The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Think I need to work the steps tonight. Thank you alanon.
i have never really had a conversation with my ex a where i have honestly told him how i truly feel, i dont mean nag him or try to change him i gave that up long ago.
-- Edited by el-cee on Tuesday 15th of January 2013 04:55:01 PM
Sometimes I struggle to have empathy for alcoholics. The damage they cause to their partners and worse, children is shocking. Long lasting damage. They are selfish and self centred at best and aggressive and violent at worst. I mean has anyone actually spelt it out to there a, really told them. I believe it's an illness too but are they supposed to get away with so much. Are we supposed to tip toe round ignoring their bad behaviour in fear they might feel guilt!!!!! But they should feel guilty, look what they do, they allow their illness to ruin lives and don't even have the emotional maturity to get it.
I imagine most of us have tried and tried to get through to our alcoholics with the truth of what harm they're wreaking. In one sense they already know, but in another their denial is so strong that they are oblivious. If telling them actually made any difference, I don't think there's be any alcoholics left in this world. I told mine till I was red in the face, but it never made a bit of difference.
I feel sympathy for their illness, but I don't feel sympathy for their decision not to treat it. Just as I'd feel sympathy for a diabetic, but not if he insisted he didn't need to watch his diet or need insulin and then complained all the time and caused grief for everyone else. I wouldn't feel sympathy for his harmful decisions.
The way I see it, we don't have to tiptoe around and pull a veil over alcoholics' bad behavior. We are free to leave them if we can't stand it. And in many cases that is a very reasonable choice. If we stay, presumably there is something in the relationship for us, even if not everything we want. The way I understand it, if we stop trying to tell and nag and hector and harangue them about their drinking, our stopping isn't for their sakes. It's for us. Pestering them doesn't help them at all and it sucks us into the insanity of centering our own lives on them and their drinking. Detaching helps us regain our serenity and live good lives whether or not they drink. That's how I understand it.
I know I started to tell my hubby about what his bad behavior was doing to me and the kids but he quickly turned the conversation around to why I was wrong and how I should be grateful for the good stuff. I realized that he would never listen to me and I was simply hitting my head against a stone wall. I would get no where. I put my energies into how I could change me and help myself. I went to step meetings for years and let the program wash over me. Incrimentally I could feel things changing in ME. I got to the point where I knew that whatever happened with him, I would be okay....physically, mentally and emotionally. I still work on myself with meetings, books, websites like this one and friends in the program to keep my recovery from the effects of his drinking and keep myself happy every day. Some days I slide back and have to pick myself up, dust myself off and dive into the program again. But it works.
yes any of the times I actually gave in and expressed my resentment, fears, anger etc about whatever the situation: driving drunk again, accident(s), coming home at dawn, finding drugs...shockingly the conversation became about how crazy I was and how that helped fuel the behavior
while I still struggle mightily with this I am starting to see some truth in this--if I am waiting at the door with a frying pan hanging over his head, the whole thing becomes about how insane I am, not that the A behavior is out of line
I believe I get to state how I feel about a situation one time. If I continue to go on and on about the same situation then I'm nagging and harping. I hate it when other people do it to me so I really am a lot more aware when I do it to others.
In making my statement one time I then get to decide how to set my own boundaries. That's what helps me in dealing. Going to open AA meetings have helped me a great deal. I am very blessed to have the support there that I do. AA is my compassion fuel and Alanon is my detachment fuel. Something for me too is hearing their pain it reminds me that alcoholism consumes across the board. It's not just the hurt that I go through it's flat across the boards. It is hard for an A to hear that especially when they are fresh out of recovery OR in the disease. Sometimes it hurts to be reminded of the pain that is there because even long timers have said that it brings a twinge of that's how it used to be and the gratitude that it no longer is that way.
I'm still working on compassion for my STBAX, it will get there and no it is not a get out of jail free card as far as the damage they do. Active (or recovering) alcoholics/addicts .. yes they have a disease they are still responsible for the consequences of their choices. I don't have to live in that space with them and be victimized by it. I only have to work on my own program and set my own boundaries.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
El-cee, I completely agree with where you are. Being a nurturer and people pleaser, I cannot imagine doing and saying the things that my AH has.
Pushka, I really liked what you wrote about AA meetings being your compassion fuel, and Al-Anon meetings being your detachment fuel. I think we need both in order to keep everything in perspective.
Fully understanding that it IS a disease is helpful. The harder part is for an A to admit that they HAVE the disease, because so many deflect and defend their actions by pointing fingers at us.
