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just feeling frstration, because I have my boundaries & have not spoken to the A since i decided to separate myself from his issues & the blame that he placed on me. now, I just received an email, semi-blaming me, and also crying out admitting he has problems & a disorder.
I do not want to reply, but I know that I should at least acknowledge.
This is what I have learned this year. It is best that I don't respond to text or emails like that. In my case the A in my like is looking for validation of some kind that he's really not fully responsible for the consequences of his actions. I take a hard line my boundary is no contact. I don't do it perfectly I'm much better than I was. I also try and use THINK in any responses, it is thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary, kind. For me this emails/ text are all about manipulation and it's the disease talking because it needs to be fed. It's really hard to drop the rope and allow the disease to die it's own death. Sometimes it takes the life of a loved one. It's a terrible disease. No. You don't have to respond. Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
If this was an ex that you are trying to be done with, I wouldn't respond at all.
If it was a family member, that might be harder to ignore.
Often times, not responding allows them time to stew in their own problems. When you are not around for them to blame, yet their disease keeps causing them problems (as it will) it becomes more apparent that the "blame" falls on them and/or the disease itself.
Hence, I just caution you to be careful when responding because it's you not responding that has the A considering their role in things more. If you step fully back into the picture and they continue with the active alcoholism, you will just become the target for blame again.
Best to practice detachment. That may come in the form of a simple reply of something like "I'm glad you are coming to some positive realizations about your problems." Of course that will probably anger the A because they want you to say "sorry" for what they think is your fault.
You know that it's only worth apologizing for things that you believe ARE your fault. Even then, making amends to an alcoholic is tough cuz they use everything as an excuse to keep drinking. They twist what you say and will spit it back at your all wrong.
You are not obliged to respond or acknowledge his email at all. If or when you think you are ready you can reply then but to repeat what someone above stated "It depends on how close you want to be with the A". Because any reply will open the door for further communication. Just my 2 cents Blessings
The great thing about email is the ability to hit delete when necessary. It was wonderful he sent you that update! You read it, you digested it and now you can delete it and move on. At least that's what I would do...
If my exAH sent that I would let it go. It's not my responsibility to acknowledge his problem or offer assistance. That's on him! If he truly needed me to assist in his recovery, he could have his therapist (assuming he'd have one) contact me.
I am in a similar situation today, however, I sent the email to my A Daughter. Not to confront her but to once again offer my help and suggest she get help see below (its lengthy but its been several weeks of thinking over):
Hi *
I'm writing this because I'm a worried sick parent. I'm writing to ask one last time if you'll please look for help with your alcohol problem. We know its there. It didn't change from sources we sought out and figured out there is an issue. If anything its gotten much worse. For 8 months now it has been pretty extreme. * this isn't things other people are doing. You can't say that anymore, 'that everyone is doing it'. Its not true. Only you and * are at the point of it being a problem now.
We love you so much and its killing us to see you walking a tight rope trying to balance a normal life with the insanity of alcohol issues. Do you know Dad and I discussed that if you were completely sober we'd both be fine with you living at home for free and just doing chores around the house? We hate this so much that we would rather have a child who lives with us until they're ready to be out free and just working than to listen to and see what is happening.
* you are losing or have lost most of your friends. You haven't kept a friend, except *, since High School. This is almost 7 years and is spiraling now out of control. You can not maintain relationships or friendships with the way you act when you are out and when you drink. I've heard it said so much recently and think of you when I do...."no one likes a drunk, especially a drunk woman" No MU friends were kept, you told them off. Work friends weren't kept, no Kevin, Kristen, Liz, and now no more word of Heather. You can't tell people off and tell them they're losers while falling off a bar stool. They'll walk away shaking their head. They aren't in trouble with the law, they aren't drinking almost every night if not every night. They just aren't. You worry so much about people talking about you but you go out and give them fuel for the fire. They WILL stop if you no longer do this. Its that simple. No one talks about people who are living a normal healthy life.
I will drop everything today and from here on to help you get help. We tried it before only for the weekends to come and you blow me off all over again. We tried the agreement and the offer of help with payments. I will do anything and be there for you Every Single Step of the way to help get you beyond this problem. We will find a place somehow, some way that will fit your work schedule. I will go with you to every single appointment or whatever it takes even if they disapprove of me being there. I will go to every single thing.
In 30 days this life and turmoil and issues can begin to be behind you. You will have a foothold on your life and your behavior again.
I Promise you, if you stop this your friends will come back, the future will look and be SO much brighter and you'll learn to tolerate people again and not be so angry all the time and upset and mad all the time. Alcohol is a depressant...you know it, you've heard it, we've heard it. It is a Fact. When you drink you may be on a high for a short period that night but everything after is negative the rest of the night, the morning after and now with legal issues for many months and years after.
If you don't seek help, there is nothing ahead but bad things. You can never have a relationship with a decent normal guy. You'll find guys or men that also just want to drink and their life will not be good either. Again, no one likes a drunk. It can't be any clearer than that.
If you choose not to stop and/or get help, as we've talked about anything that comes up will be on you. As you posted one day, you're 22 and you can make your own decisions. As you and I also discussed I can't and won't babysit you. I WILL sit with you, I WILL hang with you, I WILL go with you to get help. I/We won't be available for bad choices.
We can't afford to pay your house payment if you drive and are arrested again. Ruger would have to go to a shelter or someone else. We don't want another dog inside. We can't afford your bills on top of our own if something happens. Your car would need to be sold anyway. If you drive, you'll lose your license for 10 years I think it is. No good job, no transportation, no home any longer. No coming to be with us. This is what faces you if you don't stop.
Its not fun to hear you drunk or see pictures of you out again and drunk. Its a horrible thing for us to be going through. This isn't the beautiful little girl we had and raised and had in our home and took care of. This is a bottle destroying her slowly and painfully over time.
I'm asking you to not get mad about this, there is nothing I'm trying to be mean about. I'm trying to lay out the facts and put it in black and white and I'm trying above ALL ELSE....to offer to get help. Today, tomorrow, don't wait.
We have SO much to look forward to and do but we can't do it with a bottle in between us. Please be done with it and all of this. PLEASE.
Just say the one word HELP and let me know you're ready and I'll start calling for places that we can go and we'll do every night until you feel better if we have to. It Has to be your choice to once and for all stop.
I love you,
Mom
Her response to the above was immediate and spewing hate. I can't paste what she said here as she did it through Instant Message and I kept hitting delete as she sent it due to the content of it. At one time she said she'd rather wrap her car around a tree tonight than go on and yet another comment was how much of a wonderful life my husband, her brother and I are having and she's not part of it and never will be again thanks to us. She also ended it all with saying she would definitely have a drink tonight thanks to her ex best friend, ex bf, and myself thinking she's a piece of sh*t. I am hurt now. I know I probably shouldn't have said anything but as a mom I feel like I HAVE to offer help. Most of the time however I let go, let God...today I didn't and should have I guess.
Hope what happened to me when I did what I shouldn't helps you MACTX
