The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all. Sorry, this is going to be kinda long. I feel like I don't have many I can talk to about this who would understand. My sister is the alcoholic in this case. She lives just caddy-corner from me, a block away. Her son is 6, my son is 7, so go to school together, I see them every day, etc. Sometimes lately I can focus on myself, and distance myself from worrying about her and her son ("C"), but today I'm really worried and really having trouble focusing. Okay...C is starting to have behavioral problems...nothing major...just acting up in school, and getting really agressive with my sister, like biting and headbutting her in the stomach. Also, he seems sick a lot. It's also worth mentioning that their house is really starting to be in state of disrepair. The roof really leaks. The ceiling is slowly deteriorating all over the house. It's worst in C's bedroom. Most of the celling in his room has fallen apart. I have gotten hand-me-downs from her to give my other son that have positively REEKED of mold. I haven't been in there in a while, I don't like spending any time over there. But last time I looked...a year? Year and a half ago? I'd say two-thirds of his ceiling has fallen apart. There's more that's falling apart in the house, but the roof/ceilings are the worst. To me, it seems as if the house is just like, some physical evidence of her whole life just falling apart. Husband is "out" a lot, and when he is home, he's sleeping. She knows she has a problem, cos she had an assessment at a rehab place in our metro area around Dec. 2011. But she didn't like what they told her and she just sorta decided not to do anything about it because to her it "wasn't feasible" or some such thing, I dunno. And she and I have not spoken about her drinking at all since then. I know it's going to be EXTREMELY hard for her to stop, and I don't even know if her husband would stop. When she did ask him--4 1/2 years ago I think--to stop drinking so that SHE could stop, he was like, "No. You're the one with the problem, not me." Cos it's going to be almost impossible for her to stop while she's living with him, and he's drinking. By the way, he's had a cavity for a year and a half, the nearby univ. did a school screening in Nov. 2011 I think, and as far as I know, she took him to a dentist finally after several months of procrastinating. They said he needs an oral surgeon. She questioned that advice, and was going to get a second opinion, but as far as know, she has not done that. Other than the ceiling in the bedroom C sleeps in, and the tooth decay problem, he's kinda taken care of. But that being said, her life is an absolute WRECK and it's affecting her little boy's well-being. It just drives me crazy that she refuses to do anything. I feel like I want to do something. All the time, I think of calling child protective services, thinking maybe if an investigator shows up and tells her, Hey, this is not a healthful living space, that MAYBE she'll do something about it. I do know there are two separate issues here: the house, and her drinking. But in my mind, they're kind of linked, because I suspect if she started getting help and getting her life in order, maybe she'd do something about her house.
Sorry so long. I feel a little better just typing all this out.
__________________
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.-Marianne Williamson
I believe many of the social workers and long term members will reply with much great advice. I'm glad you posted. It sounds like this child is in serious danger. Acting out is probably due to what is going at home and if he's living with two alcoholic parents I'm sure he's living a nightmare every waking moment. Again, I'm glad you posted and I think you'll find help here and knowledge about your situation.
Like Afraid Parent, I felt that somebody with more experience would have something to share. I think somebody needs to report this situation to CPS. That poor little boy is living in a moldy environment, at the least, and what that can do to his little body and his brain is not good. There is always hesitation about getting involved, opening up a can of worms. But somebody needs to be a champion for the child. Some years ago a friend told me that she had seen our elderly friend at the grocers and she had bruises. We both suspected that her drug-using son had hurt her. And she had denied to my friend that anything was wrong. I didn't know what to do, and did nothing. Now I know that there are elder abuse numbers to call. I feel so bad that I didn't help her, and she had a husband and another son. But I didn't do anything, and I feel very very bad about that.
__________________
It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Thanks Afraidparent, I know I'll find support here, too. I'm glad you guys are here. I have a list in my smart phone calendar of all the Al-Anon meetings in my area every day of the week, but during the day, when I need to vent, I'm glad you guys are here. I have been close to calling CPS to investigate my sis and C (her 6 y.o. son.) I have also called C's teacher (confidentially of course) ..and also remember my son and C go to the same school, so altho they're not in the same, class, I know C's teacher) and let her know what's going on at home, so she knows why he's sometimes a problem and also to watch for signs of neglect. She said, and confirmed with me, that he is not in any immediate physical danger, and is fed and clothed, so I'm getting the impression it may not be time to call CPS, at least not yet anyway. Sis is definitely progressing in her disease though. My husband and I had a Christmas party, and he and I are completely alcohol-free. We each have family histories of alcoholism, and both have mood disorder issues, so we believe it's best to keep it completely out of the house. We made that clear to everyone attending the party. It wasn't a problem. Well, Sis sneaked alcohol in her purse and was drinking in the bathroom. We could hear it in her voice and smell it on her breath that she'd been drinking while she was here. She also puts beer in her water bottle when she goes to the school to pick up C. I don't know why I'm telling you all this...maybe to confirm that I'm not blowing this out of proportion. The best thing that came out of the party was that now my mom and brother and cousin all know what's going on too; the problem has been exposed. Here's another twist to this. Please tell me what you think of this. I had to get this off of my chest, and talk about setting boundaries with a neutral party, so I met with our church minister to discuss this. Of course he was very supportive. Well, it now turns out that he has become friends with my brother-in-law, sis' husband. Part of me wants to talk to the minister again, and say, "Hey, look, remember when I talked to you in December about my alcoholic sister? And remember how her husband wouldn't quit drinking? Well, the husband is your friend. Will you talk to him and try and get him to realize the gravity of this situation?" But I am thinking that doesn't seem fair, to ask him to do that and complicate his friendship with my brother-in-law. He could come in handy if we decided to do an intervention at some point, but it might not really be ethical to ask him to put himself in *that* role either. I just feel like I have to DO SOMETHING. I did read in an Al-Anon pamphlet that the best thing for me to do is take care of myself. I also called the rehab place where Sis had the eval in Dec 2011 for advice. (Sis signed a release for me to talk to them but it expiried.) She was great to talk to but also confirmed that the best thing for me to do is to attend Al-Anon meetings and take care of myself. I'm wondering if there's something else specifically I could do. Thank you for "listening"!
__________________
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.-Marianne Williamson
Well, I did it. I called Child Protective Services and made a confidential report. I am so afraid she'll find out it's me and confront me, and I'm so afraid I won't be able to hold my composure and just tell her, "I'm worried about you, and especially C. He's hurting. If you're angry, I am sorry. I feel that he is in danger. I love C, and I love you." I told them about the mold and that C also may have untreated tooth decay that's been going on for over six months. And I told them about the behavioral problems. God help me....I hope I did the right thing....
__________________
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.-Marianne Williamson
Hi all. Sorry, this is going to be kinda long. I feel like I don't have many I can talk to about this who would understand. My sister is the alcoholic in this case. She lives just caddy-corner from me, a block away. Her son is 6, my son is 7, so go to school together, I see them every day, etc. Sometimes lately I can focus on myself, and distance myself from worrying about her and her son ("C"), but today I'm really worried and really having trouble focusing. Okay...C is starting to have behavioral problems...nothing major...just acting up in school, and getting really agressive with my sister, like biting and headbutting her in the stomach. Also, he seems sick a lot. It's also worth mentioning that their house is really starting to be in state of disrepair. The roof really leaks. The ceiling is slowly deteriorating all over the house. It's worst in C's bedroom. Most of the celling in his room has fallen apart. I have gotten hand-me-downs from her to give my other son that have positively REEKED of mold. I haven't been in there in a while, I don't like spending any time over there. But last time I looked...a year? Year and a half ago? I'd say two-thirds of his ceiling has fallen apart. There's more that's falling apart in the house, but the roof/ceilings are the worst. To me, it seems as if the house is just like, some physical evidence of her whole life just falling apart. Husband is "out" a lot, and when he is home, he's sleeping. She knows she has a problem, cos she had an assessment at a rehab place in our metro area around Dec. 2011. But she didn't like what they told her and she just sorta decided not to do anything about it because to her it "wasn't feasible" or some such thing, I dunno. And she and I have not spoken about her drinking at all since then. I know it's going to be EXTREMELY hard for her to stop, and I don't even know if her husband would stop. When she did ask him--4 1/2 years ago I think--to stop drinking so that SHE could stop, he was like, "No. You're the one with the problem, not me." Cos it's going to be almost impossible for her to stop while she's living with him, and he's drinking. By the way, he's had a cavity for a year and a half, the nearby univ. did a school screening in Nov. 2011 I think, and as far as I know, she took him to a dentist finally after several months of procrastinating. They said he needs an oral surgeon. She questioned that advice, and was going to get a second opinion, but as far as know, she has not done that. Other than the ceiling in the bedroom C sleeps in, and the tooth decay problem, he's kinda taken care of. But that being said, her life is an absolute WRECK and it's affecting her little boy's well-being. It just drives me crazy that she refuses to do anything. I feel like I want to do something. All the time, I think of calling child protective services, thinking maybe if an investigator shows up and tells her, Hey, this is not a healthful living space, that MAYBE she'll do something about it. I do know there are two separate issues here: the house, and her drinking. But in my mind, they're kind of linked, because I suspect if she started getting help and getting her life in order, maybe she'd do something about her house.