The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I too used sarcasm as a form of communications and joking prior to alanon. It was a tool or weapon I honed very carefully in my Alcoholic home. The remark that "You are too sensitive" is one I used myself when practicing my "humor" around friends and family.
The ODAT on Page 114 states:
"Among the many weapons we use to castigate people is sarcasm. Repugnant as it is in itself it becomes even more distasteful when we consider that the word comes from the Greek word "To Tear Flesh" . It is a form of irony in which the speaker is motivated by scorn."
Thought for the Day
I will make an effort to gentleness with firmness to add a note of harmony in my relations with others instead of tearing and destroying.
Having read this passage as well as page 255, I was entirely ready to have this defect removed. HP has helped in the process and today I do see sarcasm as a destructive weapon and will not participate in it. If anyone uses it I will validate my beliefs and not engage. I insist on being treated with courtesy and respect at all times. Sarcasm is not respectful nor courteous. Stick to your boundary
Good Luck
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 18th of January 2013 07:58:20 PM
My AH is the king of sarcasm and joking. He accuses me of being too sensitive and taking things too personally, but I feel that his remarks are cutting, mean, and unnecessary. He says it's his way of having fun. Umm, that's what he said about the drinking, too, ugh. Anyway, without going into a long story I wanted to find out what everyone's take was on handling sarcasm and jokes that poke fun. It's hard to draw the line on what is really funny for me, and then to figure out what is not funny. For me, I've lived my life without sarcasm and I enjoy it quite well so why is sarcasm necessary to have 'fun'. Ah is resentful that he can't be 'himself' around me because I am too sensitive. I see it as an excuse to avoid change and moving towards positive behavior and taking responsibility for himself. I don't say these things directly, though, but in my mind I guess I see it as part of his smoke screen to cover up for his own self esteem issues and inflated ego(can those go hand in hand, LOL?).
I am a sarcastic person by nature. Your post has made me think about that...something to discuss in therapy. Is it truly sarcasm or my mechanism at dealing with stuff in a dark and unhealthy way? Thank you for the food for thought. Something to consider about myself. Not that it helps answer your pondering thoughts but interesting viewpoint on it.
When I was young I had a lot of friends who would talk in sarcasm and cutting remarks. I'd be hurt a lot and try to hide it because it wasn't "cool." Eventually I started wondering why people couldn't just be nicer. All the sarcasm meant that no one dared admit they were scared, sad, or vulnerable. They'd get raked over the coals if they admitted any of that. It was unsupportive to say the least. A friend finally confided to me that she worried that I would turn my sarcasm on her. That was what led me to reexamine the way I had learned to behave. Now I kind of wonder what's fun about it. In some ways, insecure people use sarcasm and teasing as a way to be closer to other people without being vulnerable. But I think it backfires and makes everyone feel less safe. In other cases, I think angry people use it as a way to express anger but not be accountable for it. "What, you can't take a joke?" Or they feel contempt for pretty much everyone, and that's how they express it. These days when I'm around someone like that I shut down and protect myself, and I feel a lot of relief when I'm back with people who won't needle me. Anyway, that's my take on it.
I echo Betty's post. I also read the Al Anon passage on scarcasm when I came into the program and realized I used this as a defense mechanism as well. And I was good, very good and quick with dishing it out. As they say, .....I came to believe and also asked for a removal of this defect of character. Think you hit it right on the head with your statement that he is using it as a defense mechanism, by putting down others he is rising above everyone else. Don't rise up to meet him at his level. A"s love to engage. Stay true to yourself. You have your program; you got this......
What the others said. Your post really hit home with me, because my ex used to do that very thing. Cut me down and then say things like "Oh, lighten up".
Well, there is a book out there about abuse in relationships-- forgot what it's called, as this was 12 years ago. Might have been by that TV guy Dr. Phil. There was a workbook to go along with it. Turns out that this very kind of way of acting towards someone (cutting them and then telling them they're too sensitive) is a form of verbal abuse. It's abusive! And because they're so light hearted about it and turn it around on us, it's easy for them (and us) to not see it as being abusive. But it is.
Let's see if I can find the book...I think it's this one: http://www.amazon.com/Relationship-Rescue-Seven-Step-Strategy-Reconnecting/dp/0786891106/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1358696298&sr=8-7&keywords=dr.+phil+books and the workbook that goes with it.
Good luck. You don't have to take this nonsense from him. You are worth much more.
I have many friends who's nature is to cut up, sarcastically calling people out on things they notice and when I am with them, I can let loose as much as they do and no one gets their feelings hurt. I reserve my sarcasm for only those who I've determined can take it because I am sensitive to the "I'm only joking" type of people who take verbal jabs at you and then innocently claim to be just having fun. As my daughter and I discuss quite frequently because her father is a verbal jabber who is "only trying to have fun, can't you take a joke" type of person - it is fun if all involved are having fun. It ISN'T fun if someone is getting hurt. If you are going to use sarcasm, you have to remember it has the potential to be a weapon with the ability to hurt so must be used with temperance and wisdom.
My skin has grown thicker, I no longer think that everyone who says something that sounds mean, means it to be personally mean. The other day a guy I don't know well yet smarted off about something I said and I fired right back at him and everybody laughed.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Ilovedogs said 'self esteem issues and inflated ego(can those go hand in hand, LOL?)'.
One of the highest forms of inflated ego is narcissism and that is absolutely based on very low self esteem so yes, in my opinion, the two are very closely linked
If sarcasm hurts it is not a good joke and the perpetrator should feel as dumb and embarrassed about it as if they had made a very bad chicken crossing the road joke - it just ain't funny. I have had great fun working with some of the most fabulously sarcastic people in the world and whilst their tongues could be very sharp indeed they have always balanced their words with a huge amount of love and a giant hug if things ever went to far.
