The material presented
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That old saying time is the healer of old wounds is just so very true. That doesn't say 5 min, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, a decade .. it just says time. That whole saying of sometimes quickly sometimes slowly, ... time does heal.
I was thinking today (rut oh here goes my binge thinking :)), seriously it's been almost a year now since he left. Court was Friday and it's a mess all over again. It constantly amazes me that STBAX truly doesn't believe any rules apply to him and he is so true to the special snow flake analogy I am constantly using. It's frustrating don't get me wrong. It hit me like a ton of bricks .. I can certainly sit here and be frustrated by it, obsess and think about how could he, if only, why does he, .. blah blah blah. The reality .. it doesn't matter .. he does what he doesn't do because .. (say it with me) .. he's an addict (that is a blank word fill it in with whatever is needed, drugs, alcohol, sex, whatever fits in the moment).
During this time I really thought I was special .. lol .. I guess you could say my own version of a special snowflake .. he only lied to me. He is only deceptive, secretive and so on, .. just to me. Wellll .. noooo .. that is not the truth .. the truth is this .. he (the disease) lies to me, his children, my atty, his atty, the judge, his mother, his s/mother, his brother/s, his extended family, his girlfriend (the one he left me for who he has FINALLY admitted he's with now, stupid stupid woman is all I can say) and the beat goes on. I do not know if he could tell the truth if a gun was literally being held to his head. Now .. he will speak the truth in one sentence forms if nothing else to hurt me. I do mean that arrow through the heart stuff. It's not about me wanting him back that it hurts, .. it's that I knew what I knew all along and he's just being a jerk because he has nothing left to hurt me with.
The denial alone about what is going on in his reality is mind blowing. I just continue to watch him with great interest. He really doesn't get it. He didn't listen or want to hear what was going on in court. He still doesn't want to hear what was actually said. Soooo .. a new contempt charge will be filed and he's buried himself further. His atty, .. LOL .. that man is a trip .. we have a very mutual understanding of dislike for each other. The completely ironic part of it all is his atty is now getting the real STBAX. This is the crazy person I had to deal with the diseased one, not the glossy I look nice and I'm a nice guy one. Well, .. that whole fiscad is just peeling away now. Now his atty is realizing how crazy STBAX is and just wants this done and it's not going to be that simple. What should have been extremely simple has now turned into a mess .. not because of me .. because in my STBAX's mind I complicate everything .. this is all his own doing to himself I just happen to be along for the ride .. and that is unfortunate. I have to own that I did something that was very smart .. there is a gray line between sleezy and smart and this was smart. I filed the taxes and moved the money into a whole other account which then went to my atty. He is furious to say the least and that's part of why he won't file taxes. He is really putting himself in a bad place because he was informed by the judge this would happen. He was asked if he understood what he was suppose to do and he said yes. This also includes the direct pay he is suppose to do. He's in a bad way as he's only been working a week here and there I guess his health must not be good and he's not getting paid. I hate to sound like this .. that's not my issue the money is due regardless of what is going on with him. I have so little compassion for him at the moment. He hasn't paid a dime since 12/28 and it will be a month come 9 days. I will probably not get any money until the following pay period. The genuis part of this is he now has to provide the court with a paystub every two weeks and any OT he works he has to direct pay me 28%. He is very much NOT happy about this. That order came directly from his own atty realizing that he is such a liar that even his atty can't trust him to be honest.
We had a little interchange today. The good news is that I withdrew from the conversation before making to much of a jerk out of myself and he continued on. At least I guess I can finally say he admitted what I already knew he's still with his Stupid Stupid wHore (her initials). His are Just an addicted Man Behaving badly. It was the best and cleanest I could come up with .. lol. Anyway, it hurt. I know he did it because it is his last attempt at control and to put me in my place. I had already told him I was done with the conversation and he would hear from his atty. I'm kind of thinking he's starting to believe me when I say specific things as there is no more playing around for me. I'm pretty well done. He can go to jail. He can reap these consequences it's not like he's paying me anyway. I'm just pretty much done and over all this crap.
I do sting a bit. You know it's soooo much better than it was a year ago. This time last year I wouldn't have said that at all. I don't think Jan 2010 was better than Jan 2011. I had just started Alanon in Dec 2010, I was still in a lot of pain, anger and frustration. At least in Jan 2013 it's healing. It really takes a lot of time. I know now I can be gentle with myself. I'm not perfect. I also known I deserve to be treated with respect and I can treat others with respect. Some others just take more effort .. oi .. I'm still working hard on that one.
The kids just want their dad to pay attention to them and he can't do that at all. My poor girl .. she is a mini me and that's not all bad because she has good qualities that are hers and hers alone .. she is like me in the sense that she asks really hard pointed questions. She doesn't understand and they are appropriate questions as well. My son is just like .. going along and if there are no games and movies .. honestly he doesn't want to be there. Their dad has created this situation himself.
Anyway, I lost my point .. LOL .. I think it is that it takes time and sometimes with different situations it takes more time. I know I'm better than I was and I know that I'm going to be ok. I can get better and make different choices. The kids are going to be ok as well .. they so get it. They see what he's doing and not doing and they know these are his choices.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I am so glad you decided to keep it short, haha! I hear lots of growth and acceptance, these are hard lessons and it takes lots of time like you said to come out of the denial and after that awareness comes acceptance which can be even harder and then the action to follow. It has been an emotional journey for you for sure. You seem to be taking it in stride. I am so glad you can come here and be vulerable and open. I am sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
My exah has been through 3 (more if you count casual sex) women in 5 months. Wanted our child to call the last one mom after 2 weeks...they have all been addicts. Serious alcoholic, pill popping addicts. Anytime I'd have to meet them (run ins at socials events) the two I met - stood 3 feet away and turned theirs backs on me. We had this whole mutual respect with new people in our lives talk but that went out the window when he moved out. I wasn't happy meeting these people unprepared, but with my child there, smiled and prepared to at least say hi. No introductions - just backs. Addicts. All whacky! I can only imagine what he tells them. Oh well, water under the bridge now. He has no visitation and isn't seeking to reinstate it. Our child was always a burden to him, a nuisance, a block in the way of what he wanted to do. At least he pays the support. I don't think he liked the first contempt charge he got along with the threat to pull his occupational license next time. So, for now I am blessed on a certain level to not have to deal with him or the crazy girlfriends and for that I am grateful! Gives my daughter and I a little space to work on healing and processing things.
My child is old enough to make some decisions. She is very angry right now. He hasn't called her in over a month. He's sent two cards via child support (bi-weekly) and she reads them and tosses them. I offered for her to write a short note as a way to keep in touch but last night she said...if I contact him he will never get better. Something to talk about...thankful for her therapist!
Well, as you see...you aren't alone! Just do your best to keep your chin up! One day at a time...there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm really struggling to accept his thought process that the rules don't apply to him. LOL .. you better believe they apply to me with that tax money .. however not to him in terms of paying support. I have to accept that he doesn't think like I do.
Thankfully, he's not introducing the kids to his "friends". They actually have told him flat out that at this point they come to see him not spend time with his "friends" he has listened if nothing else because he knows they won't go back over if that happens. The other factor is .. like it or not .. we are still married and I'm finding at least in the good old Midwest that still stands for the most part. That was one of the funniest scenes ever .. LOL .. him being told we are still married. I know he's dying for me to get my own "friend" so he can use that as an excuse to introduce his "friends" into the picture. Well, he is fully aware now I'm only concerned about healing myself without the complication of jumping straight into another relationship. He's pushed, shoved been such a jerk .. I am really choosing not to respond. LOL .. unlike him who literally can't be alone. I'm so grateful that I have my moments where I enjoy just that although I will isolate and not even realize I'm doing it.
Anyway, I just want the money stuff to be resolved and I can plan something at this point. It IS a good feeling to know I'm not alone. I'm so grateful to share with others who have gone through similar things.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
There is always so much stuff that you share Pushka that resonates in my life, we could be married to a guy from the same mould! Its insane how much they think the rules don't apply to them - how self-rightiously he can claim how wrong someone else's behavior is while ignoring the outrageousness of his own! The outright lies are hard to wrap my head around; the times he swears he doesn't lie, then turns around and says, "well, I'll just lie to him", like its coming in the same breath from both sides of his mouth.
Mine tried to talk me into filing taxes with him even though we were divorced; said then I'd get the tax money and could apply it to the bike payment he hasn't been making. I declined his offer because what he really wanted was to get his hands on my Earned Income Credit! I know he woulda been calling and threatening to contact the District Attorney if I refused to give him his half of the tax return - past experience helps to see that! The ONLY reason we had a tax return the years we were married is because of my kid and the EIC, and he skillfully engineered a blowout fight so he could storm out, demand his half, and spend it his way.
And, like yours, mine continues to spiral downward sorry to say. But for what it is worth dear - your shares have always helped me - thanks!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
For me the tax situation works completely in my favor while I get the earned income credit I have to pay taxes on the support I receive (not child support the alimony). This is all going to my atty and if the atty's can't come to a decision on how to break things down then we will go to court and a judge will decide. Obviously I can't claim that when we file joint. It will be a very good size income coming back because of his lack of deductions.
He is fully in Mr Crazy Pants mode. I will no longer respond. I did get sucked in on Saturday, it's ok .. it didn't last as long as it normally does AND I was very clear with him that while he thinks I won't file contempt charges .. YES I will. He has flipped another switch and we are back to the behavior in July/August. It's interesting the disease is bargning with me now. See what a good guy I can be mode. Noooo .. lol .. that's Mr CP. He's very scared I'm sure and is starting to see that the color he's painted his corner is clashing with his outfit. He doesn't like it at all.
Now this is 2 hours after he's woken my daughter up to find out what "shift" I work, because he likes to show up 30 min early at EVERY drop off and I let him know that the agreed time was 8am not 730am, I would not be home at that hour .. LOL .. he literally couldn't stand it. He woke that child up to find out from her what shift I work. I laughed because I work an office job M - F and in his mind WHY wouldn't I be home Sunday morning??? That is not possible right? UGH!! LOL! I swear that made my day!! Sad I know ... WOW .. I thought I had control issues .. LOL!!
I have NO doubt we could have married twins they just happen to both be the "evil" one .. lol. It is amazing to me to listen to the universal language of addiction. There are key phrases they all use, there are key behaviors they all do. I realize the same can be said for this side of the coin. It's amazing to watch play out and know .. yup .. saw that coming.
It's the same for me sister, .. i read and I think really? How can the same person be cloned in so many different ways??
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Yes - you can expect them to continue to spiral downward. Why would they spiral upward? Did your ex(es) suddenly start going to AA? Did he (they) go to rehab? Admit any problems at all? NO.
Therefore, the hardware store will remain a hardware store and it will keep turning out lots of hardware day in and day out (regardless of all those in need of bread lol).
