The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I do not want this to come across harsh. I hear that you questioning your attitude and motives when you share at meetings, as I have done. Reviewing the Traditions and my motives helped me greatly.
I saw that we are a fellowship of equals, without leaders and without opinions on outside issues. Sharing our ESH is a gift to ourselves and others. We speak so that others can can connect in an intimate fashion and HP can touch their hearts.
I feel that by feeding my ego when sharing our stories, we loose authenticity and become a performer. Other outwardly focused instead of inwardly focused. Because we are focused on people pleasing, applause and our own importance, we stop being humble and begin to feed our ego and defects.
We forget that we are powerless over others and that by sharing our story we are merely being an instrument of HP and al anon.
If you feel HP is guiding you to a bigger audience and more fame maybe writing a book about your life and ESH would serve you well
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 16th of January 2013 08:26:44 PM
I have been doing a lot of speaking at open Al-Anon meetings over the last year and a bit and it's an experience I really enjoy. It is very rewarding, I feel great after and people always leave feeling better. I always leave feeling better. I feel I have a pretty neat story and have overcome a lot to become who I am today and want to inspire others and pass this along.
One of the things that I also enjoy is the entertainment aspect of speaking. I always stand, and don't sit. I use my hands, try and incorporate humour, however I will never mention anyone by name or point them out in the crowd. Usually I speak in front of around 20 people. I love the butterflies, the zone I get into beforehand, the adrenaline rush when I'm up there and all eyes are on me, the handshakes afterward, and just the sense of satisfaction I feel people get once I am done and that I get.
Because of this, I feel it has gone to my head a little. Awhile ago, I sat down and wrote out my story and I've done it so many times it feels scripted. As though, I am trying to hard abd doing it for the wrong reasons. Sometimes I fantasize about doing this type of thing in front of a large theatre of people but I have to remember that this is Al-Anon and not hollywood. Still nice to dream though :)
I don't know, is this as big a deal as I am making this out to be? It's just church basements in front of 20 or so people, but I want it to be more. I think it has the potential to be more. The feedback and reaction are always positive.
There's a fine line Jim... I see you being hard on yourself more than being ego-inflated. I'm thinking that the positive feedback and sense of belonging you get in alanon is so strong that it lead you to the "rush" feeling you are describing. You are not used to feeling so good about yourself and you natural instinct is to then think you've done something bad. If I just read what you wrote at face value, I'd say you should get your ego out of your shares, but having read many of your other shares and they way you describe yourself, I'm more inclined to think it's just you not being used to praise, not being used to being looked up to, and not getting approval that you missed out on and desperately needed from your parents. Not to be too into taking your inventory, but go easy on yourself. It's okay to feel good about doing good things. You are also just learning what might be some of your assets and strengths after not having had parents that validated you much....It seems like alanon has been one of only place you really have taken off and soared. Over more time and with more stepping out of your comfort zone outside alanon, what you have gained there will generalize to the rest of your life. You will find ways to utilize your ability to speak confidently in front of others in other areas of your life. Maybe you are suited to be a teacher, or a performer of some kind....Don't know.
I know there is direct feedback and psychobabble here. I hope I didn't make too many assumptions. Just like you I know I have some strengths and abilities. I'm good at helping others and I do it for a living. It does feed my ego in healthy ways and unhealthy and I have to stay grounded. I have to work to know my motives. I have to ask if I'm "playing therapist" to get ego kicks or truly trying to be helpful. I don't always know the answer to that and much of the time I just have to pray, let it go, and just be me.
Thanks Guys,
No offense taken hotrod :)
Pinkchip, your assessment is very accurate. I feel I am getting attention and praise that I never got before anywhere else. A side of me that deep down I knew existed but could never show the world is allowed to blossom. I do feel good about myself and it is a different feeling
Thanks.
