emotional abuse and recovery: HELP! - Al-Anon Family Group

tortuga · Senior Member

emotional abuse and recovery: HELP!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

That's tough tortuga. Didn't consider all that. The best I can think of is to try and find elements of what has worked about the 12 step fellowship to yourself in other ways. Possibly find support in a church if that sounds appealing at all. Dedicate yourself to causes, interests, hobbies.

The point is to connect with others and let them see you how you really are which is a beautiful person. Your ex has temporarily taken that from you and when you interact with him all that is reflected back is like a distorted view of yourself from a busted mirror....Plus, you are relying on that busted mirror as your lifeline.

Healthy folks have to be your support network so you can incorperate health back into yourself. Isolation and having to depend on the sick and abusive addict to negotiate this foreign environment is what is keeping you in prison. I don't know your environment specifically, but I have to say I am majorly impressed that you have built this much of a strong program as you have in an area like you describe.

This means you are bright and resourceful. More so than you know I'd bet. If you turn this all over to your higher power, and let those assets guide you - you have much reason to be hopeful.

***As an aside, your situation sounds similar to a woman that used to post here a lot. Pineapple....She was very trapped but things worked out for her...

-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 28th of January 2013 09:07:59 AM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((tortuga)))

The place that you describe is where I was when I first walked into an alanon meeting. I was at my bottom and had completed the first step. I knew I was powerless and my life had become unmanageable.--- without a doubt.

The second step--- Came to believe a power greater than myself could restore us to sanity-- was also easy for me--- I knew nothing else's worked (as I had tried it all )and I decided to trust that the wisdom and tools I was finding in alanon could restore me to sanity -- I see you doing that. Posting, owning your pain is believing that these tools will help

The 3rd Step made a decision to turn my will over--- flowed easily. My way did not work. The pain, the negative voices the sadness were what I needed to release. I was willing to give then to HP I hear that you are too. You are now at Step 4 - 9.

You are already writing out your 4 th Step. Find your sponsor do your 5 th through 9 th step and the anger, resentment , sadness and fear will be lifted I know that is how it worked for me.

The program works. Please find meetings live one day at a time, say the serenity prayer constantly and know you are not alone.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Hit as many face to face meetings of alanon as you can, get a sponsor, and do exactly what she says. That is my best suggestion. When I felt as low as you are describing, that is all I knew to do and it worked.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

My Dear Tortuga,

I am so sorry you feel this way and if your experience is anything like mine then in your loving heart you absolutely know that you are a good and loving person.

These are some of the things that I've said to myself over the past year, I hope that they help you....

You sound as if you recognise that the abuser's horrid behaviour was a defence (not in any way excusable btw), so please can you also recognise that anything you did or didn't do might also have been defensive? It was the best you could do at the time.

Can you feel proud of yourself that you are now recognising that there are other ways open to you and that you are able to choose to be the person that you would like to be?

Are you able to recognise that you are allowed to be kind to yourself?

Remember that strong, beautiful love that you are so capable of giving? Well it is ok to give yourself some of that wonderful love as well

I was in shock when I realised what I had put up with - I had never, ever imagined that I would be that person. So I've been angry with myself, I've been sorry for myself and I've had a fury like a tornado about the abuser! None of these things have done me much good, but they are only natural!

Having survived all of that, I think I must be an ok person and now I try to put some of my misspent energy to more constructive use. I even recognise that I need some rest from time to time as well!

So my own practical coping mechanisms are:

1. To recognise that some of my thoughts hurt me and, when they come into my head, I replace them with some positive memories (that I have already written down. They make me feel so much better about myself and life in general).
2. To write myself a letter as if I were writing to a friend in my situation. What gentle advice would I give her? (I only did this once but it was a good letter to re-read from time to time).
3. To do something kind, just for myself - even if it is to wrap myself in a blanket, sip a mug of soup and listen to some good music for an hour or two. The key is to invite myself to enjoy it!
4. To do something kind for someone else.
5. To ask myself what the three best things of the day were just before I go to sleep at night (it does not matter if it has been an awful day, it is always the BEST bits that I choose to remember).
6. To think of a small task that I would like to complete the following morning. To write it down, and then get myself up in the morning and do it.
7. To recognise that I am claiming my own peace and shape my own life for now.
9. To go out and see people, even if it is a slog, it always turns out better than I imagined.
10. To replace 'should', 'must', 'need to' etc with the following.... 'I would like to.....'

It is so great and fantastic that you want your natural energy back, that you want your beautiful smile back and that you recognise yourself in these two beautiful things. Don't be scared - it might be tough at times, but one thing I know now - my self esteem and my authenticity are important to me and I will protect them as if I were a tigress - I am my own knight is shinning armour!

Take care of yourself, big (((((((hugs)))))))

tortuga · Senior Member

i live in a country where AL ANON IS SIMPLY NOT EXISTING, no sponsor that knows about this program; i am in development work in a country in development, in a world far from MODERN TECHNOLOGIES (other than an internet line) or far from EXPRESSING YOUR OWN FEELINGS.
any other suggestions what i can do for myself, with myself, by myself... ? that's maybe why my situation is very vulnerable and exposed, if I had my support system that I have in my home country, this would strike me a whole less I guess....But i have to work with what I have...yes and working step 4-9..as good as I can!
but thanks, and it helps to know from you hotrod that I might be in the 'normal' process of recovery...
will not stop to 'reach out' and share progress, and setbacks.

tortuga · Senior Member

milkwood, thank you so much for sharing your practical steps, some I did and do myself, it's good to know they really work.
'..i will protect them as if I were a tigress'....that should save me in the future from abusive behavior towards myself and others.
yes, i have been defensive at times, who wouldn't be, if called a f----ingb--ch and other horrible things. But still I did quite a good job in that situations and stayed 'relatively calm', which doesn't help me though with the hurt and open wounds those words left in my core. Anger is setting in , after so many tears of sorrow..
'So I've been angry with myself, I've been sorry for myself and I've had a fury like a tornado about the abuser! None of these things have done me much good, but they are only natural! '...also good to know, i thought I was going crazy lately.
thank you all for supporting me in this, this is my Al Anon group, i don't have any other.but i love coming here and listening to you all.I am less lonely since I came here.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Totuga... Hugs!! And yes the anger is normal. One thing I noticed in myself was that I didn't even know what I looked like anymore. I pictured myself as I looked in some of those cool pictures from 20-30 years ago. Look at yourself in the mirror and FORCE yourself to smile at yourself. I know it sounds stupid but it is a hard thing to do. Then laugh at yourself because you feel so stupid. The very act of laughing and smiling does wonderful things to yourself. The chemicals that are released when you laugh and feel silly do great things in your head. Okay, it only lasts for a minute or two, but it is a nice experiment.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Again T

The on line meetings held here twice a day are fantastic Why not give them a try.

The website link to the group meeting room is

http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html. There are other ways to join the room also. Using mIRC or other chat client, the server we are on is irc.chat4all.org, port 6667. which users will need to add to their IRC server list, and our room name (#alanonchat) to their IRC channels. .

Be gentle with yourself, do not get too hungry , angry, lonely or tired. Live one day at a time, make a gratitude and asset lists each day and believe it. Stay focused on yourself and pray.

I am glad you are here and shairng and connecting

tortuga · Senior Member

Thanks pinchkip, sorry for feeling a bit stressed out...am overwhelmed today. and bess, i would love to meet some of those people on this board in a 'real meeting', to establish 'realtime' friendships, and then situations of each other would be more familiar and less confusing, i get that

never mind, and I appreciate your posts a lot.
maryjane, yes sounds like a good experiment. dancing would be fun too

(((ALL))))

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Tortuga,

Like you I am a long way from home and I do not have access to face to face meetings. I agree, the wonderful people on this site are very precious and hugely helpful.
I have noticed that when I am missing my friends at home I am more inclined to start feeling sorry for myself and then I get angry about AH and his behaviour. Now when this happens I get in touch with an old friend or family member, either via email or on skype, and that seems to help me to deal with the feelings of isolation.

I am happy to be in your group Tigress Tortuga! go well x

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