The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is difficult to write about something that has affected me my entire life yet have never really spoken to anyone about. I started to write this several times, but it keeps spinning out of control. So, I will try one more time to write just enough to get my story across. It will likely be hard to follow. I don't even know what I'm trying to say.
My father was an alcoholic. It has only been recently that Ive started to see the impact it had on me. My wife only drank on rare occasion when I met her, but she has since become an alcoholic. I started to notice signs a couple of years ago, but it has been progressively getting worse. It reached the point, several times, in which she admitted to me she has a problem and is going to get help. But it was her admittance that really impacted me.
Once she admitted to it, our relationship really became strained. Any help I tried to give her just made her angry at me and me sick with disappointment and anxiety. I'd get upset (quietly, but she could tell) when I found her drinking. I would make comments, in my passive aggressive way, that let her know I wasnt happy. I wouldn't go with her to parties, etc. if she was drinking. She told me I was "punishing her." I didn't see it that way, but for whatever reason, during one of our arguments I realized that maybe I was doing something wrong. That's when I looked up Al-Anon and found this forum. What I started to realize (and please correct me if I'm wrong) was that I needed to stop worrying about her. I started to recognize how many aspects of my life--how many relationships--were making me physically ill because I was subconsciously trying to control everything and everyone so that life would be peaceful. I think this is a result of being raised by an AF, but it had become almost unbearable since I realized I had an AW.
I have been trying very hard to stop. Im trying to only control the things I can control (i.e. me). But it is so hard at times. I really worry about her, but I also do not like being around her when shes drinking. I get sick to my stomach out of anxiety. I feel bad because I cant tell if Im being selfish or controlling or what. I wont drink because she is an alcoholic, but if I get home on a weeknight and really want a glass of wine to wind down, I will resent her. I resent her because I cant have any because she cant control how much she has. Then I wonder if that in and of itself (me not drinking) is just another way to control her.
I want to do the right thing. I want her to stop drinking. All I want is peace.
I relate to so much of what you wrote: I also grew up with an alcoholic father and am just now (I am 44) realizing the impact this has had on me and my life. I have an AH as well, and have lived through (barely at times) those moments of sick anxiety...where is he? how much to drink before driving? what is happening? things out of MY control?! and am just starting to understand that if we can try to really embrace that we have no control over what others are doing within their own lives, we can have freedom, and peace and not the terror we both know.
I have also struggled with the guilt about having that glass of wine and I remember one of the times my AH was not drinking him looking at me with exasperation and saying...YOU can drink, you know! So again another lesson about their disease being theirs to work on, and our sickness in relation to that being ours to work on
I am fairly new to alanon but know that there is a ton of wisdom and support here, so come back and also get to some meetings if you haven't already
Let Go, Let God is what I chant almost daily Militantsparrow. You have offered help and as a wise person who posts and chats with me often is teaching me....they know you are there to help if they so choose to take it. Try to seperate yourself from what she is doing, you are not doing it. Remember the three C's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. All you can do is take care of you. That's more than enough for most of us. Just taking care of ourselves. Detach with love. If I were to see mine doing this, I'd leave and go find something to do that made me happy and think about what my own future should be. Sounds easy doesn't it? I know its not. Best wishes to you. Keep posting and read the posts. They've helped me SO much with my AD.
You're definitely not alone.... and probably not even (irreversibly) crazy, lol.... The reality is that living around active alcoholism DOES tend to result in some crazymaking.... The good news is, you have the ability and willingness to choose the recovery you need....for YOU. Face-to-face meetings are the ultimate, but you can also supplement your program with online meetings on this board, posting here, and reading some of the great books out there (i.e. "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews).
Glad you found us, and this is a very good place.... Lot of great people on this board with a wide depth/variety of experiences, including several other men as well (not that gender has all that much to do with anything)
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I think its pretty normal to feel all the things you do with an alcoholic wife.
I grew up in an alcoholic home and I learned to survive some very dysfunctional behaviors. I did what I knew at the time but I do know better ways of being around an alcoholic/addict now. I am certainly still disappointed a lot of the time around any alcoholic and sometimes angry but I manage to control those emotions these days.
None of us come here with a wonderfully balanced view of living with an alcoholic we all come here with a measure of despair, anger and resentment we are human after all not saints! Anyone who is around such self destructive behavior often comes away with feeling exhausted, tired and angry. That is pretty much the norm. We can learn new tools with al anon, detaching, focusing on ourselves, adjusting our expectations and most of all going somewhere to get support, kindness and understanding.
None of us are perfect. We all struggle with these issues. Be kind to yourself. There is a wonderful book you may find useful called Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drew I can tell you it helped me tremendously.
