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I am so angry with my husband. I came to terms with the fact that he's a functioning alcoholic a few months ago. I've always struggled to really pin down whether or not he was an alcoholic before I found that definition online. Then it all became so clear! But this week was a whole new low.
He has this pattern. He'll spend the day moping around the house picking fights until finally, after the kids are in bed, he'll pick one big enough to justify him walking out the door down to the bar and won't come back until early the next morning (read: 2 or so). He did this on Thursday night, except when he left I was sleeping and he told me he was running up to the 7-11. Two hours later I woke up to a crying baby and no husband :( he said since I was sleeping he decided to just go to the bar instead. He refused to admit he lied. He never apologized.
Tonight he pulled the same thing. Except this time when he told me he was going to the 7-11 I told him to just get a room so I didn't wait around anxiously waiting for him to come back. When I woke up 2 hours later he said I told him to go to the bar and then he said he was walking home (which clearly he wasn't since I could still hear the people) and then picked yet ANOTHER fight with me and said forget it, he's staying out.
Seriously.
We have 2 very young children (3 and 10 mos). He has a high-profile job which just further boxes in my options. IDK what to do. My instinct to just pack up the car and go is hampered by what it would do to my older daughter to be taken away from her Daddy...who she loves dearly! I'm so angry that he's forcing me to make this choice; but I know something needs to be done.
Welcome You have received solid suggestions from our MIP family. I would like to add that before taking any action, it would be wise to develop a support group that would help to break the isolation caused by this disease and who understands as few other can .
Alanon fellowship and the face to face meetings that are held in most communities can be that life line. Check out the hot line number in the white pages and plan to attend asap. The tools, the fellowship and the wisdom gained at these meetings assisted me in making healthy choices for my life. Most importantly I learned how to Act and not React
You are worth the effort
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 28th of January 2013 11:25:43 PM
Follow your instincts. Trust you gut. Pray and when you feel "This is not right!" it's usually cuz it's not. However, you should know that you might not change him through whatever actions you take, though they will protect you.
Yeah, your 3 year old loves daddy, but flash forward to when she is old enough to see you hurting and crying over how "daddy" treats you. She will also model that and expect that this is how men treat women and it will be her guide for future relationships.
It's not that I'm calling your husband evil or even that you should leave, but doing nothing will keep things the same or worse because alcoholism progresses. On top of that, doing nothing means not being true to yourself and that is poison for your soul as much as alcohol is poison for the alcoholic.
Oh how can I relate. Every thing my AH did was calculated to only when he could finally drink. It was opposite in this house. Do as much as he could with the family until he felt enough was enough time to get my drink on. As soon as he started the man we knew as husband and Dad was gone in an hour and we were left we a drunk fool. It angered me so bad, got under my skin, made me feel like as long as they are happy for half the day it was ok. It wasn't ok. As young as 3 they know...I have 3 kids and they know when to stay away. Sad isn't it that kids feel like they are better off in there rooms then out in the crossfire of a drunk Dad. I don't have your answers...but I do know how you feel. Currently my AH are in counseling and we both are doing our own program. he goes to AA and I go to alanon and here. It has helped me TREMENDOUSLY!!! What ever you chose to do I send love and prayers to you and your family. If he won't heal himself, at least heal you. You are all you got, and those precious kids. Lots of love and prayere to you!!!!
What ever you chose to do I send love and prayers to you and your family. If he won't heal himself, at least heal you. You are all you got, and those precious kids. ------------------------------------------------------- I ditto this.... If he won't heal himself, at least heal you!!!! So, whatever you choose to do, stay or leave, take care of yourself...and the kids. Alcoholism is progressive. It will never get better than it is right now, and right now is not good for you. So if he won't change, nothing will change. You have to make the changes. You can either do that with leaving or with staying...or a combination of both. Leave for a vacation (well, not really a vacation, but a relief for you) and then come back. Visit family. Go to the beach for a few days. Take a couple days off work and work on yourself with AlAnon meetings and playing with kids. Take care of yourself.
From a "business" standpoint. Pay close attention to what I have to say before your emotions hurl you into your car willy nilly with the kids in tow. Trust me on this one. I did exactly what you are talking about and have screwed myself 10 ways to sunday. I wish I had slowed down long enough to gain some composure and thought my emotions through to the end result.
I will tell you from my experience.
Read the laws in your state regarding family, domestic violence, visitation, child support etc.
Take into account your experiences and the "legal loopholes" DO NOT depend on an attorney to help you. Trust me- my attorney was the "top" in my city and charged $350.00 an hour- to the tune of about 71 grand in legal fees where I still got screwed. Emotionally I was 100% in the right. However, legally I didn't have a "legitimate paper trail to justify within the courts what was in the best interest of the child." Had I known now what my end result would be... I would have done so many things different.
Starting with:
1. taking into account HE was to drunk to ever file for divorce. I should have in retrospect- started my prep then to get out before jumping the gun and filing by: taking the child on a vacation to the other family home which happened to be out of state, extended the vacation long enough to establish my residency in that state THEN filed for divorce in that state on my terms.
2. taken meticulous care to make copies of all financial statements, tax returns, expenditures etc.
3. called the police on him during his "drunk screaming rages" when the child was in the home. that paper trail ALONE would have eliminated my court ordered requirement for his access to her now. Which is still a flipping nightmare- for her.
4. stashed cash. out of the grocery money...whatever. where ever I could find it. once I filed it took close to 3 months to regain access to funds muchless get a nickel out of him.
5. buy a new car and grab a credit card in my name only.
6. get a p.o. box
7. kept my mouth shut with him- made notes and done more research on his shennannigans before I left the house.
8. rented a storage unit and SLOWLY started stashing stuff we would need .... like clothing.
I really agree with what NW has shared .. whatever you do .. do it on your terms. For me in letting go each step has been when I'm ready. I have learned to keep my mouth shut, ears open, eyes peeled and just allowed God to show me at what point I need to act. It has still meant a costly atty bill however each time he's lied it's completely backfired on him. Now he's even lost the trust of his own atty.
It's really a sad sad day when my marriage has broken down to a business negotiation. Unfortunately it is what it is. I trust my gut completely.
Stepping back and taking a breath is at least one way to regroup so you can figure out what you want, not what you are reacting to.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
