The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I honestly feel that my relationship with this man is over. Truth be told it has been over for many years. I no longer want to be in this relationship. I want to stand on my own two feet and distance myself from this madness. My only concern is for my young son. He threatens to take my son. It breaks my heart every time. I am so scared he will actually do it. We are not married. I know my next step is to see an attorney but I am so scared of what will happen after he finds out I do this. I feel sick to my stomach every day. I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm glad you are here. If there is a chance he will behave irrationally or violently or illegally (which it sounds like there is), you may need an escape plan. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is at http://www.thehotline.org/, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Here is the page on getting ready to leave: http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/safety-planning/. There are many helpful ideas on that page.
Nothing is more important than keeping you and your child safe. Please take very good care of yourself.
Thank you for the information. We are not physically abused, just emotioanlly abused. Not that it really matter I guess. Also I cannot find a local in person alanon group. I know I am not crazy but I sure feel crazy sometimes.
While I can't tell you what to do in your situation because we each have to make our own decisions and each of us have different situations, I can say that you need to do what is best for you.
You are capable of meeting with an attorney, with out him knowing, and finding out your options. When I left my kids father, AH number 1, I documented what was going on and kept a journal so that when we went thru the divorce process I would not have a fear that he would take my kids. My experience was to get a custody order in place immediately to ensure my protection of the kids. A girlfriend of mine, she did not file a custody order, her son went to dads house for the weekend, he did not return child. No order in place so law enforcement said the child did not have to go back. Whom ever had the child kept the child. That was 14 years ago and the child still lives with the father. I filed a custody order prior to telling him, he was then served with the paperwork while I was at my parents house. He had 20 days to respond to the divorce papers/custody orders and did not respond to any of it. What I wished I knew then that I do now is that since he failed to file anything about what he wanted, he had no say and what ever I wanted would go. If I had known that, I would have filed a custody order stating that I got all tax deductions, he does not pay child support anyways and would have said the other visitations would be arranged by me based upon what worked the best for my schedule as well as the kids would not have to go to his house if they did not want to. The first time he said he was not going to return the kids the police told him that he had to as it was a court order and if he did not agree with it he would have to return the kids that day and go to court the following day. He never once filed for custody. It would take too much work. In the 13 years we have been divorced, he has never filed a thing, to get out of child support or to try to take the kids. He has threatened it, but never done it.
Another friend of mine used a court ordered person to assess the parenting situation because the father wanted custody. She kept her documentation of what occurred, all phone calls, dates and times and the basics of the conversation, as well as documentation of his drugs and the courts ordered her custody. Obviously each state is different and each situation is different, but they do understand the need to protect kids. I have worked in law enforcement for 12 years now and trust the system to do what is right by children.
Good luck and do what you need to keep yourself safe and happy.
Thank you for the information. We are not physically abused, just emotioanlly abused. Not that it really matter I guess. Also I cannot find a local in person alanon group. I know I am not crazy but I sure feel crazy sometimes.
Yes it does matter. In my case, I put up with emotional abuse for 22 years, before I just got sick of it and expected better for myself and our children. I have four children with my husband, 3 who are over 18 now. But there is still a 13 year old, and we are still married a little while longer. He still threatens to take her all the time, and legally there is nothing to prevent him from doing so. I just try to get him past what ever snit he is having at the moment, and show him I am trying to work with him. He isn't a bad father really. This whole thing right now works a lot better between us, when we try to show each other a little trust and respect, which was totally lacking our whole marriage. He has been out of my house for 3 years. Life is still so much better without living in close proximity to his emotional abuse. It's still there, but I have a boyfriend who helps me through it. He takes the 13 year old and our new grandson that lives with me (from our oldest child), every other weekend. Right now I just have to trust that he will bring them back on Sunday. There has been times when he has threatened and I really didn't think he would. Stay strong, get the legal help as soon as possible.
