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My son, 19, has been behaving himself relatively well lately because I have asked him to leave and get his own place. Well, he has blown that tonight. He has been drinking since friday night and he storms in here drunk with a menacing look on his face. He starts ranting about a fight with someone and hes going to get them. He starts threatening, if i dont do give him my phone he'll smash this or that. The outcome is one of my door frames is broken. And for me here comes that horrible feeling in my stomach, I all of a sudden feel exhaused, my face is so hot Im sure my blood pressure has risen. I then need to think about my 15yr old who is coming home from a friends soon. I call him and lie about the door, I say his brother fell into it, because i cant have him challenging his drunken brother as he is so much bigger than the younger son. Anyway, hes now sleeping on the couch but worry creeps in, what if trouble comes to my door from people he has fought with? and what if my son wakes him and he starts on him? I can't find my phone either so I feel vulnerable. I don't feel safe in my home with him. I need to get him to move out but tomorrow he will be so sorry and I end up waiting till the next time. But what about my 15yr old he has lived with these episodes too long. Enough is enough.
What a scary experience you are having right now. If it's any help to you, when I misplace things, I've learned to ask my HP to help me find the item(s). Within a short, short time I locate most things. The other things I figure I don't need. Maybe asking your HP to help you find your phone might help? If you can't find it, hopefully, your neighbors live close to you and you might ask if you could use their phone in an emergency since you can't find yours? I doubt your 15 year old will believe the door is broken because of a reason you've made up. I'm not sure that will help him feel safer? If I can't trust what an adult tells me in one area - I don't trust what they tell me in others and that is more scary to me than knowing the truth. As far as your 19 year old - if he wasn't your son how would you handle this? Right now - it doesn't sound like your son is in control. It sounds like his disease has the upper hand. You might want to employ what you'd do if the 19 year old were not your son in this situation? Whatever you choose to do, I'm sure it will be HP inspired if you ask for the guidance. I can certainly identify with the panic and fear you are experiencing right now. I also believe you are strong - you've raised two kids that I know about here - and that takes strength. You'll be able to handle this with your HP one minute at a time with courage, strength and wisdom.
El-Cee. 911 will get you the help that you fear is not available to you and the younger brother. He has broken
your property and made threats and that is enough to get you and anyone else protection. You are dealing now
with the enabling part of this disease which is our part to change. Stay fearful and do it anyway. That is how it
was demonstrated to me...and thus came the practice. Keep coming back.!!! ((((hugs))))
LC, you have been threatened and your property has been damaged, this is YOUR house and you have already told your son to leave. In the past I was threatened by my son. I called the troopers and told them that I felt threatened, when someone threatens you it is assault, and that is against the law. They didn't arrest him but they did come over and talked to him. Consequences were good because peace was once more restored because the officer was here, and also my son knew I meant business. Be strong LC and know that you deserve nothing but respect and honor as a mother. You have every right to protect yourself, your son and your home. In support Oldergal
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Thank you for your concern, sorry for sounding so dramatic, bit embartassing in the cold light of day. He fell asleep. Things are a bit more complicated, I've had him arrested before and I've felt so guilty. He has a record and is still on probation. I'm Actually sicker than I thought. Its times like these I hate my ex ah, he helped cause this and he doesn't care. Anyway, I know it's wrong lying to my son, I didn't want him to get hurt. Feeling sorry for myself this morning. What do I do?
If you want peace you know what to do. It's hard but you can't let him destroy you. That is what A's do. There is only one thing they want and they will take you down with them to get it. My son would and I love him dearly.
He loves you but he loves alcohol more. Don't you think it's just a matter of time before he himself volalates his probation. He will...
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
Get help for you and your 15yo and then you can help him if/when he is readly.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I never loved alcohol more than my family. I just never saw it as a competition. Alcohol had a firmer hold on me than my family. It had nothing to do with love.
I know as an outside observer it would appear that the alcoholic loves alcohol more than you, but that's really not the case.
That being said, detachment and boundaries involve doing what makes sense regardless of your feelings. When someone breaks the law and terrorizes your house, the police should be called....every time. He's on probation not because you have called the police and had him arrested - it's because of how he acts and what he does.
I can already tell you are having that "I made a big deal out of it" next day reaction. It is a big deal. He's only 19 and acts violent and out of control and gets seriously wasted on a regular basis.
LC - Reflect on what happens when you feel the guilt he should feel for his actions for him instead of him feeling it. You wrote that you had him arrested and felt so guilty after. That is a muddled picture due to the disease of addiction. The clearer one should be He got himself arrested for what he did and he should feel guilty about it.
In order for someone to recognize they need to change, that they have a problem, it helps to let them own their own behavior, their own consequences, and their own emotions.
I suspect there is left over baggage (and we all have baggage - so don't think I'm judging) that has you feeling guilty for him and viewing him as a victim instead of what he is turning into - a perpetrator. Of course you love him - but stop trying to save him.
Thanks again for your wise words. Cathy, you are right I do know what I need to do for my serenity and more importantly to protect my younger son. It is such a hard move to make and I have so much admiration for the Mother's on this site who have had the courage to do the right thing for their family. Pinkchip, how did you know that I would be thinking that? I was!! and you are spot on about the unresolved issues that keep me locked into this pattern. It goes way back and a long story short I have felt guilt since the day he was born and it all stems from my ex ah addiction to alcohol and my addiction to him. Anyway, I have always saved him from consequences, I think due to the fact that I can turn almost anything he does back on myself. I seem to have a very warped view of things when it comes to him and there it is! It's a vicious cycle, he behaves badly, I think its because Ive overprotected him which equals bad mother so therefore how can he be responsible so then I overprotect him from consequences and on and on it goes. Crazy!!!
On a positive note, I have been working my program for a while now and our relationship has been much healthier. I have tried hard not to enable and Im much better at it. I have hope that the future will be much better for my family. My son has so many lessons to learn, his HP has a path for him but I have stepped in and delayed his lessons but my HP is screaming at me to get out the road and I am, slowly, but I know that when I surrender completely everyone will benefit in the long run.
I have just finished work and I have told my son to get somewhere by the end of the week. I didnt jump in to try and guilt him or lecture him, I just told him in a calm way. Before alanon, I would have been going mad at him but I think all that did was let him feel 'poor me' I think I took away his guilt but now I know he needs to feel his own guilt. Thank you MIP people I was glad to have you last night.x
I too have the quilt of not having my son growing up. His father took him in the divorce and I didn't fight for him. From the age of 14 until he became a adult his father took care of him. I just paid child support. I never seen him much because his father would not let him come to AZ at the time. I also never went to court to fight...I didn't do anything. I'm learning to deal with the thoughts I abandoned my son.
I love my son dearly.....so much so I will Let Go and Let God now.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Cathy, I feel we are similar in many ways. Guilt is such a burden to carry. I love the Alanon saying 'I did the best that I could at the time.' When you let your son go with his Father, I bet you had thought it all through and came to the best decision at that time.
For me, my guilt stems from the fact that my ex ah and I had my daughter who is 22 when we were both young (20) and his drinking steadily got worse when I got pregnant with my eldest son 2 yrs later. My ex said he didn't want any more and he held a grudge for years saying I had taken his choice away and a lot of bs. I always felt that through his drunken haze he never showed much feelings towards our son. And so began the build up of guilt and me overcomponsating as a mother. I have been sick for years and guilt has been the hardest part to recover from. That horrible guilty feeling that its all my fault.
At least we have got our program now Cathy, we have a chance to have healthy relationships with our son's. I truly believe it is dependant on how we work our programmes and our contact with our HP.
that is so terrible. I think it is important to put the foot down. Document what was done. In fact it is a crime to destroy property. Use that as a leverage as a reason he must leave and keep to it. Of course you are going to have mixed emotions about this. I well understand the relief when an alcoholic is gone but the guilt about what could have been done. I no longer expect myself to be Mother Theresa. My needs come first, other needs come after. If my needs take precedence I do not have time to take care of others. For most of my life I lived the opposite way, my needs came last!
