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I'm posting this because it's important for all of us as enablers to know! Once you have allowed your A friend or family member establish their "residence" with you, you can NOT force them to leave without officially evicting them. That can be a long drawn out process, it will also require you to pay filing fees and such. This is what I was told by the Houston PD, but I would check your local PD. Even though my AD has only been here a couple of months and is not paying anything, and is not on our lease, she is officially "living here". I allowed her to forward her mail here, so I'm stuck. Now mind you in my case I'm still going to try my best to get her out of here. But, I was told the police could not help me at all!
I had to get an order of protection to get my husband out. He became very verbally abusive and threatening in the month before he separated. We have had incidents of physical abuse in the past and I repeatedly asked him to move out before things became violent again. He refused and it wasn't until he assaulted me that I was able to get him out. I have found in my situation that not all police officers understand what it takes to get the order of protection. When he was just threatening me I was told by an officer there was nothing I could do except leave myself which I couldn't afford to do. I was told later by a lawyer that a threat is enough to get at least a temporary order. I wish I would have known that before things turned violent. If you have been threatened that might be the route to go.
Well, she hasnt been violent towards us, at least not yet. She was supposed to be out before the kids got home from school, now everyone is here and i dont want them to see/hear all of this. She admitted to stealing some of the money but not the pills, she said she would pay us back when she gets her tax return. When I told her she needs to leave anyway, she started threatening suicide and telling me i will have to pick her body after she disappears. I said u would rather die and give up your kids than go to rehab? She says ....f**k you to me, then she says, fine I win ?!? I can take her kids forever! I think she may have found an option that scares me, she may be moving in with her drug dealer. He has already lost his two kids so I guess they will be very happy together?
In the State where I live, in Australia, a court order was termed a Restraining Order, it is now called an Intervention Order.
Recently I had a friend told by local police that she could not ask them to remove their adult alcoholic child from the family home.
Police only follow the law when they understand it and this was a good example of their ignorance.
She contacted the Legal Services hot line and also the Domestic Violence crisis line and found that the local police were incorrect, she received good advice each time she inquired and now she has been able to get the adult child removed from their home with an Intervention order.
I suggest you keep inquiring in your state.....as this is a legal question as well as frightening for you.
Also I encourage you to write down examples of when you were frightened or upset by the A's behaviour.
This will help when you need to give information to whomever you are speaking to.
If you were to call 1-800-abuse and report 1. Abuse of the elderly due to her stealing your husband's meds. and/or 2. Child abuse in the form of her coming home high, drugged out, and screaming in front of the kids, that would send Child Protective Services to your house and they would order her to leave probably too. Of course that is also a threat that could be used for leverage. She could face criminal charges for the theft of medications.
AD in my case means Addicted Daughter (since her vice is prescription Medicine), some folks it's Alcoholic, as with AH = husband, ABF = boy friend, AS = son, etc. In my case she steals them, buys them off the street and has taken so many so often CPS asked her to "place" her 6 kids with family to avoid them taking them from her. I am caring for those kids along with 3 other small children for whom i have permanent custody of. Although CPS will not allow her unsupervised access to her kids they allowed her to stay with me and the kids while she attended out patient rehab. I have to continually monitor her interaction with them. She dropped out of rehab and has recently been caught stealing from me and my blind and sick husband. We need her out of here so I can concentrate on caring for the kids properly instead of dealing with her daily drama. However like my original post said, I can't force her out, evidently I have no legal right.
So, Working Through It, what exactly do you mean by stepping in front of God? I'm confused, surely I can't just live like this much longer while i wait for her to "see the light" we are on a very limited income and the money she stole put ALL of us, including her children in jeopardy. At what point do we (all enablers) step away? I've wrestled with this a lot, I couldn't let all the kids get split up and split up in the foster care system, I went through this with my son and his 6 kids were put in 4 separate homes, 2 were bordering on abusive, one was ok, one was excellent. But the kids were GONE for 2 months (while we underwent an extensive home study to be approved to have them come live with us) they had hardly any access to their family or each other at all, the only persons who could visit were their parents twice a month. The littlest was only 2 and came to my home after two months speaking Spanish instead of English and had almost forgotten me and his brothers and sisters. I love my grand kids and we are very close, I knew we would lose them if they went that route.... I guess my mistake was allowing her to move here to go to out patient rehab. Which was the original purpose of my post.......think twice, three times and more before allowing an addict/alcoholic into your home! You can't help them, and by doing so you may get "locked" into a situation you can't get out of. Hmmmm, is that what you meant? I may have just "typed" my way into understanding your response.
But, then what could I have done? Tell her she needed to go in patient or nothing? At the time I hoped she would be a help with all these kids while going mornings to out patient rehab. Instead it's like having a belligerent teenager here, who interferes with any good that could be happening with her children. I also never dreamed she would steal from the very people caring for her and her kids! That's an addict for you!
I have learned Momma to completely ignore the suicidal threats. One, she's been saying them for years now and I've overheard her tell her ex bf the same things she tells me. She also cares quite a bit about herself, even though with alcohol her self esteem is at an all time low, and she also can't stand pain or blood. It sounds harsh and I never respond to a single threat she makes because of the fear that if she does then I did make it happen. However, I don't believe them any longer. If it does happen it won't be because of me it will be because of Another bad choice she made. I applaud you for doing your best to get her out of the house and also for caring for all of her children and more. Take care of you and take care of the innocent kids, and let her go. Let God take care of her. She's a mature grown woman let her be long gone and on her way. I agree with pinkchip that using any legal tools may also get her away. Use what you can, it sounds like you more than deserve any peace that comes from it.
I went through something similar with my sister and I filed a restraining order. I went to the court house, told the judge that she was harassing me, threatening and stealing. They signed it and served her with it ASAP. You should def. look into it.
I think there is a possiblity of having her removed under a 51/50 order. Someone who is threatening to commit suicide is a danger to themselves. Then when she is off at the 51/50 you can get a restraining order. Once you put the papers in (which you can get a waiver for in court costs) the Judge signs them in a day or two (within the time of a 51/50 which is 72 hours.
Incidentally if you are low income you would not have to pay court fees. Most courts have a fee waiver. There are also legal aid socieities that can help you with the filing if you need help filing the eviction notice. Of course if your daughter is not paying rent that is reason enough for her to have to move. So in theory if you go either way while it is a huge burden on your time either way should not cost you anything financially. Emotionally of course there is another matter. I am not sure whether you are involved with any social service organizations but there may be ways to get CPS to help you as there is no question their mother is a danger to her children if she is threatening to commit suicide.
I grew up emotionally over responsible for everyone. These days I am very careful what I give, how I give it and when I give it. People pleasing has nearly killed me in much the same way alcohol does an alcoholic. I would give away my every possession to help another. I felt guilty if I had anything and others didin't. I felt obliged to help everyone.
No one here would suggest you need to do anything for your daughter at all. We do not judge, label or condem anyone for having to take whatever action they need to to preserve their sanity. If someone crosses certain boundaries with me they are no longer someone I associate with. In the past I took "it" till I couldn't take it anymore. These days I move faster. For those of us surrounded by dysfunction boundaries do not come easily.
