The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
the reason Im asking this is that i took a time-out in the interaction between myself and my A. i dont say boyfriend anymore, since confusion has mounted up so quickly in the past month, that I didnt really have taken the time to reflect on what was actually going on. I was overwhelmed and scared by the speed of things... to say the least. I guess, so was or is he. so now I have time, and reflect.
Since I entered self-analysis and since my biggest wish for myself for the future is, to be able one day to life a happy, chaos-free life, I really want to put every effort into recovery. Which for me means, I need to be absolutely HONEST, not perfect, but honest. I thought i was. But that was too easy. Chaos was prevailing. So i read somewhere, that we are put again and again in front of a situation, where we get the occasion to learn our lesson and can then move on. the lesson will repeat itself as many times as we need to actually learn AND move on.
I dont want to be self-destructive here, so I need to say at the same time, that I get lessons in front of me, and that i have learned so many things since I started paying attention, that I started looking. This is true. and for that I am sort of proud, I can see the change compared to a few years back. I got more aware on things, behaviors, attitude. and that, for me, is already huge progress. at the same time I have to admit that the issue I am struggling the most with is HONESTY... i thought applying it to my relationship with others only, i would be fine. You see, i am a quite manipulative person myself, as I discovered with living with the A. And recently the idea came to my mind, that I was actually manipulating myself too for that matter. You may call it also lying to myself. It is scary to recognize that, you see.
the idea came to me when I was in an argument with my A. This person knows me quite well, and I know him. The reason for that is, that we are very similar, in many ways. He is not a stupid person. in fact, he is a very sensitive person, that feels the things and the people, and thats what I like about him, because I experience life quite the same way, so that gives us a familiar secure feeling around each other. I am a little bit further into process of self-analysis than he is, lets called it a little bit more mature. He nevertheless has bright perception of whats going on in people and relates well to what I try to communicate. so he asked me, when I was talking along some discoveries I had made over depression, alcoholism...and Al Anon, how I knew all that. He said you can only know these things if you have been there yourself. and he might be true. Maybe the reason that I can relate so easily to all of what I read in AA or Al Anon, is because I am very familiar with the emotions evolved. Of course the A used my moment of insecure reflection as a hint, and used it against me in the next argument to get the attention and focus away from him and his disease, and put it all on my shoulders. like when I asked him, why he didnt attempt his first AA meeting as he had planned to do, he answered i dont need to go there....in fact, its not about me, its not about AA, ....its you who has had major problems in your head due to addiction, fears and all...so it should be you going... he didnt make a full point, but he got things moving in my head when saying that. YOu know, the way how you react to a situation or accusation, can tell you a lot about where you weakness got touched.
ok, Im still not convinced that Im an addict though. this sounds like denial, you can say. True. But Im full aware of the facts, and Im also really humble here, completely aware of my mistakes in the past and my weaknesses and wounds. I am tried to being honest, highlighting a real rightful question though. Fact is, looking back, yes I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I believe my father qualifies as an A,so does my aunt.. even though he is not dead drunk and is not as mean as an A can be, he has many behaviors that affected me and my sisters over the lifetime. the self-centerdness, the status of alcohol in our house, the status of alcohol in every family function, the normality of how alcohol rules every single happy event, the self-pity, the drama....etc etc. Alcohol has become his coping skill for pressure on emotions in his life as a doctor. Anyway, this is a whole different post, and I might have to attend ACOA for this question. Consequences are, mother is depressed and very low in self-confidence, sisters are anorexic, and one herself quite alcoholic, so that brought me to myself. Since its a self-analysis. we evolve in an environment, so sometimes when we get stuck (and i found myself in a major depression 10 years ago) it helps looking at our surrounding. I started there, to land in front of myself, finally.
Honesty: yes I have a compulsive mind. Yes I started drinking in family first, at the age of 17 (in Europe quite a normal practice with our culinary practice), than as a student discovered more of the extremes of it, then discovered weed, and i tried all kind of drugs once, just to get scared and let them be. Some call that the foolish experimenting of student times...yes it was. but i also discovered i wasnt good at it, and it wasnt good for me. So i let it all be. And became more myself again in the last 5 years. i still like to drink a glass of wine with a good meal, but then I have enough. I am much more aware of my limits today, and i simply dont want to suffer from a hangover after a party, which in the 30s last 2 days instead of one morning in the twenties...
No seriously, i discovered the long-time negative consequences of that unhealthy living and turned to calm and peaceful practice of life instead, buddhism and meditation and nature included. Thats where i let myself led by my HP...so here I am, in this current situation. Since then happiness and peace started to sink in more and more.
Until I met my boyfriend, who accelerated this self-discovery quite a bit on a dramatic speed. So now it is all back in front of me, and I was wondering what that means. and I also realize I cannot put everything mad that happened on his account, since I realize my part of myself, of my life story.
It doesnt solve anything, knowing all these facts, but I think this awareness and knowledge will allow me to own more humility, and to learn to practice forgiveness, for myself and for him, and my father (towards which I am feeling very resentful at times), and for understanding my sisters and their turmoil. We all live with what we learned to do. I thought for a long time that this would be the only possible way to live, and that was frightening.. The new thing in this would be, and its a challenge but a relief, that I can change those things who didnt seem to work in the past, into something that will work in the future.
Actually it is only a little piece of puzzle of my life...but as you know some pieces add more to the whole picture as others. And since Im opening up to this honesty, I find it also easier to be more compassionate to myself..and probably then others in the future. which gives me HOPE. lets hope this honesty lasts. Thats why I will come back here. over and over again.
Thanks for such an honest share tortuga! Welcome to our program and the board! I think al-anon and ACOA groups both will be beneficial to you after reading your story. As most honest alcoholics who are working a program will tell you, "Only an alcoholic can call himself and alcoholic." It is up to each and every one of us who drinks to decide whether or not it is a problem for us or not. For me that is the line between social drinking and alcoholism. In my opinion, it is not fair for you bf to turn the disease back on you... that is your decision to make about yourself, as it is his. And again, if YOU are having issues with HIS drinking (whether he has admitted to being an alcoholic or not) than Al-Anon is for you!
I can see that you have given this a lot of thought and suggest that you try 6 face to face meetings at an al-anon near you and decide for yourself if the group is of benefit to you. As we say in al-anon, try us for 6 meetings and if you feel our program isn't helping, we will gladly give you back your misery! You can also try an Al-anon meeting here in the chat room if you'd like, they meet daily and the times are posted at the top of this board. If nothing else you have found HOPE, as you said... and that is in itself a blessing! Good luck to you in your journey!
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I have given much thought to your share and what you are asking. I do believe that we who live with the alcoholic and the alcoholic share the same disease. I have heard alcoholism referred to as the Thinking Disease. The alcoholic who has stopped drinking to mask there feelings are still active in the thinking disease of alcoholism. We who live with the disease of alcoholism do not drink to excess and avoid our own feelings by focusing on others and care taking them so as not avoid taking care of ourselves. We are both working from the same disease.
Our actions of denial, pretend, self pity, fear, resentment, manipulation are very much like that of the alcoholic because we have the same disease of negative attitudes. That is why the Steps, the traditions and the slogans work in both programs
Asking if you are an alcoholic is a question only you can answer. Our own Jerry F tells the story about himself . He was in alanon 9 years and innocently took a medical questionnaire "Are you an alcoholic "? discovered amazing results. Yes we are capable of living in denial just as the alcoholic
Here is a great test from AA that could help
Are You an Alcoholic?To answer this question, ask yourself the following questions and answer them as honestly as you can.
You do not ever have to show this to anyone, nor should you!
1. Do you lose time from work due to your drinking?
2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?
7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
11. Do you want a drink the next morning?
12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?
16. Do you drink alone?
17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?
18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
20. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.
Thank you so much for your thoughts on this. when I was around 20, surely the question : '. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?' i had to answer with YES. and I can clearly see now, if i would have followed the process through at that time, I could have slipped into addiction. But depression came first, and I let go of it all, and today, I'm 35, and I can tell that the last 7 years I managed to get my life and personality back together, I have experienced my limits, and i know them today. I understand the 'thinking disease', because I'm very familiar with it, in depression I went throughout part of that thinking myself. But I have worked through, no around. The antidote to all that confusion and fear has been for me, working on my self-confidence. For this I had to learn to do things in my life that I wanted to do, follow my dreams. I am still living that dream of choice currently. I just never took a step back to take a real look at my accomplishment so far. But yes I have an issue with HIS drinking, since his behavior becomes totally irrational in every day life, which is affecting me as his girlfriend too. So Al Anon is right for me. Overcome, unfortunately i live in this country where there are no such things as F2F meetings, thats why I am on this board a lot, and maybe sometimes with very long or intense posts, because this is the only place i can come too. I realize they would be better shared in real meetings, but I have to work with what I've got. so here I am. Thank you a lot for discussing this, and give your personal point of view. big hug to all.
Hi Tortuga, Thank you for your honest share, there is a lot there that I can relate to. I have also noticed that my AH and I have quite a lot of similarities and my current take on this is that we are both human and we both have feelings (however much we might bottle them up or drown them out). It is great to hear that you are feeling more hopeful about your journey, it is a lovely feeling when one takes ownership of that I think - it is your journey, your dreams. Big hugs to you (and a huge pat on the back as well!)
You can also try an Al-anon meeting here in the chat room if you'd like, they meet daily and the times are posted at the top of this board. If nothing else you have found HOPE, as you said... and that is in itself a blessing! Good luck to you in your journey!