The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is now 4 weeks since we had that violent clash. where I seperated myself physically and geographically during the first 2 weeks, I felt a sort of peace and calm, that i haven't felt at all lately in this relationship. I almost felt selfish and guilty, but due to th eviolence of the events, I also felt stronger and secure to have managed to get away safe of thi ssituation. but mainly I had felt FEAR and CONFUSION. It had all erupted fast, and I didn't really understood what had happened. and there was a lot of fear about the near future and my own security. yes, i was scared crazy and had nightmares that told me so. i also felt very small...and hurt (but hurt didn't matter so much at first).
then I came back, in his presence, in this environment. we met, so we could sit and talk. and he was nice and I started to think i had imagined it all. anyway that encounter was brief...that week had become even bigger in turmoil. That week,last week only, i felt more fear, first fear of him and his beliefs and his words, then fear and worry he might kill himself, then 1 day where I actually thought he HAD killed himself, then more fear. After that I stopped all contact, after having set up my new boundaries, which i promised myself I would stick to, because they are my healthy rules.
So now after a couple of days of absoolute silence, doubt is creeping in. and the fear that I might have been misjudging, doing him wrong. maybe he is not sick. maybe he has become better, maybe he is sober in every sense. the truth is I will never know. So currently I am feeling GUILT. and HURT is also setting in. I didn't cry all that past time, not once, and that was a surprise, because I normally cry easily...normally I'm very in touch with my feelings. but lately I felt numb. So no that hurt is slowly be felt, and loneliness, i start really feeling uneasy. I wake up in the morning and see myself crying out of sleep. and it's a deep deep hurt.
I also start obsessing about the A, where is he, how is he, what is he doing. I also know I'm better off with him. I keep reminding me the facts.
I know no break-up is easy. and I know I have to give it time to heal. And I know I have to stay strong and not call him back in a moment 'surrender'. I thought i love that guy, and i thought he loved me. but love doesn't include such sickness. So I need to work through my program and this will take TIME and PATIENCE.
so i'm just asking for some ESH from you, if some of you felt similar in such times, and so controverse. How is it that an unhealthy thing acts like a magnet like this on me? any tools that add to make this time more stable and this struggle better to handle.
Hello again Tortuga, I'm sending you lots of positive vibes to help you get through this difficult time. Please be gentle with yourself, it is difficult and I imagine that you are looking after yourself better than you probably realise and I hope that you take pride in that. The fact that your feelings are returning might be a sign that you are in a safer place. It is exhausting carrying all that amour and whilst it is great to put it down, it can unleash some tears and confusion and, in my case, a fair amount of panic! I went through so much introspection and looked at my navel to find all the hardships in my life - duh?!! Eventually I decided that I was not as bad as I imagined and it was what I was doing in this moment that really mattered. I figured that I had a lot of nice skills that were not being put to good use, so I started to find ways of using them. I think it is ok to feel hurt, it is ok to cry and then it is ok to count your blessings and give yourself permission to think about something warm and lovely instead. The big change for me was the realisation that I had self esteem (albeit a bit worn at the edges) so I set myself the task of protecting that self esteem and honouring it (which included forgiving myself as well) - that changed my approach to life and to AH. When I get confused I meditate and ask the question 'how am I with this?' I think that I became used to being treated badly, I became strangely comfortable with knowing that old routine. How silly is that?!! I deserved better and I suspect that you do as well my dear. Take great care of yourself x
It only acts like a magnet when you don't give yourself enough time and distance to grow away from the relationship. Also, change is scary.... As human beings we strive just to be able to predict things. Sometimes we settle for things being predictably bad so we go back to bad relationships because after all, nothing is 100 percent bad all the time right? Your ex has some good traits...
So...you have fear of the unknown...fear of change...and probably other fears.
What's the answer? Work your program and replace that fear with faith. Pray to your HP...get to meetings, find a sponsor, work the steps...and you will know a new happiness and a new freedom.
...I went through so much introspection and looked at my navel to find all the hardships in my life - duh?!!...
yes i guess that's what I'm doing right now. And I'm currently trying to build myself up , leaving some of the bad stuff out of my story...
Thank you for the support, I really need some encouraging words, because I'm quite isolated here and my thoughts are not any good always. I also take more time for selfcare these days, it's unusual, not doing it for somebody else. but it doesn't feel bad, I'm thankful
@pinchkip: Fears, yes many...wow, and confusion. ex is vascillating from up to down , from loving to hating in minutes...who could follow this speed of madness.
Breathe, pray, have faith in yourself. It's difficult to believe that our decisions are the right ones. We are always so concerned about the needs and hurts of others, that we look past what we need. What you need most is time and space. Those two things will help you feel better. Keep coming here and go to F2F meetings. You need some encouragement and probably some hugs from others who understand the big choices you have made. Keep your chin up.
In your situation, I found it helpful to remember myself before I got so distraught. I had to go back to before I met my ex-husband. I found it helpful to remember myself quite young. I had promise, joy, connections with real friends, etc. I was dusting off my toolbox. I still have promise, I still have joy and so on. Just re-experiencing within me what I felt was now lost in my despair helped even me out. I even wore a sweater from the good old days to re-experience the strength and warmth. Little things like that, no matter how "out there", helped me to come back. I'm back!
I found it tremendously helpful to pay attention to my nutrition. Sugar brings me down. Sunshine lifts my soul. Sleep feeds my serenity.
Weekly AlAnon meetings were crucial to my return. I went from visiting a foreign planet to learning the language and customs of AlAnon. I experienced acceptance and knew I had not lost my mind.
