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So lately I found myself really not paying much attention to my AH. I cannot figure out if its my way of detaching or if I just cannot stand him anymore. I really try not to be rude because I don't want to be that way, but sometimes I just cannot help but be disgusted by him.
It's probably a little of both. Today is the 5 month mark that my AH has been moved out since I asked him to choose drinking or his family. I honestly wasn't prepared for him to choose the drinking but he did. He has been sitting at the bar all afternoon and I find myself a little disgusted but also detached and relieved that I will be able to sleep tonight. When I feel the disgust I replace it with compassion because I truly don't believe that he would make these choices if he had any control over his drinking. We have been married 19 years and the drinking didn't start until about 4 years ago. Our 16 yr old son and 18 yr old daughter don't have a lot to do with him and I am sure that is probably very painful for him, as he was a wonderful and loving father and husband before the drinking started. Al-Anon has been a lifesaver since I crawled through those doors 5 months ago. I know that I have to let him reach the decision by himself that drinking is harming him and his way of life. It's painful and gut wrenching to watch but I can't go down with him and he has to reach the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Detachment is a wonderful tool that Al-Anon has taught me. For that I am grateful.
Aloha Imom...keep working at it. I don't know of too many members who got it first time around. For me detachment came on three levels...Anger, disinterest and then love. Might you be in the area between anger and disinterest? Don't know...inventory it and then share it with the newbies. (((hugs)))
So I was wondering, I hear you are disgusted. I have been disgusted by people I really love too. Their dispicable, inappropriate, obnoxious behavior. When it came to my AH I often wondered how I fell in love with him. Than I would remember his loyalty, honesty, and his wanting to help when and if he wasn't drunk. What I was really disgusted at was him when he was drinking, that man was an ugly rageful sometimes intentionally cruel man. I wanted someone to tell me how to make a boundary, how to detach, I wanted examples so I could do it just like they do it. I never got that, but when I read in y C2C book there was a page how this woman let her husband sleep right where he fell out of bed. She stepped over him and let him stay there and slept comfortably in her bed while he was one the floor. When she told her sponser how happy she was that she let him stay on the floor and she didn't even help him up, the sponsor said, thats not really what we meant. So the next time he fell out of bed like that she put a blanket over his body and let him stay on the floor. To her that was detachment with love.(pg22) We can hate the behavior that pours out of their drunk bodies, but we really need to sit somewhere quiet and think...Am I disgusted, ignoring or being rude to the alcohol or do I really feel this way about the actual person. It's kinda of liberating for me to make a decision now..I think to myself, I thought this out, I worked out the kinks and decided xyz...I give you much strength and courage and pray for you too..we are all in a battle, but with alanon we can win! Hope you have a good day!!!!
This is an area I struggle with too. Am I really being "indifferent" or "detaching with love"? I put my 20 year old son out of the home 2 months ago. Since then, I have been able to get my thoughts together, join alanon, and learn a different way to handle things. I am not ready for him to come home. I love him a lot but I do not like the person that he has become because of his addiction. He called wanting medicine filled the other day that he has refused to take for a very long time (I was always the one nagging for him to take it). It made me feel great that he wanted the medicine, but the problem now is will he do HIS part to get it. I told him to call the pharmacy to refill the prescription. I also told him that they may not fill it because he has missed doctor appointments. If he wants the meds, I told him if he has them filled, I will pick them up and pay for them and bring them to him where he is staying. I am hoping that I am starting to get it: help where he cannot (no money and no car to get the meds), However, if he wants the meds he can make a simple phone call to get them or two to set up an appointment for them. I am trying to follow the thought that if is something he cannot do for himself, then I should help him. If if something that he CAN or SHOULD be able to do for himself, I should let him do it. We will see how this pans out. Good luck IMOM. Keep working the program, it helps.
All I can say is keep coming back. I'm in the throws of disgust myself with my STBAX. It's also partially in my case that I need to follow up on the HHALTS. After yesterday I decided it's probably better for me to have zero contact or limited contact until I feel better.
It's just better to be able to detach and then work it backwards to detaching in a healthier way. I know for me I have to get out of the anger I have going on and that's exactly where I'm stuck at the moment. I don't want to stay there.
Keep coming back I know I have to, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I agree with what has been posted too... sounds like a little bit of both...
I went to a counselor once, who drew a circle that almost came fully around.... he drew the two words "LOVE" and "HATE" right beside each other, and wrote "APATHY" as far away from those words as you could go, clear on the other side of the circle..... His point was to show that "love and hate" are relatively similar emotions, and come from deep caring.... Whereas apathy is when our "give a damn" ticker is simply no longer operational....
He reminded me, as a counselor, he has more success dealing with couples in the "HATE" mode, as there are still feelings...
If you are not even feeling anger towards your A these days (for the most part), I would see it as somewhat evolutionary, and all part of the process...
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My, my- Im a recovering alcoholic and an AlAnon due to my upbringing, and have an alcoholic daughter, and Ive had all those feelings. I feel drained a lot in dealing with her. Most of it is the constant demand for support (financial and otherwise) with no effort on her part. I get so tired and exhausted with it all. Shes in meetings with me a lot, and even that is a drain, going to pick her up and drop her off all the time. Its as if I dont even have my own program anymore. Lately, Ive just been telling her that I have to have my own meetings alone. Then comes the phone calls on meeting days "can I have a ride to... can I have a ride home from... and cna we stop at the store..." and on and on and on. Tonight is MY night, come what may.
Imom-hello. I almost always know what I am feeling except where it comes to my Aspouse. Detached, disgusted, angry, resentful, thinking about separating, scared to separate, taking care of, pushing, letting go, on and on and on. Numb-did I forget that one? I am numb alot. Sometimes I have a flicker of hope. Often I feel hopeless about the relationship. I do not feel hopeless about myself-that's the good part. I understand what you wrote. I stray away from alanon when I feel a little better but I really need to be consistent for ME! I can save myself! I plan to, Lyne
I felt guilty a lot too because I was moving away from the close relationship that I thought I wanted and needed. It turned out that it was much healthier to be detached. My AH found sobriety 12 years ago but I am still detached. I find that when I am not detached and when what he wants and needs starts to be more important in my mind, that is when I feel horrible and used. I can look back, then, and see that I allowed my own thinking patterns get me to the horrible feelings. I got back into the old patterns of behavior that made him more important than me. Of course, he loves it. But when I stay detached he is much better behaved. And I don't take things personally. And I have my own life to live without getting too involved in his. And yes, I was disgusted by him. I realized I had lost all respect for him. I had to really work to get that back.
Stay with the program of AlAnon. These are all feelings that you will work through.
I felt that way with my ex-A and I was just as big an alcoholic as him. I think that what you are describing is not only what folks get to feeling when they deal with an alcoholic long-term, but also just a "I am so done" feeling folks have when any relationship has turned toxic and is on the verge of a split.
It's no coincidence that the most common monikers on here are names like "soverytired, sotired, sickofthis, losthope...." That is what happens after being let down repeatedly. Waves of sadness then followed by indifference. In my experience, the break ups came when I reached indifference. That is when I left cuz it took too much effort to keep caring about someone that doesn't care about themselves, doesn't care if you care, and/or abuses your caring.
What a million dollar ques!! As many of you know this hasnt exactly been a good narriage week for me and my ah. And now, as I sit here I find anxiety creeping in....a week ago I was so full of hate anf pain, I wanted adivorce NOW...and not a minute later. Five days later...im sad, confused, trying to find peaace and wondering what stage im in. my ah has been truly lovley since the monday nite tirade. I know it wont last yet im more peaceful at home being hopeful and in the moment as opposed to raging angry and scared and facing leaving ...that said...im sill and may never be convinced that I will ever get detachment right every time....in fact, I know I wont. Im human... But a few posts ago someone responded about the need to try to srperate the alcoholic from the sober alcoholic. The idea that I am ok to not like the alcoholic yet love the spouseI married when he is sober. Thats wht it is s for me ... Not sure its wrong or right...detachment or disgust or maybe, all of the above. When sober, my ah is typicsly enjoyable, funny, a great dad and provider . Hes generous and loving. When the drinking ah is around its selfishness, trouble, misrable attitude and simply unpleasant. Guess for noe I neef to keep taking the good when u can, letting go of the bad when its here and trying to take care if me and my chi kf first, find comoassionste for my ah as best as I can and kniwing that all I can do is out ine step in fronylt of the othet. My marriage is FAR FAR from good but .... Walking away simply feels worse e so I try to detach more than be disgusted but I will admitt...it can be a fine line to
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
