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level.
Hi everyone, I am new to this board. But I am not new to the ravages of addiction. I am going through a particularly hard time right now so I guess I need to get some things off my chest and get some feedback. My mother has struggled with addictive issues for close to 30 years. She has never admitted to having a problem, although she has lost a marriage, her mental and physical health and made several suicide attempts. Within the last couple of weeks, she has gotten into serious legal trouble and could face prison time if found guilty. This is the first arrest and legal problem I am aware of. And while I do not know if these legal issues are true or related to her addiction, I strongly suspect that this is the case. Even if she is not guilty, the doubt is there because of the past history of similar behaviors and lying.
I am in therapy and I have always struggled with setting boundaries. So this is a challenge for me. I have told her that the best way for me to support her is to pray for her and offered to bring her to church with me. I also let her know that it's important she talk with a therapist about her feelings, and I gave her the number for the suicide helpline. In the past, I have been the sounding board, the therapist, and the suicide intervener. I don't want to do it anymore. My stance (and change in behavior) about this situation is not being received well by anyone in my family.
I feel like I am butting up against every co-dependent tendency I have. I don't know what is real or right. There is no black and white, no right answer here. I just know that I feel like a horrible person and I keep thinking "How could I abandon my mom?" and lots of other judgmental thoughts about myself. I just don't know if I am doing the right thing, and I know that no one here can really tell me that, but I would love to hear how others have handled similar experiences. I feel very alone right now.
I don't know how new this "change" in behavior is for you. You have been raised to caretake her and enable her. She can push your buttons because she is the one that installed the buttons. For most of us, even those without addicted moms, our mothers have a hold on us like no other.
Hence, I really empathize cuz it's a total connundrum to not listen to your mom and do what she says even though you know it's wrong - Essentially, I am picturing a computer or a robot responding to these two opposing forces 1. "I am your mother. Do what I say and help me cuz I raised you to respect me and do what I say." 2. "I am your mother and I raised you to do what is right." The computer or robot would start flashing "error error! Does not compute!!!" and then it would blow up. So therefore, I can only imagine how hard it is to deal with this paradox as a human being.
I guess it's best to try and separate mom from her addiction. It's not wrong that you practice your program and stick to your boundaries. What is wrong is the trainwreck of tragedy that addiction has done to her life. There is no way to side step that and it just sucks. Nothing you do will make that better for her or make it go away. You can only love her. You can't fix her or take her disease away. If you try, it will take you down too.
