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My husband and I have been having serious problems since he started drinking very heavily in October. He also started an affair with some trashy woman at this time. In October he first told me that he wants a divorce because "we are trapped in a loveless marriage." Throughout November and December he continued to see this woman and was drinking more than ever and would at times tell me that he hates me and is divorcing because in always the exact same words" we are trapped in a loveless marriage." During his brief sort of sober moments he would tell me he loves me and wanted to work things out. We separated in December. I kicked him out. Despite repeatedly saying he wanted a divorce of course he took no action to leave or separate from me in anyway. We have now been separated for a month. He is more out of control than ever. I try very hard to detach myself from the situation and have no contact but we have to talk sometimes about bills and other things since we are still married. A few weeks ago he was asking me to let him come home and work on our marriage. Now today he when I talked to him he pulled out that phrase that just drives me crazy. "We are trapped in a loveless marriage." We were not even talking about our marriage. It was a discussion on paying bills so there was no reason for him to say it but the conversation was not going the way he wanted. I know he says this because he knows its the easiest way to upset me. I can't stop myself from yelling at him that of course there is no love between the people that we have become now. I argue with him that it's not possible for him to love anyone at this point because he hates himself and can't love anything but his precious bottle of brandy. And while I'm yelling he just sits back and smiles and says see. The problem is you. There is nothing wrong with me. You're crazy and unlovable. I know what he is doing. He knows exactly how to upset me and take the focus of of the real issue of his drinking. And as I'm yelling inside I'm telling myself stop it. He's manipulating you. But I found myself sitting and texting messages to him for the next hour about how we were in love and the alcohol has clouded everything. I'm so disappointed in myself. I really hope I can reach that point soon where I will not allow him to get to me in this way. It's so hard.
I would agree this is very very hard stuff. You are human after all.
I have realised this week that a year ago a woman I worked with got under my skin very successfully. She manipulated me very very well. I had no idea what was going on but now I do. I have to forgive myself for that.
Some alcoholics are great manipulators. The issue is that their chaos feeds the alcoholism. To not get into the chaos with them is the key.
Of course there is going to be an interim period in any "divorce" "separation" where there are lots of things to sort out and work on. That is natural. Who ever said it was going to be easy.
I think the best resource for any dealing with the alcoholic is al anon first and foremost. Get to meetings, Get to meetings online if necessary and get a sponsor. Then get the book Getting them Sober.
I'm so sorry this is happening. My experience has also been that alcoholics love chaos.
I wonder if it would help if you brainstormed some ways to respond next time he tries out the "Trapped in a loveless marriage" chaos-producing line. Of course arguing with a drunk person is futile. But there might be some things you would say that would help you detach or end the conversation. (Meanwhile you can visualize him with "SICK SICK SICK" written on his forehead.) For me, it might go something like:
Him: We're trapped in a loveless marriage! Trapped!
You: Okay, I have to go now. I'll talk to you on Wednesday when the bills come in.
Him (trying desperately): Trapped! Never was any love!
You: Bye. [Click.]
Or I can imagine all kinds of other responses: "Yep, that's why I'm filing for divorce. Talk to ya later, bye." "Sorry to hear that. Gotta go now, bye." "You could be right. Talk to ya soon, bye." "It's always sad when that happens. Gotta run, bye."
When my ex would do stuff like this, afterwards of course I'd tear my hair and roll my eyes and then sometimes I even had to laugh. So sad and so ludicrous that they're so sick and so predictable.
I think I would consider agreeing with him and saying:" I know isn't that the truth --- have to run" When you hang up you can make an alanon call and vent if necesssary.
Another thought I had -- how much alcoholics try to rewrite reality. "You never supported me! You blame me for everything!" Etc. etc. etc. Like our actions are responsible for 100% of the relationship. It sounds like your A is using these accusations to give him another excuse to drink and an excuse for why things are bad (as if his drinking had nothing to do with it). Boy, the deflecting is amazing. It's so hard to watch how detached they are from reality. Hard to watch how deep they are in the insanity. The good news is that for you to see it means that you're keeping your head above the insanity. Hugs.
My exAH used to do something like that, that would trigger me to go on a rant, but when I started attending al-anon and found my sponsor, she asked me to try to say maybe you are right instead of my normal rant, and voila it changed the whole discussion. Thank God for al-anon and the tools that come with it. I hope you can make it to face to face meetings. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
omg! I am reading your post and thinking how perfectly you describe how they take the focus off of themself and put it onto you. That smirk that they get when they relax because they have been successful infuriates me. I won't give him the satisfaction anymore. Can't work up the emotion.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
That stupid smirk still gets to me evertime. We have been together for 10 years and like everyone else here have been through so much craziness and unbelievable situations. But this arrogance is something that he has only started displaying since we separated. I try to tell myself it's a false front and he's trying to pretend he's fine now that I kicked him out. I know it means he's more insecure than ever but it still drives me crazy.
