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Everyday starts another journey for me. I am currently separated from my AH, but not by my choice that is something he chose. It continues to break my heart...today it feels like a mack truck ran it over. As I continue to work my program with 4 f2f meetings a week, daily reading, and visiting MIP multiple times a day, I keep losing site of the possibility of serenity.
Our newest struggle is my AH is fighting with me about wanting me to trust him with doing whatever he wants with our children and wants to put them around others that put my children in harms way not long ago. He says I'm being controlling just like I always have been. I could be wrong, but as a mother I believe it is my job to protect my children from harm. When my AH drove drunk with 3 of our children and hit a telephone pole, I vowed to myself I would NEVER allow the possibility of such things to happen again. Then my AH and his friend lied to me saying that my AH hadn't been drinking, but then my AH drove drunk with 3 of my children again. I thank God over and over again that nothing happened that time. Now that my AH is sober...yet not in recovery because if he has something better to do he won't go to a meeting...he expects me to trust him. HOW?!?!?!?!
I understand where you are as I've been there with my sister. Not sure this will help but just my two cents...
The problem with alcoholics and addicts whether they are sober or not is that they don't like facing reality. They used substances to escape the real world strife. Without their substances (i.e. crutch), they must face where they currently are - and usually that is not good. My sister stopped her crutch and had to face her debt from years of overspending and personal financial neglect, guilt of things she did in problem, homelessness, loneliness (good friends gone long ago to avoid being around drugs) and lost trust from family that remembered her betrayals. She, like your AH. doesn't want to live the consequences of the bad actions. That is the self centered nature of their mind. It is about them. Well guess what? That's life. The world is not about them. And they can whine all they want but you are right in standing firm until you are ready to change. He needs to respect that.
Recognize his tantrum and "you're controlling" for what it is - manipulation to get his way. If he was in recovery this would get addressed there. Don't back down. "No" is a full sentence. If he doesn't like it, tough. You have your needs and rights too. He made his bad choices and your loss of trust is the result. Ignore it. Don't give in.
Will they always be self centered? Can they get better? i believe so. My sister (alcoholic and addict) had the same tantrums and same "you're controlling" every time she didn't get her way. They persisted and even seemed to get worse when she first got clean and sober. Her being committed to recovery and me doing Al Anon has changed that. There are still some moments but they are rare. And she catches herself. Should he go in recovery and work his program this will improve. Trust me: there is a difference in being clean and being in recovery. Of course he must find his path.
My advice is stay strong. Work YOUR program. Set realistic boundaries (I.e. ones you can keep). Communicate them to him. And communicate the consequence. For instance if he starts yelling then tell him you will talk to him only when he calms down. Then leave room or hang up. He might try the "you're controlling" manipulation but don't let that phase you. Boundaries are different from controlling. Boundaries are done to protect YOU and for YOUR well being. If you find you are doing something for tbr reason to change HIS behavior then it is controlling and not a boundary.
Addicts and alcoholics will push the boundary. Don't bend. Modifying or getting rid of boundary will only make things worse.
In alanon, it always keeps coming back to you. Essentially you are upset that a person that doesn't deserve trust is demanding you trust him right? Say that a few times and listen to how it sounds. A person that doesn't deserve trust is demanding you trust him. And it's upsetting you that he is doing it and that you don't trust him?
An alcoholic/addict will get into a screaming match with you and yell at you "The sky is red!!" and when you say "Um no, it's blue", they will yell at you and say you are controlling.
Recognize insanity - detach. Trust your instincts and your HP. I'm guessing it's that you still care about him so much that causes you to question yourself. I know it's not easy.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 18th of January 2013 08:54:35 AM
Ranger, Hotrod, and Pinkchip thank you so very much for your responses. I know in my heart protecting my children is the right thing to do, but then I question myself about the whole trust thing. Does trying to trust him in small increments teach him a responsibility that he never had before? After 18 years of so much broken trust, I know I will take a while to be able to trust him ever again. He swears up and down how he would never do that again and how it haunts him daily on how he could have killed our children. As twisted as it sounds, I'm glad it haunts him. I feel that is the only way he will be able to regret his crazy actions. I would love for him to have a better relationship with our 5 children but that is on him and not my problem. The only thing I wonder is the boundaries that I have put in place...could they hinder the healing of our family?
Actions speak louder than words. If AH isn't attending meeting than he may be not drinking but also not learning the new behaviors and coping skills that are healthy and meant to replace Alcoholic behaviors. Children have to come first, their protection has to come first and if that looks like controlling behavior to him than so be it. Someone has to make the rational decisions. One of my earliest memories is being in the car while my father was driving drunk. Seat belts weren't a common thing back then and I was thrown all around the car due to his inability to drive straight. He didn't hit anything thankfully but it was a very scary experience for a child. Personally I have to do Step 1, 2 & 3 every morning to keep on track. 4 yrs into the program and it still doesn't come naturally for me. I have to be vigilante about my program and if I slip I can pick myself up and start over. My son got caught up in drugs as a teenager and we have been living a nightmare the last 8 yrs. Thankfully when he was a minor we didn't sign for him to get a driver's license and now in his 20's he still doesn't have one because he gets picked up for public intox's. Probably the smartest thing we did as parents. He doesn't drink, hallucinogens are his drug of choice, just thinking of him behind the wheel of a car, not yet having found recovery I would be a total mess. It took us a very long time even working the program as hard as possible to start making hard decision's, stop enabling and letting him feel the consequences of his behavior. But yep he can still get me when my guard is down and I will end up enabling until I see the lie. Talk is cheap, A's are great liars and manipulators. They have to be it's the nature of the disease. Trust your gut, trust what you see not what you hear and always put the best interest of the children first. Prayers your way Blessings
Thank you xeno59. Many of the things you said are racing through my head. One of the things that most affected me was about their actions...and I know actions speak louder than words but my AH's actions contradict everything he says. As I said earlier we are separated by his choice. He tells me to move on yet has almost all the actions of a normal spouse. I have tried to make this easier by telling him we don't have to interact at all and he gets upset. I have asked him if he plans to further the separation. He responds the only way to do that is divorce and got all upset. He tells me he wants to just be able to see our kids as much as possible but he shows up at my house after they are in bed and stays for 3 hours. Absolutely NONE of this makes sense to me!!!!
