how couples and relationships play out. He basically said its important for the individual to work on their own journey and there could be 3 outcomes - reconciliation(don't think so), friends, or no contact.
Now the work really begins..I will keep trying to work the steps mindful of both programs - and hopefully can attend some Alanon meetings for support.
Most of the time in the relationship I felt like his sister/compainon/mother, but never really a lover - which I don't know about the anyone else...but that caused me to feel lousy about myself.
I was able to attend the church service last night and it was great...holding my head up as I know my creator loves me in good and bad times.
I feel like a real slow learner and kind of ashamed that being in the program so long and then falling for a newcomer..I hope that in the future I don't repeat the same behaviours...As I pray for everyone else the same.
blessings to everyone and hope today finds you at peace with your selves and the world.
