The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you so much for making me smile - your question 'Does anyone else out there feel like sometimes their thoughts and feelings take over?' is, for me, the understatement of the year!! I love you for asking it and in my experience the answer is the biggest YES I can possibly type - I can not believe the hours/days of brain chattering that I have wasted worrying about things that I have no control of at all, and that probably don't even exist outside of my head. In fact I'll be chatting to a therapist about this exact same thing tomorrow!
My AH is currently sober, but it is only a matter of days since his last relapse. I am proud of him for getting back up and trying again, but I must admit my feelings have certainly changed over the past year or so - I am not really reflecting back to him in the positive way that I used to. I am sad about that and it is something that I never imagined or predicted. But it is not surprising really. Even though we love each other a huge amount I am not helping myself or AH with my doubts and negative thoughts so for now my priority is to shift my thinking back to taking care of myself and my own self esteem and in doing this I use a similar question to yours 'how am I with this?'
I'm putting in place activities that I enjoy and feel a sense of reward about - I am turning my attention to more positive and helpful things (I started with little undemanding things and this week I've graduated to a new job where I will be teaching and working with young people - whey-hey!).
It seems to me that even the most perfect of motors needs fuel to run on - lets say a Rolls Royce, although I'm more of a restored Lancia Sunbeam myself - and frankly it is no wonder that I've been a backfiring banger for a few years considering some of the junky negative thoughts and dead end thinking I've been putting in the tank Like you I'm a bit of a perfectionist, so now I'm working on purrrrrrrfecting myself (just hear that motor running now!!)
The people here are great and face to face alanon meetings are very good indeed as well if you can get to one.
-- Edited by milkwood on Wednesday 16th of January 2013 11:09:55 AM
Hi everyone, i'm new here on this forum and have been going to al-anon (fairly consistently) since May 2012. I've gone through so many changes of awareness it's unreal!
I've been with my AHB for 5 years; he's been working his AA program for a good 2 yrs but has relapsed every so often.
I don't know if its having self-doubt, not connecting enough with my HP, or what. But my AHB and I talk all the time about feelings, program, etc. I'm always honest with him. And it hurts his feelings when I told him his relapse hurt me and i felt taken back and my feelings have changed and that our love has changed a bit. He was 7 months sober until he had relapsed this past Dec 2012. It took a really hard hit on me and I asked myself "This is what an alcoholic relationship is..are you okay with it?"
I feel like I think way too much, worry way too much about US. He's a great man, and he loves me and love him so much. He treats me better than anyone can ever have and I don't want to give that up. It's just sometimes I have doubts on random things about our relationship. Such as "I like to try new restaurants , but he doesn't." and "I like doing these types of things, but he doesn't." I even told him "There are guys out there like you that have similar interests."
I only go through these random anxiety/thoughts whenever there's a bump in the road. My AHB tends to go to meetings and not come home because he needs time to himself to think. And it's usually when I am open and honest with him w/ some feelings that I get about us..
I feel like it's me setting expectations and controlling a 'perfect' relationship when in fact, I do have one in front of me. Is it a matter of practicing gratitude and realizing that the values that I have are right in front of me?
I honestly don't feel like I have anything to worry about, and I cause this all on my own (and in my head); but anxiety and projection thoughts of uncertainty, doubt take over sometimes.
Does anyone else out there feel like sometimes their thoughts & feelings take over? Every day isn't a walk in the park, but I guess it's hard for me to accept that there are some days that aren't perfect--b/c i am (sadly) such a perfectioninst from growing up in an alcoholic home; and that I had this idea of a 'perfect' world.
Sorry for the long post.
Any insight, wisdom and feedback is much appreciated!
__________________
Get out of your head, stop worrying so much and focus on how beautiful today can be!
Thanks so much for making me laugh & smile! I'm so glad to hear I'm not alone in this...I was in your shoes with the recent relapse and it's hard to get yourself out of that "i've lost faith" mentality especially when you feel like you were on such a good one.
I have to remember to keep the focus on myself; I've heard in many meetings that setting the example for the AH (and even everyone else in your life) can make a huge difference. But it all begins with me; It's funny because I know all this--but it's sooooo much easier said than done!
I need to stop doubting doubt; and practice the principles and tools that I learn from my meetings (which i attend about 2-4 a week). I have a lot to be grateful for. One day the anxiety, thoughts, and self-doubt will pass; I just need to focus on today...because I'm hopeful that when I look back, I'll realize that I've lived a great life--if i can do it One Day at a Time.
I have to say, I am grateful for my alcoholic; and even though he's got a disease, he is still a beautiful person.
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Get out of your head, stop worrying so much and focus on how beautiful today can be!
Oh gosh! Are there people in this world who don't worry and stress over every little thing? My thoughts were so consuming last night that I believe I was awake every hour, looking at the alarm clock, and asking God to help clear my thoughts so that I could sleep!!! There are good days and bad days. I have to keep praying the Serenty Prayer. We cannot control them. We cannot control the bad stuff that happens around us. All we can do is try to be the best we can be, attend meetings, and, be that "good" example you were talking about. There are days when I feel I have it together, and there are days I just worry, worry, worry. Btw, my AH is 30 days sober today! YAY! I wish I could just celebrate that and not worry about what may trigger him to drink again. That's my nature. You're not alone!!!!
Annie1234, thanks sooo much for your post!
Life's not perfect; I'm not perfect; neither is the AH! So glad i'm not alone. Isn't it amazing that after 30 years (I just turned 30, Jan 5th); i've lived a life of constant worry and stress over the littlest thing? This program is great--I'm learning to let go and let god every day because he has a plan for me! And making the right choices for me each day will bring me to serenity.
you all!
__________________
Get out of your head, stop worrying so much and focus on how beautiful today can be!
I'm glad you have found us. It sounds significant to me that you think these things whenever he has a relapse. My ex-AH thought that I shouldn't care about relapses. He didn't see why they would be a big deal to me. He was like, "No biggie, relapses happen." But every time, I had to face the fact that I had a drunken, passed-out man in my house. I had to worry that he was driving drunk (which he sometimes was). I had to think, "Should I not let him drive my car any more?" I had to think, "I'd better drive our son everywhere, because I can't trust him not to drive drunk." I had to think, "I am not safe in trusting him not to drink. How long is this going to go on? He says he won't drink again, but after what's happened I don't think I can trust him. Can I go on like this?" Our marriage was at stake and he was acting like I was exaggerating things. Because I didn't want to be with a guy who was going to be drunk for the rest of his life. If I knew he would be, I would leave. And with every relapse I would think, "Is this it? How many relapses can I take?"
It seems to me normal and reasonable that we would be figuring out our bottom line and what we're okay with. And so when your A relapses, it seems to me that you're saying, "I need to remember that there are other possibilities out there. It's not a drunk or loneliness for the rest of my life. I'm okay with some incompatibilities if he's a sober and steady guy. But incompatible and drunk all the time? Why would I want to be with someone like that?" That sounds reasonable to me too.
The thing is, though, that it's not really all about the incompatibilities. The thing that changes is whether he's drinking. That's really the important thing. Talking about the incompatibilities makes it sound as if that's what's making you decide whether you want to be with him. Whereas the way I see it, it's really the drinking.
I'm not sure we're called upon to practice gratitude that we have a relapsing alcoholic in our lives. From my experience, we codies are more likely to be too accepting rather than too demanding. We take crumbs and feel guilty if we're not grateful for them. The truth is that you deserve a relationship that fulfills your major needs. A relationship with someone unreliable probably isn't that. If it's growing into that, that's excellent. If it's not, then it's not ungrateful to think that you really deserve to have your needs fulfilled too. That's the way I see it.
Does anyone else out there feel like sometimes their thoughts & feelings take over? Every day isn't a walk in the park, but I guess it's hard for me to accept that there are some days that aren't perfect--b/c i am (sadly) such a perfectioninst from growing up in an alcoholic home; and that I had this idea of a 'perfect' world.
Sorry for the long post.
Any insight, wisdom and feedback is much appreciated!
Grrr... for that second para. No post is ever too long. This sharing is holding nobody up. We read to the end out of choice, and out of interest.
I am an adult child of and can relate towhat you say. There was an empty ugly void in my world and i did fill it with my imagination. I had to go from the paralysis of analysis to a attitude of gratitude. I go to this grateful state with three simple steps: sharing, sharing, and sharing.
Ma'am, by coming here, or any gathering of affected people, you add something and offer hope.
I, too, had to smile when I read your post about obsessing about our loved ones. I think the answer is pretty much a very loud YES from all of us... that is why we are here. We have all had difficulty living/dealing with addiction. I wanted to add I trick that I started early in MY recovery. When I become aware that I am obsessing about my AH, I shout a very loud "STOP" in my head. (Not out loud). (People would think I was nuts when out in public!) But anyway, for me, this seems to alert me that I am "doing it again" (obsessing) and I can move on to other things. I don't know if it would work for you, but it might be worth a try.
Another thing that AA talks about quite frequently is "progress, not perfection." There are sometimes slips, the trick is to get right back to their program.
Take what you like and leave the rest..... Glad you are here!
His relapses aren't very often; but when they do happen--they aren't easy. I've expressed my honesty with my feelings and all to him and he's fully aware of that. He attends his AA meetings regularly; but it's none of my business to keep tabs on that. :)
Thanks for your post by the way; and glad you shared your feedback. I get taken aback with the term "drunk" because I don't necessarily see him as that; but as someone who's in recovery with a struggle to work his program. However, I guess i can see how the term can be used in that way. :)
I've thought about a lot of my values and needs; and what I've learned is that I may not always get what I want, but I do get what I need; My entire life has been thinking 'want want want'; and If i don't get it, I pout. These wants are typically 'materialistic' and projected exceptions of some sort. Again, this is just based off of my experience and what I had known growing up.
I really love what you said about 'not being all about the incompatibilities; it's about his drinking.' Because my AH isn't actively drinking and knows exactly where I stand (and where he stands) in our relationship and our own programs and what we need to focus on. The reality of all this is, he's got a problem drinking and it's affected me a lot. Which is why I'm here; and happy to find this program.
SweetStanley & DavidG, thanks for the words of encouragement as well.
I need to remember to keep the focus on myself and remember that detaching with love isn't easy!
__________________
Get out of your head, stop worrying so much and focus on how beautiful today can be!
'and If i don't get it, I pout.' Gette, you are great!
Just adding to Sweet Stanley's good advice - I wear an elastic band around my wrist and 'ping' the elastic when I catch myself thinking unhelpful thoughts.
Mattie...your post resonated with me. Seems like we spend SO much time worrying about, thinking about, obsessing about our alcoholic, that we do lose focus on ourselves. AlAnon is wonderful at putting the limelight back on us. I wonder if we really are satisfied with crumbs, and why we are willing to accept the unreliability of a life with an alcoholic. I remember thinking, at one point, what would I want for MY daughter? And, if what I had wasn't good enough for her, than why on earth was it good enough for me? And, what was I modeling for her? Just random thoughts...seems like we spin our wheels and twirl around trying to make things right, or make them seem like it's ok...
I definitely think one of the most difficult aspects of our recovery is somehow making the switch from obsessing about our loved ones' every move and putting the focus back on us! I read your post and all replies and felt the solidarity in those thoughts that can be so torturous! I finally gave in a couple of nights ago and took something to help me sleep (couldn't teach Grades 4-6 on 1 1/2 hrs again).
Aloha Gette and welcome to the family and it's great that your post lit up so much ESH from the other members who checked in and left gifts. Too much thinking isn't bad or wrong or a deficit..."For after all God gave us brains to us" is a program statement from the other room and it it true. Problem with my thinking was I use to let it run on its own and it ran all over the place, bumping into walls and falling off of cliffs and then I came to understand that it was an indication of insanity soooo I asked for the definition of sanity in my home group and was told that "It is a continuous and orderly process of thought" and I knew I was crazy and could learn how to change that. How did I change it...lots of meetings and listening with an open mind to lots and lots of shares from the other members. I looked for similarities and not differences twix them and me and started to identify and then my program of recovery took off.
Continuous and orderly...those are guide words for me today otherwise I'm just a duck quacking!! LOL When I learned about being responsible for my own behaviors and consequences and that this is what I would be measured on and not the life of my alcoholic/addict; under the influence or not I got busy with my own life and achievements. I would no longer beable to point her out and hold her up to judgement for the failings in my life.
Worry and anxiety is about fear and the acronym for FEAR works for me on a daily basis False Evidence (this is the evidence in my mind only) Appearing Real (I give it power). Thoughts often are not facts they are just thoughts and feelings are not facts either. Feelings are choices...yes you can change feelings like you do socks...I don't get locked up with feelings any longer...I enjoy the positive ones and shift the negative ones out as best as possible.
Like you I'm a bit of a perfectionist, so now I'm working on purrrrrrrfecting myself (just hear that motor running now!!)
you all!
Yes, Let Go! and Let God! Amen, sister!