The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a Very Grateful Member of Al Anon Member for four years, nearly five... I have learnt so much in Al-Anon and with the help of the wonderful groups and a fabulous life coach, I have learnt so much and come through so much. As I have gotten much better myself, I am now becoming more and more concerned with how my 13 year old son has been impacted. I have shared custody with my Ex who, if not an Alcoholic, is certainly riddled with the ISM's as am I. The problem is I have to let go and this is so, so hard to do...What is let go and what is irresponsible parenting?...What is discipline and what is Controlling? At the beginning of the Seperation things were dreadful, and I had to seperate my son from his father for a while ( I did this with my sons permission) but as time went on things settled, and now my son spends alot of time with his Dad and comes home seemingly happy and having had a good time. Me, on the other hand, he does not have such a good time with...There appears to be little or no boundaries with Dad, he stays up all night...He gets to do what he wants all the time, which is usually hours and hours and hours of gaming on the computer. He does virtually no excercise and comes home not having had a shower for days...So when he is with me, I insist on him showering, nag him to walk with me just to get some kind of exercise, try to feed him healthier foods...My anxiety about his health and well being is through the roof. I feel like I am failing as a Mother and worse that the world ( or maybe my Mum) will see me as a failure as a Mother...I have even had friends point out their concern for his health. I get so desperate and disturbed that I am sometimes driven to tears with it all. I am so afraid for my son and his future - none of this is even close to what I planned for him. And because I am so anxious, I fall into the trap of nagging, controlling and we constantly spar and bump heads sometimes escalating into fighting...I am so confused again about What is the difference between Control and Discipline? knowing full well that kids sometimes need to be pushed to do the right thing...And what is the difference between letting go and irresponsibility on my part?...If anyone has any thoughts I would welcome them whole heartedly...
I am right there with you on these thouhts you keep concerning your son, I have them too most all the time, I think we have to get to a point where, we understand that the things we are doing for them they could and should be doing for themselves, I know I am too quick to pick my son up when he falls and I am trying to see that as my problem, also these children are very clever and manipulative, they know which parent to go to for their wants and needs, we do teach them how to treat us, having said that it's never too late for us to change, the first time we say no and probably the second and third they will fight us hard, guilt us, and I know I will beat myself up terribly during this these times to the point of deep derpression and my own insecurities, right now I have put my son out of our house because his choices and lifestyle are wrecking my life and health, I think I am a fair person and think the boundaries I have are not unreasonable considering the problems we have faced with him in the past, I feel alot of the kids now live in a blame culture, if I am truly the cause of all my sons problems he should be quite happy now that I am not snapping at his heals, his choices are his own at this moment in time and so too are the consequences.
Your son is at a tender age hes growing up, lots going on, your a loving mother, I could of written this post, (((((hugs))) thinking of you.
Thankyou so much for your kind response! I hope we never get to the point where things get so bad that I have to throw him out...I received some wise words today. One day at a time, deal with things as they come up one thing at a time...I also had a peaceful day today and was able to remember that there is great love between us.
Hi, I am also a grateful member of Alanon and I have 2 teenage son. I have been learning detachment with love and it has made life so much better, especially in regards to my eldest son who was walking all over the top of me and still would if given half the chance. However, I am in the same predicament as you because my youngest is my responsibility and his consequences are also mine. My ex ah doesnt see them which comes with both benefits and problems, so I can imagine how hard it is for you.
My youngest son has been going off the rails lately and I do believe it is in response to being brought up in a sick family. So, I too struggle with detaching but trying to have some control. My way of thinking is this, I see him as my 'First thing First' so like you I make sure I meet his needs like food, clothes etc. He has been trying to take control of himself lately and has been making some bad choices. He has been smoking cannabis- his choice so I have been giving him consequences like removing his ps3 and his internet access. I have told him of the dangers and why I do not want him to do this. However, I cant be with him 24 hours so if he decides to smoke it he can take my consequences. I try not to nag or blame because he gets defensive and shuts down to advice. I have only learned this recently through alanon. I realise he has a mind of his own and I cant control him or control whats going on when Im not with him. I can only give him boundaries and consequences with as much calm, kindness and love as I can. This is so important in my life right now because I feel he is still young enough to learn from my good example. I feel I am getting my sanity back bit by bit so I want him to benefit from that. It is so difficult to let them go and watch them make mistakes but also so important to let them and not rescue them from their own consequences.
I know my situation is different to yours and I wish I could offer suggestions regarding your son visiting his Father but I related to your dilemma regarding detaching and control so thank you for bringing that up.
God Bless you! I had forgotten about detaching with love...! As a member of Al Anon I always feel like a complete beginner...But I will try and do that...Alot of the confusion is also my fault. I am inconsistent with boundaries and rules for appropiate behaviour. I have been too afraid of setting boundaries because I have been so afraid of driving him away and filled with guilt about all he has been through. I see now, by re-reading my original post and reading your response is that of course I am driving him away by the nagging and conflict. Detaching with love is so difficult. Staying calm is difficult when he constantly testing me with language and behaviour. I am not sure I know how to detach at all. For me detaching means holding my tongue (uuuurgh!) and not saying anything at all. Which I am not sure is right...I am aware I do need to calm right down. For him and for me. And I am learning to let go and focus on myself when he is with his Dad. Thankyou for your quote "I can only give him boundaries and consequences with as much calm, kindness and love as I can" I will take this to heart. I don't think I have been very kind sometimes. I will also do some reading on detachment.
thank you for sharing, this really helped me too. i know how you feel regarding detachment. sometimes it feels like you are holding back things that need to be said. for me, i still try to say it but i try not to enter into a big discussion or argument. it is hard but it gets easier.good luck with your son and maybe we could offer a bit of support to each other along this challenging road.
