The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Why do we put ourselves in the position to be harmed? I know today I invited people into my life who were the most troubled people in society...I did that to myself because I wanted to victimize myself and I didn't know any better.
I made myself a "victim", always blaming others for their own symptoms, even abusive symptoms.
But why?
Why all the subconscious self-victimization?
Any ideas?
Why do people hurt themselves like this? What could the motive be?
Thanks for your input if you have any.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Thursday 24th of January 2013 05:42:56 PM
This is such an excellent question. I have brought people into my life...was trusting...and just got burned over and over....now none of these people even check on me or how I'm doing.
Some people I thought I was "helping" -- and I was brought up to give to others. What I wasn't taught is that there are people who prey on people who are giving.
I am really at a crossroads...and very selective about who I let into my life now...and often spend time alone because of the fear I have of being hurt. My counselor uses the metaphor that I am on a stage...and life is on the stage...yet the curtains are closed, and i am just peaking out from behind the curtains, peering out, afraid to step fully into life. I think this is true because of some of the people who have hurt me...now I'm afraid...and my self-esteem is lousy.
So, all I have to offer is that I have questions too.
RP
-- Edited by rehprof on Thursday 24th of January 2013 06:16:46 PM
Thank you for your response. I also have identified that I believe it is fear. Mostly fear of moving forward and having the life God just might want me to have...it could be better than anything I could ever imagine.
This is what my new sponsor just said on the phone and I want to share it with you.
She said, Can you just trust that God has a plan for your life? Don't try to figure out anything.
And my words to add to that are: Live from the heart. So what if people f-ck me over? It's all my pride and ego. As I grow and learn about these patterns my wisdom to know the difference will increase and I will do better.
When we are trusting God and just doing the next right thing - not figuring out tomorrow, but praying each morning and asking what HIS will is for us THAT day, we will be automatically moved forward safely.
Also, I have known for some time that if I just show up for recovery and life I will be ok. It says in AA's Big Book (in step 12) that if we stay on the Firing Line of Life (as we work with others), God will keep us unharmed.
Huge promise.
God bless you as you continue to work through getting to know yourself too. I'll walk the path with you.
rehprof wrote:
This is such an excellent question. I have brought people into my life...was trusting...and just got burned over and over....now none of these people even check on me or how I'm doing.
Some people I thought I was "helping" -- and I was brought up to give to others. What I wasn't taught is that there are people who prey on people who are giving.
I am really at a crossroads...and very selective about who I let into my life now...and often spend time alone because of the fear I have of being hurt. My counselor uses the metaphor that I am on a stage...and life is on the stage...yet the curtains are closed, and i am just peaking out from behind the curtains, peering out, afraid to step fully into life. I think this is true because of some of the people who have hurt me...now I'm afraid...and my self-esteem is lousy.
So, all I have to offer is that I have questions too.
RP
-- Edited by rehprof on Thursday 24th of January 2013 06:16:46 PM
Often I didn't know what a normal relationship/friendship looked like. So I didn't see the red flags. I thought my feelings of hurt were just because I was oversensitive. That it meant there was something wrong with me instead of wrong with them. I didn't know people weren't supposed to insult others or be hypercritical. I thought that it was due to me being defective, and if I could just straighten up, the other person would stop hurting me.
Sometimes I knew things could be better, but I didn't think I personally could ever attain them. I knew some people were in supportive relationships/friendships, but it didn't seem as if it would ever happen to me. Something "must" be wrong with me because I hadn't had them, therefore (I thought) I never would have them. So I stuck with the hurtful person because it was better than being alone all the time for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I knew I should end the relationship/friendship, but I was so scared of the grief and loneliness that I just couldn't make the move. Being involved in their turmoil kept me from having to face my own turmoil.
A lot of the time I just thought that nobody decent would ever want me. That's still a feeling I struggle with a lot, even though I know it leads to poor choices and pain.
For me it became subconscious victimization because I stopped being responsible to and for myself and just wanted life to come at me without any real effort and investment of my own. I lived "just because" and had no real value system that I walked on a daily basis until I got into Al-Anon and accepted the 12 steps and traditions and slogans and more as the "how I wanted to live". I don't always/by default put myself in positions of danger much anymore. God gave me brains to use, and lots of opportunities to "do the right thing"...I can make decisions to change anything that isn't healthy for me today in a second. I am responsible.
There is a payoff. Jerry mentioned some of it. It's having a reason to be depressed and resentful at others so we don't have to move forward with life. Fear of actually accepting the life God has waiting for us. Some of us are very addicted to our depression, meaning we actually like it and seek it. Getting off that merry-go-round of course means working hard, too :) Dang! I don't WANNA grow up!
I like what Mattie said, the gentle way he put it. Some of us actually believe this is the best it can get for us. Not so. I saw that in the writing of my 4th steps and now I take these things deeper.
What if we were to actually accept that God wants us to be happy? Of course we need to make our amends and continue to do so - and do the 12 steps if we want freedom, but at some point like 3 years after my 4th step, it's time to Let Go and Let God...accept some peace and stop being negative.
When my parents pull their stuff on me that's when I get screwed up again...or if someone denies me of approval.
Those are the 2 areas I will continue to work on, accepting these people and myself.
I sometimes say to my adult daughter, he/she has a sadness, it's something that you can feel and see and that you are attracted to to solve and make right/take away their problems.
According to the hula hoops scenario, we invite the broken into our lives in order to fix them,,,,and make ourselves feel powerful, needed, wanted and loved. We are craving love so we find people who will be soooooooo grateful for our help, they will love us in return. Of course that doesn't happen, because even the most broken people don't appreciate being told how to live or what to do. We don't have to deal with their consequences. So they don't listen....decide to do what they've always done. Nothing changes..... And then WE are left feeling frustrated and resentful. After all, we've given them the answer they NEED so why won't they act on it. We can see clearly the answers .... if only they'd listen.
Of course throughout this whole exercise no one is fixing us. By actively fixing someone else (whether they want or need it or not) we are secretly hoping that someone is going to do the same for us.... Of course if anyone tried we would soon shout them down and let them know they don't understand our situation.....
But we know deep down that we find our own lives unmanageable and are waiting for someone to fix it for us.
Thats the insanity of this behaviour......
Of course I identify with the story... Thats why I went to Alanon in the first place. I spent years trying to fix my husband and my friends and family were trying to fix me.....by telling me to leave, and I was becoming resentful towards both my husband for not letting me fix him.....AND my family and friends because they didn't understand !!!!
In Alanon we learn to accept people as they are. We have no control over people places or things. The only person we can change is ourselves. and we are the only person capeable of doing it.
By letting go of other damaged people we can find the space to fix our own damaged self.... and allow other damaged people the dignity of doing the same for themselves.
When life becomes unmanageable, its because we have lost our focus.......we are trying to find serenity for ourselves.....not trying to force it on others xxx
-- Edited by f2fmember on Monday 28th of January 2013 07:46:52 PM
I sometimes say to my adult daughter, he/she has a sadness, it's something that you can feel and see and that you are attracted to to solve and make right/take away their problems.
It's a way to distract ourselves from doing our own work and finding God thru the 12 steps.
Sometimes we do it WHILE we are in the 12 steps, not wanting to put all of ourselves to God and work thru things.
Love your awareness.
f2fmember wrote:
According to the hula hoops scenario, we invite the broken into our lives in order to fix them,,,,and make ourselves feel powerful, needed, wanted and loved. We are craving love so we find people who will be soooooooo grateful for our help, they will love us in return. Of course that doesn't happen, because even the most broken people don't appreciate being told how to live or what to do. We don't have to deal with their consequences. So they don't listen....decide to do what they've always done. Nothing changes..... And then WE are left feeling frustrated and resentful. After all, we've given them the answer they NEED so why won't they act on it. We can see clearly the answers .... if only they'd listen.
Of course throughout this whole exercise no one is fixing us. By actively fixing someone else (whether they want or need it or not) we are secretly hoping that someone is going to do the same for us.... Of course if anyone tried we would soon shout them down and let them know they don't understand our situation.....
But we know deep down that we find our own lives unmanageable and are waiting for someone to fix it for us.
Thats the insanity of this behaviour......
Of course I identify with the story... Thats why I went to Alanon in the first place. I spent years trying to fix my husband and my friends and family were trying to fix me.....by telling me to leave, and I was becoming resentful towards both my husband for not letting me fix him.....AND my family and friends because they didn't understand !!!!
In Alanon we learn to accept people as they are. We have no control over people places or things. The only person we can change is ourselves. and we are the only person capeable of doing it.
By letting go of other damaged people we can find the space to fix our own damaged self.... and allow other damaged people the dignity of doing the same for themselves.
When life becomes unmanageable, its because we have lost our focus.......we are trying to find serenity for ourselves.....not trying to force it on others xxx
-- Edited by f2fmember on Monday 28th of January 2013 07:46:52 PM
