The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been on and off these boards for about a year, but the past 2-3 weeks have been attending online meetings and have gone back to a f2f after a long time. I am trying to work through some 'stuck' feelings I have and would love to hear from anyone with similar circumstances...
Last 1-2 years got really bad w my AH and me; I withdrew and eventually was offering nothing emotionally, physically, anything except the invitation for him to leave; he was looking at apts but consistently saying it was not what he wanted, I felt I was done and anything he said (even rehab promises and the like) just sounded like words to me...
anyway, a few months ago he was away for 2 weeks for business travel; during that time I went to a lawyer's office but could not follow through. At the same time, he met someone on a train...and had a two week largely emotional relationship w her (turns out she is pg w another older man's kid!).
Between the shock of the lawyer's office and the discovery of another person, I realized I actually loved him and didn't want to throw out our 20+yr marriage after all; we have reconciled since, and things have been very positive, he has assured me that he loves me, always wanted this with me, etc etc
To be honest I just can't get past feeling nautious thinking of him with another person..in any way! And I know on some level it is ridiculous because I had told him over and over again I wanted it over, but we hadn't officially separated and he didn't know about the lawyer until after he had met what's her name.
Any wisdom on just how to get past these nagging THOUGHTS?? I know part of my problem right now is he is traveling again and will be away for another week and a half...I guess a little bit of a trigger effect? Anyone who has been through a separation (even unofficial?) and come through the other side with successful reconciliation?
He is still active A, and I am finally realizing what I NEED to do is keep attending meetings, reading, sharing, etc.
Aloha Yanksfan...your post is clear...I've been there and done that some on several relationships so I'm expert on relapse (LOL). What I found out was the fear that I had to deal with not knowing it was fear. I didn't trust which was connected to my fear and I feared having to try to retrust someone else who was different. I learned a sense of qualified trust which for me was not trusting the alcoholic/addict or the other for something the couldn't and wouldnot give. When I learned to trust my alcoholic/addict for the lying, cheating and stealing my anxiety went down and I left because I was trusting her not to be able or want to provide to the relationship her part which made it an "Our", "Us" and "We" participation. I loved her and had no reason to be married to her. Plus my sponsor taught me alot about correcting my mistakes as in Steps 5 thru 9 which included reversing bad contracts. I've been thru more separations because my past partners wouldn't commit and invest to the relationship being "mutual". I can't carry it all by myself...I tried and I failed over and over and arrived at a level of insanity that most people would be locked in for. I didn't like waiting for the othere shoe to drop so I stopped waiting went back into having 2 shoes on at all times. There's no law that says I have to live that way and in fact all of the information I now have tells me I shouldn't or shouldn't have. I use to leave and return and leave and return with monotonous regularity and all that told me was that I still thought I could control or live with the familiarity rather than the fear of the opposite. After I left and spent sometime out in the wanderlands poking and looking around...I was okay and I could place myself into more reliable situations. Alcoholism is about unreliability alot...read the posts and all of the stories they contain and relate. That is what I do and I've been around for a while. I haven't been around long enough to have a guarantee of peace of mind and serenity for the rest of my life.
Keep coming back...do the next right thing for yourself. ((((hugs))))
I think once we learn to take care of ourselves, our best path (which is different in every case) becomes clearer.
I know that I got very anxious if I wasn't the one who decided how much distance there was between us. When he was drinking and absent-while-present, of course it made me very anxious. When I decided to separate, I became a lot less anxious. I had thought a lot about it and was in control of the decision and it felt good. But then when he started to draw away I started to panic. It was not being the one in control of the distance that panicked me. Several times I have had that experience of, when the person gets involved with someone else, I have panic and fear and withdrawal and remorse. I'm in a different decision-making state than when I'm the one in control of the separation. I hope you'll get a lot of support however you go forward.
I agree with all of the ESH you have received, .. once you focus on you everything else becomes about what is best for you. The disease of alcoholism regardless if you stay with him or not Alanon is where I need to continue to focus on my own recovery. I def want to do things differently!
Keep coming back!
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I think once we learn to take care of ourselves, our best path (which is different in every case) becomes clearer.
I know that I got very anxious if I wasn't the one who decided how much distance there was between us. When he was drinking and absent-while-present, of course it made me very anxious. When I decided to separate, I became a lot less anxious. I had thought a lot about it and was in control of the decision and it felt good. But then when he started to draw away I started to panic. It was not being the one in control of the distance that panicked me. Several times I have had that experience of, when the person gets involved with someone else, I have panic and fear and withdrawal and remorse. I'm in a different decision-making state than when I'm the one in control of the separation. I hope you'll get a lot of support however you go forward.
I really enjoyed reading this post as it puts into words something I experience with my AH
