The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
From my experience being in AA for a long time....Alcoholics are either in 1 of 2 modes. In or out of the program. Sober or not. What you are describing is not a person in recovery if they are constantly relapsing. Being "partially in recovery" equals not being in recovery because half arsing AA results in no progress. I am only telling you this cuz knowledge of the disease helps sometimes. Recovery is work and it's either being done and the alcoholics program of sobriety is obvious...or they are either in a relapse or headed for one. That's just my experience.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 22nd of January 2013 08:36:48 PM
I've been on here before, and as is my way, I tend only to post when in the throes of the disease. My AH who is in recovery, but hasn't been as "in" recovery lately as in the past, is drinking tonight, I think. I came home and he's taking on online class upstairs in the den and when I passed by, it smelled like beer.
He doesn't sound drunk (he's in the midst of his class right now) but I swear I heard a beer bottle clink. I'm a child of an alcoholic as well, so I feel like my ear is especially tuned to that.
He's had a few relapses lately, and no extended period of sobriety.
I don't know whether to ask him about it, or pretend like nothing happened. I know it's his disease, his recovery, but it's also my marriage. I don't want a fight, but I am so very tired of this disease being such an active part of my life.
It leaves me so scared of the future -- I feel like he relapses or drinks whenever I'm away for any extended period of time.
I'm not looking really to be told what to do, just want to hear others experiences. This disease really sucks, doesn't it?
I don't know what to say outside of I tend to know what I know and what I totally know is confronting an A while they are active in drinking is never a good idea. Maybe there is a way to bring it up when he is sober or has that clarity. While he's drinking it's probably best to go with what you know. You know he's an A who is not in recovery and chances are he's drinking.
So the bigger question .. he's going to drink or not .. what are you going to do? what about you? What do you want?
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Well, looks like my higher power took care of that answer for me. My AH came downstairs when his class was done and fessed up to drinking six beers. Then he said something like, "I heard you crying downstairs and I'm not going to live like that. I didn't do anything wrong." don't know what he means by that -- not going to drink, or did nothing wrong by drinking. Regardless, I figured tonight isn't the night for follow-up questions so I'm jsut letting it be and continuing with my night.
If he's like my ex-AH, he means, "I get to drink when I want to, it's not wrong, so there."
The thing that I found out, over too many years, is that confronting him only leads to an argument. It really rang a bell when you wrote "I know it's his disease, his recovery, but it's also my marriage." My ex-AH never understood why I was so fearful for the marriage when he drank. To him it had nothing to do with the marriage. For me, the question was whether I could bear a marriage in which he kept on drinking. When it was obvious that he was not going to stop, I knew I couldn't. I held out hope for a long time, but soon enough it became clear. It is now nine years later and he is still drinking. But of course that doesn't say anything about your marriage. Whatever happens, take care of yourself.
Also, an alcoholic will say they are "trying so hard" but if that was true...they would go to meetings, get a sponsor, work steps... Like I said, recovery is work, but not rocket science. Either being sober is a priority for him or it's not. From there, it gets back to what Mattie and Pushka are saying - He will drink or not...What will you do?
Yes, I agree that he's not fully in recovery. He goes to meetings a few times a week, has a sponsor but keeps putting himself in situations where he relapses. It's easy for me to see what he should be doing but I'm not him and I'm not an alcoholic.
Right now, I'm just dealing with it and taking things day by day and trying not to let the days he does drink affect me too much. I'm trying to stay in my lane. I can't make him sober, but I'm not at a point where I want to walk away from this relationship in the least. We're newly married , and I underestimated the power of this disease and just naively thought it could be conquered if we had a home that was peaceful enough. I know now tht his drinking is separate from me, and trying to work on my own codependency issues (which I have no shortage of) . Thanks for your shares. I sometimes feel shame for loving a man in the throes of this disease, but will continue to pray that he sees fit to get sober. In the meantime, I'm trying to sort through my own complicated feelings about what I want and need. Tonight, that meant venting and just being thankful I was able to walk away and not escalate the situation - something I would have done a few months ago
Congratulations on making that "big" step. Believe me. I know where you are. I've been there so many times myself, and it didn't help when I confronted him and things escalated. I'm glad you came here, prayed, and stepped away. Keep coming back. We all need to help one another through this. Can you go to a face to face meeting?
