The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
LOL!! Reminds me of being told that I get out of it what I put into it and all those shares about the other three fingers pointing back. It took me two trips to learn
how to get "into" the program and years to learn how to practice it and keep it with me. My very best thinking got me into the program. I was soooo sure of myself
that I was soooo right that I didn't have a clue about how I earned the consequences I earned. Why should I be in this program because she drinks and uses and
then I got the picture which included me in it. I got out of it what I put into it and it almost cost my life. It always was okay for me to make my own decisions. It was
expected of me to do that and I was given the freedom and the pat on the butt to go do it. I didn't know then that I would need an entire other family to stand with
me and support me and be willing to share their successes with me so that I could change me and become the person I wanted to be or to move on being the same
old person I was. If nothing changes....nothing changes...Keep doing the same things over and over again expecting different result is the living definition of insanity.
No thanks, My observation of Al-Anon is based on long experience...helping others and being helped by others. Thank you God (oooops can't forget a power greater than myself) for the AFG. ((((hugs)))) gratitude.
I learned I could only speak for myself and not for the rest of the fellowship. The above was "just for me".
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 29th of January 2013 11:03:41 PM
I have been in the program a while and I am really enjoying it and growing a lot. I have noticed that some long timers seem a little cold-ish. I am one to believe that we should not totally shut off out emotions/feelings and let ourselved feel...I have come across people (including my sponor) who I feel seems a little bit robotic to a point. I hope that doesnt sound mean. I heard the saying once "You got to feel it to heal it" and I guess I believe that to be true. I will admit that I do linger in the "feelings" world a little too much sometimes and can get stuck there but I do notice that alanoners seem to eventually portray this distant/non attachment stance....maybe not all of them but a lot of them. It seems that they are even unhappy in their marriages and yet won't do anything about bringing them closer to their spouses - it's as if they just live together and there is no real intimacy....well, that is not what I want for myself and if alanon brings that kind of independance then that doesn't seem right to me...I have heard these people talking about how independant they are from their spouse and the relationship seems to be not a real connection. I want to learn from these people but I don't want to turn into a person who doesn't let myself feel and I am noticing a trend within the alanon of ---YES, really strong, mature, good people but also people who seem to be closed off to feelings of intimacy, and cold to a point. I honesltly hesitate to call a lot of the old timers in the program because of this. I say all this with kindness in my heard I just can't figure out what to do with these thoughts and I just cannot deny the commanality of this in the alanon meetings that I attend. If I have to be a walking zombie and not let myself feel then I am not sure I want to be in it. Thanks for listening.
Oh I feel you! This statement is not intended to insult or injure al anon. BUT WHAT THE H*!! are any of us thinking- to continue to be exposed to this S**T and continue to TIP TOE while "THEY" recover. WHY? WHY? WHY?.... for the kids, the mortgage payment, the sex? WHAT? Life is too short too be SO MISERABLE, LONELY, And Continue to rehash and re-live the hell we have endured. We endured that h*!! out of disregard to our own soul. Through Al Anon I am learning to disregard my own soul isn't kosher... so WHY? do I stick around the A and flip around like a fish out of water? I come back here looking for the "golden ticket" if you will...those magic words to free myself from my own self inflicted H*!!....I have searched and searched and yet to find...the words telling me it is okay to leave the A behind me and move forward. Or maybe I have found those words and cannot accept them. I don't know...I am spinning out today.....
Funny thing - when I stopped reacting emotionally to everything mr exA did, he complained that I was too matter-of-fact, too cold acting. As a co-dependant enabler I reacted exactly the way he needed me to react - everything was chaos, insane, full of crazy making fighting - he pushed the buttons, I reacted to the buttons being pushed. Only by backing out of the game, detaching my heart and emotions from the playing field, was I able to step away and view what was going on from an objective observers' point of view, without the distraction of emotion, and really SEE the truth in his lies.
I have not given up on feeling real deep true emotions where they are warranted, cherished, appreciated and reciprocated. Respect must be earned, love must be protected from harm; the wall I've raised between me and people like him, has been raised to protect the loving side of me from damage by those who would use and abuse it. I still lament the life he could have lived with me; I can still close my eyes and remember the caring, loving way I felt. But, in order to protect myself, the blinders must remain off, I must embrace this new-found ability to see the truth without emotions' cloud.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I first contacted Al-Anon about 35 years ago, and although I did not like all of the personalities we certainly helped each other work the program.
One special sponsor and friend was particularly generous with her listening with non judgement. She died about 10 years ago and I truly miss her.
Often in the early years of Al-Anon we can think that if......he stopped drinking, if.....he would go to counselling....if he would.....you name it.....then things would be much better and we would be able to show each other how much we loved each other.
That is a dream and hope we all have, but as we grow in understanding and years certain decisions have to be made....again and again. Certain aspects of couples living together are weighted against other aspects.
It may be that a lack of emotions shown by the AH, except anoyance, and a need of loving feelings expressed have been explained over and over to the AH without the behaviour improving. There may have been continual hurt when trying to be closer in intimacy. If this happens there may be other practical behaviour improvements that tip the balance towards staying, particually if the AH is sober.
You may get some insight to members stories if they have written in their profile.
The very important concept in Al-Anon is not to give advice but to share experiences and encouragement. It it better to keep ones mouth shut in meetings rather than bring up all the negative problems that may arise for others. A good example is when one goes to a wedding of a young couple....would one talk about the feelings and examples of all the problems they could have in the coming years. No, we would keep our feeling to ourself and congratulate and encourage them.
Al-Anon is a fellowship of caring. We are not perfect and we all have our burdens, some well hidden and it is important to remember that we all struggle from time to time.
I was just reflecting on my early days in alanon and what I have learned in the many years I have attended. Compassion, empathy, respect, love, understanding, acceptance gentleness, courtesy are all feelings I have found and learned to feel safe enough expressing both in the rooms and out in the world.
Before alanon I was in REACT mode and I was constantly bouncing off everyone else's feelings and not feeling my own feelings. My go to feelings were automatic- anger, resentment, gossip, self pity and fear Learning to not react, think and respond gave me an ability to respond with positive feelings and an open mind as opposed to destructive anger, fear, control
Not sure what you are sensing at the meetings but I always feel the warmth and connection as soon as I enter an alanon room.
I think I know what you are saying because I think I am there too. When I talk about my AH who is now sober for 12 years and we have been married since 1971, it often is with annoyance. He got sober in year 2000 and before that it was not a fun time. But in the beginning we got along very well (and frankly we get along well now.... because of AlAnon and AA.) There is a lot of water under the bridge that I am sure colors everything I say about him. But alcoholism changed him. He always said when we were younger that he never wanted to be like his dad. I believed him. His dad hurt him in many ways. Now, he is like his dad....and he doesn't even see it. He has good times and good moods and good stuff....but when that bad side comes out it brings me right back to the bad old days. He can remind me of the bad side in a second. And then I cringe and don't trust. More might be coming. But then again, maybe not.
I reserve my (from hotrod) "Compassion, empathy, respect, love, understanding, acceptance gentleness, courtesy are all feelings I have found and learned to feel safe enough expressing both in the rooms and out in the world." for all the other people that I meet because before AlAnon I thought my relationship with my spouse was the only important thing in the world. Turns out AlAnon showed me another way that works for me. I use it with the hubby when I feel it is safe...but I retreat and am very detached to also keep myself safe.
hi, i have been in alanon for about 8 months and i feel more open, loving and compassionate than ive been in years. im making real connections with people in my life thanks to this fellowship.
before recovery my life and emotions were a mess. i was obsessed about my ex ah. i was miserable and the love replaced with resentment and ill will.he manipulated me and i let him, he abused me in different ways and i let him. i punished him in my own passive aggressive way and on and on, damaging each other for years. then i left him and for a long time i thpught this made me strong but through listening at meetings, really listening i have learned that it takes such a lot of strength to stay. people who do stay must detach to survive. this is not cold but actually is a healthy love for oneself and compassion for the a.
maybe you need to look within yourself to search out your feelings of unease. when i feel this way there is usually something going on with me.
I really hope I did not come across as harsh or judgmental. I do agree that I need to look within myself. I do know that some people have to really detach to survive especially if they are still in the abusive situations. I totally understand and get that. I have to do that around my mother. I guess I just have a fear that I will become too detached. I know that I need to look more within myself about this. I do believe that it is wise for the alanon program to make sure to not sway others to detach too much to a point where there is no feeling/connection with others. I feel that too much separation can cause good marriages to grow apart. Speaking for myself I do not want to have that kind of marriage and I am going to make sure that I don't get too independant from my husband. The divorce rate is over 50% now and if anything....I believe that it is essetial for me to protect my marriage and make sure I don't make the program my addiction. I will keep coming back and owning my part as I know that I have a lot to work on and a lot more to uncover about myself and this disease.
