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I wrote this on the AA board, but I know there are many struggling parents that worry about their adult children on this board and I figured I would share it here too. I don't know what you might gain from this (maybe some hope), but this it just one part of my experience in recovery:
For years and year I thought of my mom as being a thorn in my side and I have defined her as constantly critical and grating - Though at any given time I would always have told you I loved my mom despite these things. She would typically call me once a week and berate me telling me she worried about me when I didn't get in touch with her or she didn't know what I was up to. She would also constantly give me reminders that I needed to handle this or handle that. I though she was a horrible nag even though I loved her always.
So this week I noticed that I hadn't talked to my mom in about a month. She finally called me and left me a message about one of my nephews doing a school project where they have to write a letter to someone that lives far away or something and to look out for the letter coming from him and she says to call back.
I was expecting to get guilted for not calling for a month and to hear some criticism. What actually occured was a nice conversation about a variety of things including the cruise me and my partner just went on, work, what they've been up to.
Mom told me about a cousin who continues to struggle with drug addiction and my aunt (the mother of this cousin) whom she recently talked to and got all the gory details about how my cousin was stealing all their stuff and selling it for drugs etc....
Mom tells me "So I told her going to AA is one of the best things Mark ever did. It really works."
After I hung up, I was like "OMG! WTF!" Not only did she not criticize me, she just paid me major compliments or she paid AA major compliments - either or both of which I am pleased with. She is talking good things about me to family instead of the latest problem and drama. And furthermore, I looked back and realized we haven't had one of those conversations where she gives me backhanded criticisms and "nagging" for a really long time.
I know my mom. She worries. And when she worries she will tell you what is going on without tact. The fact that I was often plagued by her criticisms and experienced her negatively so much was not all her fault. She's just that way. It was me who GAVE HER REASONS to worry. I made bad relationship choices, bad financial choices, I had problems with bosses, and my life was fraught with drama that I didn't realize I brought on myself. In retrospect, I was basically functioning like a teenager that still requires strong parental guidance. Shockingly (not) that is the age that I started drinking. Imagine why that's where my maturity was at years later. Combine that with my mother's nature and there you have it....
The relationship has changed. Now I have enough clarity to know it's because I have grown up some and I don't give her so many reasons to worry about me. Among the numerous rewards AA has given me, this one is probably the best. All my parents ever wanted was for me to grow up, be happy, and not struggle. My alcoholism (and the soul sickness at the root of it) caused me to be perpetually emotionally stunted, unhappy, and struggling with the simplest things.
It feels so good to have conversations with my mom and they are now so enjoyable because I'm not the same person. We are two fully functioning adults. She doesn't have to worry any more. Her job was really not done until I grew up. AA help me grow up and that's the best thing that could have happened for me and my relationship with my mom. For this, I'm grateful.
My son has always told me he feels like he's still 16 and I can see he hasn't grown up. I didn't let him grow up. I also see reading your post what I thought was helping was really nagging. Boy did I nag.
Yes us moms worry ourselves sick wanting so much not to lose our sons or daughters.....but also we must realize we have to let them stand on their own two feet. It's so hard but we have to LET GO
Thank you for your post....it helps me realize what I have done and what I need to do.
It's so nice to hear a success story and you are one of many.....
((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
What a great share, Mark! I know my brother had a very similar relationship with my mom. Now that she's gone, I think he tends to look at how they related to each other in a different way, and can better appreciate that while the way she tried to communicate her message wasn't always the greatest, the message was always "I love you and I worry about you."
Hugs pink!! I love this share!!! Thank you for putting this out there and being willing to be so honest and open. Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
PinkChip This is so good. Re-assessing after some recovery under our belts. What a blessing (however hard-won it is) to see your mom in this new light. Thanks for explaining.
Great Share, thanks so much for taking your time and writing this share, this is much valued insight, you have given me some hope today. I look forward to someday having that same great mother and son conversation with my son. Oldergal
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
I love this share, I too can better communicate with my Mother who used to be my worst critic. This program has helped me to grow the relationships that could be salvaged and to let go of the ones that couldn't. Amazing how when you fix the relationship within yourself and show yourself the love you need, how it stabalizes the outside stuff as well. Always love to read your shares! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you for the insight, I'm/have been one of those worrying critical mom with my a/a daughter and grandson. Since I've been seriously working on "letting go and letting God" I'm keeping our interactions light and brief. I don't want to know what is going on with her life, we have a "don't ask, don't tell" relationship right now and it's working for both of us.
Gettingitright!!
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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
Wow! Ditto! Thank you for sharing. Made me stop and think... I've always been the mom.... to my mom, my brother, as well as my kids.... now the grandkids too.... you've helped to make me see is IS time to let it go. Let them grow up... quit being the nagging caregiver... let them fall and hopefully they will learn to pick themselves up...you are certainly a huge success story.... gonna push my little (big) bird outta the nest!! Too big to be here anymore!
How sad that your family is so mired in alcoholism.
I know my mother worried about me tremendously and know how I resented that so much. I also know that I was impulsive, self destructive and not able to take direction for years.
I am glad you have got to have a good relationship with your mother. That is a precious thing to have and not something everyone achieves.
