The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I felt like posting everyday, every hour...so much has been going on since I last posted on Christmas, 1 week after by ABF relapse.
so ABF has become Ex ABF...at least in MY life. He doesn't want to see it happen. I went away to my home for 2 weeks, the physical distance in this situation has done me GOOD. Detachment sure isn't easy, and seperating from an A is 100 times more complicated than from a healthy human being. well i didn't know that. But due to thousands of kilometers of distance put between us and the difficulty to communicate, I thought I could take the time to mourn about this seperation, take time for myself, and do me good. It kind of worked. yes, i admit I missed him, the healthy picture I still had of him, and it wasn't all easy. What struck me was that I couldn't let the tears out. The last time i had been with him, he tried to hit me. So I was mainly filled with fear. Nightmares began, I thought at times, I couldn't go back to my country of choice, because I really didn't feel safe being geographically near him. The manipulative talks and powers of his disease are scary as hell. he had me convinced more than once that I was the sick one in this relationship. I felt so small, but still fighting against selfpity.which I am proud of. anyway, i came back after 2 weeks. And we met for 2 hours in a public place, to talk about the past events that have had us shocked , apparently both of us. And he said taht he had admitted to himself that it all happened due to alcohol, the anger, the fight, the hate, the anxiety... that i had never been at fault. Well that was what I wanted to hear, wasn't it. I thought i had a glimpse of the man I thought he could be sitting in front of me. the caring , humble one. Well I am naive, you see. i thought i knew better. well guess what?
the day after i had to leave for a working meeting for a longer period of time, tried to call him in my oh-so-holy-supportive way...he didn't pick up. Back came an sms saying that he had had it with me, that he is sick of my sick thoughts and depressed ways of talking, that now he wants a real breakup (whereas we already REALLY broke up 2 weeks before, but I didn't ACT upon it) he knows I am emotiolly more dependent on him, that i take the blame, that I am a helper, and if I see my help is not doing any good, well that i'm destroyed.
a day later he calls me like 10 times, then I finally pick up the phone (WHY? if I know he just wants to dump garbage on me??...i'm serioulsy sick myself, you see...my guilt, my impression of letting him down when he is suffering...) well I get the 'you are a f-word b-word....then I hang up and i get the sms, fully loaded you could say:'that Im a manipulative, judgemental, selfish f-word b-word...that I don't deserve to be loved by anyone, especially not by him who is so loving, that I will never be happy living like this'
don't get me wrong here, I'm not writing this post in self-pity, nor to get acknoledged my wrong doings...i know I constantly try to do right, but end up doing wrong. I am currently my worst friend... and I'm in withdrawal of HIM. and i cannot judge my own feelings anymore. I don't know what to do and not to do...anyway is wrong...with an A. I know that.
but i also feel lonely, And not been listened to, and not been cared for. I have wounds, and I am not giving myself time to lick them myself. I need healing, but how can i do that when I'm not even trusting myself anymore with my emotions.
I have nightmares, I feel scared. After that message he called me crying, suicidal. Another load of fear. It's like I can't help it, picking up that phone. Right now I feel like somebody please put me handcuffs and put me in a room cut of from the world for a month or so, force me into meditation so i FINALLY LET GO.
i did so well the 2 weeks, I could feel my energy rising, my joy for life...I could feel love.
he said he would go to his first AA meeting last Wednesday. Well of course he didn't, saying 'it's not about AA, it's about you being depressed' he says i should stop reading the things I read, it wouldn't do me any good. I told him about Al Anon, and he laughs about it jokingly. Sure, his disease hates me for all of this... i guess I'm a reminder of a glimpse of reality shining through. but honestly, there are days, where I'm struggling for my own sanity.
Nowadays I'm reading a lot in 'Getting them Sober Vol 2' and it talks about how a partner is better off staying away in early recovery, because moods of the A get too much intense and noone is capable of taking this while going down at the same time.
I get the meaning now.
out of focus these days, back into obsession and fear....but not giving up. Thanks for letting me share.
My exah never fails to paint me as the sole root of all his trouble. He chooses to drink and drive, take our child to bars and party with her - thus losing visitation and that is my fault. He is angry with me because of the divorce and it's my fault. I'm a big *B* and trying to control him. I need to just leave him alone. I need to mind my business. You name it, it's been my fault. Well, after 23 years together and a good solid 2 of therapy I realized how sick the marriage was, he was, our family was and I had to end it. He did not want to become healthy and I couldn't continue living this way.
Am I angry? Hell yes! Do I feel like I failed some days? Hell yes! Do I wish things were different and our family was intact? Hell yes! Do I realize that I am on the path to a healthier lifestyle and better example for my daughter? ABSOLUTLEY! I always put him above me and my needs and I am ready to focus on me.
It's not an easy place to be in. But I am doing it! So, if nothing else take strength out of this. That it's okay to focus on you, to want to be healthy and to make the decisions that will ultimately get you there.
Hugs t, I don't know if you have read the getting them sober vol 4. That is about breaking up. It might help you put a few more things into perspective. I highly encourage you to be nice and gentle to yourself. I sooooo get where you are at and how easy it is to beat yourself up. You are doing a great job at leaving his stuff with him. The only part I own is just mine. Whatever stbax has done not my issue. Continue to read and reach out, it is going to take time. Hugs p:)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
