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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Reality Check Needed
Post Info TOPIC: Reality Check Needed
tiredtonite


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Reality Check Needed
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I remember feeling such freedom when my exah went to rehab.  Back then before Alanon, I thought thank god somebody else gets to deal with him for awhile instead of me.  I couldn't go to the rehab the first month or any other family member - that was their rules.  Afterwards, I went and kinda wondered what I was doing there and why I was there. Luckily, that visit opened the door to this program for me which I had not even heard of.  Fortunately, you have already found Alanon.  I was so resentful of his actions and thought I might enjoy months off to languish, eat meals and tell my sad story.  I wished there was a rehab for family members!

I don't think anybody has ever gotten sober or stayed sober from anyone visiting them but their higher power.  You'll decide if or when you would want to visit.  I found that life on life's terms mean't life's responsibilities and the expenses of living didn't stop because he went to rehab.  If anything they increased while he was gone.  I did visit him but a letter or phone call worked at times too and saved some much needed money.  Hugs!  TT



-- Edited by tiredtonite on Tuesday 29th of January 2013 08:12:40 AM

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newwoman


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Today i feel better while my love is away in rehab and have had such loving support from this board. (thank you)

Because I feel better I find myself glossing over the reality of what happened leading him into rehab and the emotional mess I found myself left to address alone.

Now, he and his counselor have asked me to come to visit which is continuing to each my lunch because:

a. why do i again have to put forth my effort, expense, and energy to cater to what he needs when it is allowed on essentially his terms. (granted dictated by the facility)

b. i am still so angry on that sneaky level that wakes me up in middle of the night and bites me on the a@! and says "hey- you had a good day.... but don't forget this incident sucker!"

c. as much as i am thrilled he is in rehab- and want to be supportive... i am just so flipping sick of the tip toe around the addict routine that i could scream... "hey mr. counselor why don't you throw mr. drunk in your car and haul him to my house for his hour visit... I'll show you safe environment and won't even load the shotgun!"(shotgun part is a joke)"

Seriously though, what do i (we) those that have tried to love, care, etc... get out of this deal?  Where is the rainbow and pot of gold. Frankly, the whole situation sucks. I would like to get catered too once in a while. 



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pinkchip


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A lot of times they invite you there for "a family session." It would be good to call and find out if they just want you to visit or if they want to have such a "session." If it is a therapy session, it might be a good time to tell him and the therapist that you do have such mixed emotions and resentment (which by the way, is normal).

Living with and loving an addict is like having a bit part on the "The addict show starting YOUR PARTNER." Finally you get a little taste of what it's like to be in the starring role in your own life and then feel like you're getting sucked back in the to self-centered, all about me "Mr. Addict show."

If he does get sober, it will be a task for him to get humble and make ammends to you that is for sure.

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maryjane


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Well, don't feel like the Lone Ranger. What you are feeling is a common thread on this web site and at all the AlAnon meetings that I go to. Remember, you don't HAVE to do anything with his sobriety. He is the one that it is all falling on. Whatever you do, you do for yourself because you KNOW you will not get any kudos from him. So with that in mind, do what you can live with. It is not a matter of support him or don't support him. He is only one month sober so your real support will come later when he re-enters the land of the family.

My hubby never went to any rehab. He got sober at home and with daily meetings at AA. I know the tiptoeing around with him in the house. I remember the resentment that he STILL wanted all the attention on him. I got to AlAnon to put my attention back onto ME and the kids without the guilt. Ugh, the guilt. I love the comment about the rainbow and the pot of gold. I'm still waiting.

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maryjane
canadianguy


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http://alanon.activeboard.com/t40597093/family-conference/

 

I copied an old post of mine, where I was to meet with my A & her counselor, while she was in Rehab.  I was asked to explain how her drinking had affected me & the kids.... Could you do up a list like this, to read to them both?? 

Personally, I like lists - as if we are just trying to do it out of memory, our emotions take over, and/or we react to their reactions.  Perhaps you could write down exactly what you want to tell him, and then read it out loud.

 

Hope that helps

Tom



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newwoman


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Thank you EVERYONE yet again for saving my a@!.... In response to PinkChip and the "session question"... that is next month and costs 600.00. (a shotgun shell is a lot cheaper! I AM KIDDING) But really, how about you yucko's pay me 600.00 for the trip and my time. How about that? I like that idea much better. Also, to add insult to injury I just received yet another document from his alcohol free living zone with the "list of how as a visitor you are allowed to behave, dress, etc." It is all I can do to not write them back and say A. Do you honest to god think I would even consider "sneaking" booze to him? or B. wear a low cut shirt and short shorts? ( trust me... I would like to throttle him right now not %$#@ him! HELLO! Please spare me.) I am so irritated I could get really awful and ask if we will be speaking in english or spanish, how about some french or german for good measure. That might add some spice to the hour. Actually, It would be worth the trip to walk straight up to him..say nothing. punch him in the nuts and turn around- get back in my car and go home. Now that might be an episode for "Meet Mr. Alcoholic"!
Love you guys and THANK YOU AGAIN!!!!!!! Leigh

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newwoman


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Oh and to Canadian Guy- I can only present the list you suggested IF I SPEND THE 600.00. WOW

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newwoman


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I promise this is my last piece of commentary...but I am SO WOUND UP RIGHT NOW...
Another thing "the facility asked was that WE do not bring flowers or sweets..." REALLY! HOW ABOUT THIS- WHY DON'T YOU GUYS HAVE THE A get us flowers... What is this cheerleading tryouts? Why in the H*!! would I want to bring him flowers. Because he has behaved for 30 days SO FLIPPING WHAT....HE IS 57 YEARS OLD- this isn't a NEW THING. He didn't just pass the bar exam. God Almighty! WHAT ABOUT "US" I ask again! What do we get out of the deal? He essentially has a staff catering to his every need so he can learn to free his mind and hope his A** follows. Seriously, as I sit and type this out- I THINK I AM MORE SCREWED UP THAN HE EVER HAS BEEN....truthfully, he is a genius. He got to do whatever he wanted- now he has an "excuse" for it and is being taken care of- WOW!
Maybe it is time for ole Leigh to head Nevis for awhile and let the Four Seasons cater to my every whim. (I'll do that AFTER I punch him in the nuts and pay in pennies!)

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