A little history to help you understand where I'm at: My husband was not an everyday-drinker-type alcoholic. He mostly got drunk when away from home, traveling for business. When we would talk on the phone at night while he was away, I could tell he was drunk and accuse him of it, which yielded him lying to me and denying it. He was insecure about a number of things at the time and it didn't help that I still relied on my parents too much, who talked down to him. I often took their side on things and spent summers at their summer house with my kids, leaving my husband at home. He was traveling so often anyway and he would come on weekends. He was very lonely, though, and would drink in those situations, too. He begged me each year to stay home for the summer, but I was too afraid of disappointing my parents and so I went back to the beach house. When my husband came for the weekends, my mother was often belittling to my husband. We went to counseling and I began to work on my issues with my parents. I have learned to stand up to them more and we have a very close relationship now. They are even much kinder to my husband now. But before it got to that period, My husband crashed his car while on a business trip out of state. Luckily no one was hurt...he just ran off the road. This was 2 hours after we got off the phone call in which he reassured me that he was staying in and he would "never do anytimg to jeapordize the family." well, instead he went to some bar, drank and ran off the road and got arrested. This was his rock bottom. I'll never forgwt that night, lying on my bathroom floor so as not to wake the kids, crying on the phone. He came home the next day and began going to AA. He has been sober since (2 and a 1/2 years). A few months after the accident, we moved and the change has been good for us. My husband got a new job in which he is highly regarded and is fulfilled. So everything has been wonderful, except he still has to travel. Our marriage is stronger, our relationship with my parents is 100 times better, and my husband has worked very hard on building his self-esteem. He is a changed man. (even when he was drinking and lying about it, he was never violent or mean...just not trustful or dependable). He has always been a loving, thoughtful, and helpful father and husband. Here's the problem. When he travels for work now, I still have anxiety. He has tried to help me through this by keeping constant communication while away. He calls me about once an hour or two to update me on his doings and to reassure me he isn't doing anything he shouldn't be. But because there is such a long history (about 10 years) of his traveling, drinking, and then lying about it, I still freak out. I hang on to every word in the phone call to see if there is anything "off" about him. In the past two and a half years, there was one night when he took an ambien his boss gave him because he has a hard time sleeping in hotels. I could tell something was up in his voice. He kept denying it. I kept pushing for the truth, even stressing to him that I would not be mad if he had a drink...but I will be mad if he lies about it. Eventually after about an hour of me reassuring him I just wanted to help him and I wouldn't be mad, he told me about the ambien. That incident brought back all the feelings of the past of being lied to. He has to go away next week and I'm so afraid.I can't stand the nights. I listen to his every word on the phone calls to see if he's been "up to anything.". I get stomach cramps, teeth chattering, rapid heartbeat, and I have to try to act and function normally in front of my kids. Please Help!

Here's something else that might help.  If he were to start drinking again, you wouldn't have to snoop and ferret it out.  When they're alcoholics, they can't keep their drinking under control, which means they can't keep it under wraps.  If he were to start drinking again, you would know soon enough without any need for worrying or snooping on your part. It would be all too apparent.  So you don't have to think (as I did for a time) that if you don't worry and analyze, you'll miss it.  If it's there you won't miss it.  The drinking and/or the consequences will not stay hidden.

But Al-Anon has a saying, "He's going to do what he's going to do -- what are you going to do?"  Focusing on your own serenity and recovery will keep you healthy no matter what life should throw at you.  I hope you have found a meeting?

Mattie, your reply helped but I think the main reason I worry is because part of me wonders if he was truly an alcoholic or just a problem drinker since he would spend weeks at home not drinking but then drink when he traveled. I worry that deep down he feels this way too and so has figured out that he can enjoy one beer when away and I won't ever find out. So in that case it won't get to a point where I'll know he'd been drinking and "won't hv to ferret it out." But I'll still be being lied to. Do u understand?

Such great advice Mattie. I really like what u had to say but one thing still sits in the back of my mind: if he he only has a drink and it never turns into anything else, then, as u pointed out, it's not really an issue. However for me it still is because if he didn't disclose it to me - then the problem would be that he is lying. I guess bottom line... I want to trust. I feel I can't relax until I have absolute proof that I can trust him when he is away. That's why I hang on evety word when he is away , searching for that trust. When he is home, he works from the house. I see him all the time and there is never any indication of him drinking. After two years So when he is home, I have trust. I never even wonder if he's drinking anymore. I am completely relaxed and our life is good. I want that same feeling when he travels.