The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I stood up for myself yesterday and am so at peace because of the growth I have found while working the Alanon steps.
My AH called and said that he wanted to continue to have a relationship but put many conditions on it. First, we will get divorced. Secondly, we will never live together again. Third, he wants a long time apart so that he can work on him and making himself better. He would not acknowledge the drinking or what he would work on.
I expressed that divorce for me is not an option if I were to have a relationship with the man I was married to already. If he wanted a relationship with me, he had to stop the divorce and that living together is not an option for me a this point anyways as he has much self change to work on. I also said that he had to go through a process of recovery and that sobriety was a requirement for me.
He was cruel, not acknowleding his role in things and blaming the children and I for all lifes problems. He reiterated that he never wanted to marry me and that he feels I forced him to do so. He just would not listen to anything I had to say or acknowledge my feelings. After he ranted on about how he is just not like other people and how he felt so trapped, I finally interrupted him and said I had one last thing to share. I told him that if we had just met and gone out on a date or just started dating, the types of things he is sharing about what he wants for his future and how he expects everyone around him to live their lives, I would choose to not go out on another date with him. I told him that I wanted better in my life than what he was willing to offer and that I would also not choose to be friends with someone that treats others in the way that he does. It was so healing to me to admit to myself that I would not even be friends with someone like him if we just met. Once I said that out loud and admitted it to myself, it felt like a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
My heart is free of the crushing pain and I am loving it! I feel safe in my home for the first time in a very long time and that means so much to me. He was never physically abusive, but the emotional abuse was astronomical. I am so excited to be living my life. Today, I am going to clean up the house from a dinner party I had last night and than go for a walk. I am finally feeling motivated to get myself into shape again. Since we seperated in November, I have lost 30 lbs with out even trying. Life is moving forward and I am so excited to rejoin it.
I was at a meeting last night and we mentioned "awareness" and how wonderful it is. How great to be aware and accepting and have that crushing pain off your chest. To be able to say aloud what you are feeling and to take care of yourself. That is pure AlAnon.
I finally learned that becoming aware of my boundaries and standing up for myself is ok and is the best thing for me to do. I have sat and listened to his BS too many times. Its excuses, blame shifting and refusal to be responsible. I thought about his behavior and how I just did not want someone like that in my life. Being honest with him that I would not work things out because it was not best for me was pretty amazing. It was like someone slapped me upside the head and said Duh, why would you date that behavior? My HP was once again guiding me. There is no way I would. If I just met him I would not date him or even be his friend, so why do it now. I deserve better and want better. Yippee for feeling good. There were a lot of bad days that led up to this moment but now, I am so very happy. Can't wait to meet a nice guy that treats me like I deserve. Well, I can wait, it will happen in HP's time. I can be patient but now, I know that I am healthier and it will be so much better.
Congratulations Cinders!! That is such an inspiring post! A little harder for me as I have an AD, but what you are saying about being friends...or rather not being friends...makes quite a bit of sense! I too doubt I'd want to be friends and that's very tough to say about your own child. I find strength in your post! Thank you!
