The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone, my name is slogan_jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.
This weekend I was flipping through the TV in an effort to pass the time. I came across a show that profiled aboriginal canadians and some of their struggles. They profiled a comedian by the name of Howie Miller. I had heard of him before and seen his routine, very funny. The show portrayed a more serious side to the comedian and his views on his aboriginal heritage.
He mentioned how in the past some people have told him to just 'get over it'. His response was what really clicked something in my head (principles above personalities). He said something to the effect of 'we can't get over it, because it hasn't been fixed' refering to some of the issues facing aborignal communities in Canada, which includes excessive use of drugs and alcohol.
Growing up in an alcoholic home, I never had a stable home. As a result I had some very low self-esteem and was afraid to bring friends over and let people into my life. I was afraid to date, and when I did, I came on very strong and quickly, scaring them away. When a girl I felt some really beautiful gave me an opening, I never took it, deeming myself unworthy. I was looking for the stability and approval I never got from any other women in my life.
Over the last few months, I have been yurning for some affection and companionship. I questioned why it has been bugging me so much. I kept venting my frustrations to this board, my friends, my sponsor and would get the same response each time; hang in there, when it's meant to be your higher power will bring the right people into your life. I knew it was true and yet my mind kept going back to the hopeless worst case scenario where I panic and react in fear. That's when it hit me, I can't get over it because it hasn't been fixed. Much like the situation with the aboriginals, even though there has been some progress in other areas, the one thing that's at the root of a lot of this has not been fixed. I don't have a large family, I don't have my own family, i don't have a girlfriend, and I have not so much as come close in attaining them. I can't just move on and get over it and wait because it has yet to be fixed, even in a small capacity.
I turn to my group for support, for hugs, for sharing, but it's not the same. I will never get my high school years back, I will never get my college years back, my twenties are 1 year away from being gone. It still hasn't been fixed, and for that I refuse to just 'get over it'
I hear you. I was in a sick relationship for so long - since age 14 I am like a dating virgin. I want to be loved - in a healthy way - but found myself moving too quickly in my first relationships during and after my divorce. Then I read a Dear Abby article. Someone wrote in and said they have a 90 day rule. No spending mass amounts of time together, no heavy make out sessions and no sex! So I thought, ok...that article came out after a fast and furious fling with a bad boy. A guy I knew was not going to be right for me.
So I had been talking to another guy on a dating site (during the bad boy stretch) but hadn't been able to meet. I wasn't sure about him. He seemed nice and all but he seemed nice! Soon after the fling and the article we finally had a chance to meet. He is a nice guy. There is chemistry. We met for coffee and went on a movie date later that week. We talk. We even discussed Dear Abby's 90 day thing. He's on board. He wants a meaningful relationship as do I. So we are spending the next 90 days getting to know each other. So far, so good.
Now, it hasn't been perfect because of course, coming from sick, I've tried to push the envelope. Yes, me. Would be dysfunctional without testing, right? Then was put in my place about it...no being feisty. Spend time, ask questions, live life in between, go to work, take care of my kid. He respects all these things in my life. The kind of person I say I want and now have to follow through and be the person that can be with that person.
I don't know where this will go but I would recommend the 90 day rule for yourself. I think I've learned more about this guy in two weeks than the guy I dated over the summer for 3 months! There is something to be said about that...we won't see each other this week (schedule conflicts - he works 2nd shift & goes out of state to visit his child every other weekend) but I am looking forward to a planned hike the following weekend. Time spent together.
So that's my share. You will find someone eventually, you should try the 90 day rule and you should live life in between too! In my ever so humble opinion. Oh, and if you meet someone and you try the 90 day rule and have trouble - you can always send me a note and I promise to talk you off the ledge! 3 short months to get to know someone...so worth it!
Aloha Jim and thanks for the share...I'm way past high school and college and it seems my twenties years have a BC after them. LOL my wife can tell me that I as old as dirt because she's closing in on me too. How about changing the "it" in fixing "it" to "Me" as in fixing "Me". For me changing my perceptions helped to widen my undertanding and vision. Listening to the elders and asking them for help went a long ways toward altering my perceptions. I can "get over" stuck points often by changing my perception of the picture of it...adding perceptions of others to add to mine and being more realistic. A large part of my life is about aboriginal issues. Hawaiians of course are indigenous and aboriginal and national. We have found that what is often most important for us is getting "thru" it and taking the lesson with us forward. That is what I was taught in recovery. Something (for me) is best gotten over when the residual of hope is present. (((hugs)))
