The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My daughter is 33 and severely alcoholic. She lives with her husband on the east coast and the first intervention by her family (me, her father, brother and sister in law) was January of 2011. She has been to detox countless times and has spent at total of 75 days in treatment at Hazelden in Oregon. Her longest period of sobriety has been 90 days. She has recently relapsed and spent more than 2 1/2 weeks laying in bed and drinking herself into oblivion. She fell on the concrete while attempting to walk the dog and badly broke her nose and lacerated her forehead. Her husband (who is in residency) left to go on vacation and a wedding. She was completely alone for a period of 9 days. She is currently hospitalized and is detoxing. Her family is in Colorado. She was in such crisis that her brother went to NY in July and physically brought her to Denver for detox. She sobered up for 30 days and then her husband agreed to let her return. She has not been able to keep a job and currently has a child endangerment misdemeanor charge against for being drunk while working as a nanny. It seems she has been in a free fall for the last two years. She has lived in NY for approximately 18 months and it has been one relapse after another. Her husband is rarely home due to the demands of residency and she is alone most of the time. She is beautiful, has a master's degree and has always been very outgoing. Her alcoholism is stealing her life and that of those around her. I know that it has to be her decision and hers alone to get sober, but when she is actively drinking she claims she wants to drink until she dies. My father was alcoholic, as well as my 3 siblings. Her father's father was also alcoholic. It seems the deck is seriously stacked against her. Up until 2 years ago she had an impressive resume. Accomplished in many areas. The person she has become with her alcohol dependency is barely recognizable. Her husband loves her, but has run out of answers. We all realize that they have to make a decision and formulate a plan as a couple. He tells me that when she returned to NY in the fall they had a very serious discussion about what to do if she relapsed again. She has relapsed twice since November. We want to be supportive as her family, but fully realize this has to be a plan that they decide upon. We can only be support players on her stage. I have stage 4 metastatic breast cancer and while I am ok right now...I have a terminal diagnosis and know the stress of this is life threatening for me. I am of no use to her or anybody else if I am not here. I guess I am not looking for any answers because the answer lies with her. I just appreciate being able to share with those that truly understand the helplessness of this wicked and extremely selfish disease. Thanks for listening...
Wow, I read your post and feel like I have nothing to complain about. I am so, so sorry you're having to live all this. I don't know what else to say, other than I will keep you in my prayers. (((((jdlewis)))) (hug).
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"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.-Marianne Williamson
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. I am so glad that you found us and had the courage to share. Speaking of "Courage", your entire post spoke of a great deal of courage and wisdom on your part. I am so sorry that this dreadful disease of alcoholism has become active in your daughter. Since she has been in treatment and her hubby is in residency she is aware that this alcoholism is a progressive disease over which we, the family are powerless.
Living with the behavior and attitudes of the alcoholic and trying to "Help" affects the entire family and we all then need a program of recovery of our own . Alanon is that program
Please check the hot line number in the white pages and obtain a listing of face to face meetings in your community and please plan to attend. Here you will connect with others who understand as few others can and you will develop new constructive tools to live by.
You are wise to know that your health and well being must come first. Alanon will support you as you learn how to take care of yourself while still loving your daughter.
Keep coming back here as well . There is help and hope
Many hugs and support to you. I too am fairly new here. My daughter is 22 and I fear this will be her at 33 also. I only know that support here and at Al-Anon have helped immensely. To Let go, Let God is my chant on a daily and sometimes hourly basis. I share it with all of my friends who just even struggle with functioning adult children. They are adults with the ability to make their own choices. Adding alcohol to that, they seldom care what they are doing to others. Their focus is themselves.
I hope you find you are able and her husband is able to Let go, and Let God. I firmly believe you are correct she has to do it all on her own. There is nothing you can do, but take care of you. I hope you are able to do that and concentrate solely on your well being.
My daughter spent 3 1/2 days in the hospital. Due to the closures from Sandy, she was not in a detox unit, but rather kept in the emergency and monitored. She was released last night. When she called me to tell me she had been released, the first words out of her mouth were, "well, that wasn't the place for me. It wasn't detox, people had all sorts of tubes in them and were dying." My response was, "given your circumstance, you were on your way out" She replied, "I don't need a lecture right now, Mom." I cut the conversation short and told her I was sitting down to dinner and would call her later or in the morning. I hung up feeling absolute disgust. I guess I was expecting the first thing she would say is "I am so sorry" or any words of remorse. Then to "instruct" me as to what I should or should not say, is simply astounding. In my opinion, her arrogance in this process is at the root of the problem. I do not know what decisions will be made. Apparently, her husband has a "next step" to discuss with her, which I believe will be a separation or divorce and his insisting she leave NY. I realize the stress she creates as I feel my guts go into a knot when I hear her ring tone on my phone. It's a common ring tone and when I hear it in a crowd, I feel the same reaction. Obviously, I need to change the ring!
Many thanks to all who have offered prayers and support. I have a solid relationship with God and have truly turned her over to Him. This has tested my faith like nothing else I have ever experienced and I have had alcoholics in my life for as long as I can remember. We have spent over $17,000 in treatment and cannot afford to foot the bill. I know there are free or low cost programs available. Her pride is of great concern. Whether she goes to a country club rehab or works the program at The Salvation Army, the information and road to sobriety is exactly the same. She is a very stubborn, proud and sad to say, selfish young woman.
My son is 35 and I have spent over 70 grand to help him....mistake. He is now on his own and will either come to terms with his disease or he will be homeless or worse dead. That is his decision. He has all the resources in his hand....it's up to him if he wants to use them. Yes my son thinks he's better than most...he's a different breed....go figure.
I'm sorry Jan I know what your going through... but I also know there is help and hope. This I have learn with my support group and prayer.
((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
It's been about 2 weeks since my last post. In that time, my daughter has spent 3 nights in the hospital and is currently not drinking. She and her husband have agreed that she cannot stay in NY and that it is best for both of them to divorce. I am actually happy about the decision, but know that it is going to be difficult. He intends to drive her to Colorado over the weekend and he will return to NY. She will be living with her brother, wife and 3 young children. I am anxious about it, but the fact that she will arrive sober, is a huge step. Her brother, who is also a recovering alcoholic, says they will have a zero tolerance policy for any drinking. She seems hopeful and optimistic that she has her greatest chance of staying sober with family support. She could simply disappear in NY and there was no accountability. She will have a much broader support and accountability network. My greatest frustration is that she was dead drunk the entire month of January and it was a living hell for me and others. Now that she is 5 days sober, it's like it never happened. No apology, refuses to discuss it. In fact, becomes defensive and is dismissive. It's really unbelievable! I have seen this arrogance with her before and I find it extremely offensive. There seems to be no remorse or even an admission that her behavior has had a devastating effect on those of us who love her. The good news is that I realize I have been able to step back and in that, I accept that I have had to disconnect from her. It's a bittersweet thing to experience as a mother. Loving the offender, but hating the offense. She says she intends to go to meetings and work on her sobriety. I know and embrace that I am powerless to manage her drinking. She says that her recovery is her business and she is not willing to discuss it. She says that accepting responsibility and making amends is Step 9 and she is still at step 2. Am I being unrealistic in my expectation that she at least acknowledge that she has been out of touch, unavailable and that the her relapse was real and did damage???
I appreciate the feedback. Sometimes it is difficult to visit these boards because it can be depressing.
