The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was with a recovering alcoholic for 1 year. He is 37 and I am 21 we moved into an apartment together and within two days he was drinking. not a functioning alcoholic, lost his job, was mean to me ( calling me names) this lasted for two weeks him drinking everyday. I stayed with him that time. He sobered up got his job back and things were ok again for three weeks. Then he started drinking again, he again was mean to me, lost his job again, lied about hidden alcohol everyday, had a female coworker of mine over at the apartment one night after i left, he would do/say anything to try to hurt me when hes drinking...I left and am back at my parents. When hes drunk he'll call and make threats to hurt himself. I try not to respond but it is hard, i have this overwhelming feeling of guilt that i should be the one there trying to help him. He says if i really loved him i would stay, but if he hadnt started drinking i would have never left. he says now that he wants to go to an aa meeting and i told him to call men in his program and that they can help him. I now have an oppourtunity to move to new york and stay with a friend. Why do I feel so guilty about leaving? I honestly don't know if what I am doing is right or wrong...
Good for you! You gave him correct information; other men who have gone through the same thing can help him if he really wants to be helped to recover.
It seems to me that at 21 your main task in life is to find out who you are, and I believe you know down deep that your job is not to be his caretaker.
Just because we have a feeling doesn't mean that what the feeling is telling us is true. You may have been conditioned to take care of others, and the alcoholic is certainly a master at manipulation and pushing guilt buttons. People on here say we don't have to attend every fight to which we are invited. We also don't have to believe every feeling we have.
Thanks for posting! Please stay in touch. And I hear they have a lot of really good AlAnon meetings in New York.
Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I was 23 when I met my alcoholic and a lot of what you say is how it was for me at the start. I spent 20 years with him and constantly hoped that he would change and things would get better. We had 2 lovely children together and I wouldn't change that for the world but a large part of me wishes I'd got off at the beginning and not allowed the guilt to keep me there (he threatened and attempted suicide, several times and was always repentent for what he'd done). I tried for 18 years to 'save him' but by going to Al Anon I realised that the only person I could and should 'save' is me. Alcoholism is a cruel illness and it stripped me of MY sanity for so many years. Once I actually learnt about alcoholism (by reading the Big Book, going to open AA meetings and listening to sharers at my Al Anon group) and I realised how 'the disease' made my husband do and say the terrible things he did, I did find compassion for him, but by going to Al Anon I found also compassion and love for myself and realised that I couldn't live with him anymore, even though he's now in recovery. Be young, grab every opportunity and love yourself enough to know that you deserve the best. Alcoholism - I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.
