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I come from a family of 8 where both of my parents died of alcoholism. I've always accepted this fact and spoke out about alcohol and removed myself from situations when it got crazy. There is a lot of addiction in my family and my siblings wont even talk about the alcoholism of my parents. I've spent a lot of time working on myself through counseling, church, meditation ect and learned how to communicate my emotions instead of hold them in. I'm writing to you guys because it seems like the healthier I get the less my siblings want to have anything to do with me.
Sometimes I think I'm going crazy because I thought it was a good thing to learn how to say your feelings if you are upset instead of hold things in and stand up for yourself if someone is drinking and it bothers you but it seems like no one understands. My family has never been that healthy and a lot of my siblings are asleep and cant deal with their feelings. If you dont go along to get along or if you stand up for yourself then they get mad. Instead of talking about things they just dont speak to you for long periods of time and then they act like nothing happened. Some other characteristics of their behavior when they arent upset is that they dont acknowledge you if you wish them happy holidays or send an email to say hello. When you ask them why they didnt respond they say they dont think they did anything wrong. They say they are busy or that I'm being impatient that they didnt respond fast enough.
My two older sisters are mad that a judge made then distribute my fathers estate 4 years ago. It went to court because my older sister wouldnt discuss the matter with any of us or distribute the estate. I've tried numerous times to contact them to try and make things better and they wont budge or say anything to me. I always say to my self who the hell acts like this? I can understand that they are mad but to never speak again doesnt make sense to me. They wont even say I never want to speak to you again but just dont talk. Is this some sort of power or control they are trying to have? To me it would just be easier to say you dont want a relationship.
I have another sister who is an alcoholic in recovery. I went to see her for a couple of days and things went well. A couple of months later I asked her if I could spend xmas with her and her daughter and she never responded. When I confronted her about not responding she made it into a big fight and told me I shouldnt expect love from my family and that I was just lonely. She hasnt spoke to me in over a year. I think she was having problems because she was drinking listerine when I was there but I just didnt say anything but the behavior that came afterward makes me beleive that she wasnt doing well.
This xmas I decided to let my family go because their behavior is just to hurtful. I wasnt that sensitive in the past but the more work I do on myself the more I see that this type of behavior isnt right. I use to let it go but now it just seems like their behavior is so mean. I keep giving giving and giving and they cant even acknowledge an email checking in on them or a holiday or birthday wish.
I just have one question for you guys and it is, "am I crazy or is this the way siblings act that come from two alcoholic parents? I just dont think there is anything else I can do except to move on without them but I had a really difficult time separating myself from my parents when they acted the same way. It seems to me like I'm repeating the cycle what do you think? Have any of you worked to be healthier and had family act in this way? If I can understand what is going on it makes it a lot easier to move on.
Do you have an Al-Anon group, or have you been a member of ACOA? Those both will provide good support to move ahead, because the answers aren't simple enough just to spell out. And we all need support in moving on from these things. I hope you'll find some good groups in your area.
The short answer is that relationships are typically unhealthy when they've been affected by alcoholism. People who've been in the circle of alcoholism get sucked into the craziness and insanity and chaos too. They need their own recovery.
But all we can do is focus on our own recovery, each of us. Our family members may well be behaving unhealthily, but all we can do is recognize that and make our own lives better. We can't make their journey for them. My own practice has been to put my unhealthy family and friends at the edge of the 'outer circle' and not rely on them, but rely on the people I've known since working on my own recovery. Because those people are typically healthier.
Doesn't sound like you're crazy at all - in fact, it sounds to me like you are the ONE person in a family that has had a lot of difficulty (from the disease of alcoholism) who is trying to break the chain of dysfunction, and I applaud you for it.... Trouble is, Step 1 is applicable for your situation as well... you can't change/control other people, including your siblings... the only person you can "fix" is you, and it sounds to me like you are well on the way to doing just that. I'd encourage you to continue choosing recovery for yourself, and you will continue to grow & learn...
Glad you found us, and keep coming back
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Well first Welcome & you are definitely in the right place I think a lot of us thought we were crazy when we first hit alanon and speaking just for myself I was just as if not crazier than my son who is an addict and brought me here. But I also came from a very addictive, abusive home. I had/have a sister who is 11 yrs older than me and my brother (who passed away almost 2 yrs ago) was 10 yrs older than me. We were actually the opposite of what you wrote about your siblings. Although my sister and brother were alcoholics/addicts also we were very very close. We stuck together and protected one another as much as possible. However that didn't mean we were healthy mentally. We were raised in dysfunction therefore we were dysfunctional in our thinking. My siblings eventually found recovery but I didn't even look for my own recovery until my son's addiction brought me to my knees. I was desperate for anything or anyone who could help me. Tried therapy, meds etc and only alanon got me on the path to being mentally healthy. I work my program hard everyday because if I look over my shoulder I can still see where I was prior to alanon and I have promised myself never to get there again. I wish I had been open to my own recovery of being surrounded by addiction etc much earlier as I would have learned new healthy behaviors and coping skills. And would have been able to pass those on to my children. Because while they weren't raised in an addictive home my husband and I sure did have all the dysfunctions that went with it. I would suggest getting yourself to meetings or joining us here online for our twice daily meetings. you aren't crazy and you aren't alone anymore. You will have a group of people who understand where you came from, where you are and will listen without judgement. Glad to have you with us! Blessings
Thanks for all of the kind words. I was a member of Ala-non after my mother died and it explained so much to me and taught me so much. It just seems everything is repeating itself. The way my siblings act is the way my parents acted and their behavior makes me feels so worthless. Making the decision to not reach out is sort of hard because I'm single with no children and it's to late to make a family of my own. But I guess I will continue to try to move on. It's just so sad to me mainly because they think nothing of their own behavior.
My siblings behaved in much the same way when my mother died. I over reacted and took it all very personally but I also got to work out a number of boundaries with them so that was good.
There is no explaining why some people defend against grief with such difficult behavior but that is what it is.
I am glad you have sought out resources. I know I found help in many different places but al anon helped me tremendously with boundary issues.
