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Some folks know what's going on with my daughter and us raising her daughter. The daughter lives in Maryland near us, and we have sole custody of the grand daughter because my daughter have her up so she could go back to Michigan to get back into partying. She lasted one day and absolutely HAD to co e right back, we set the condition that she couldn't live with us due to her admitting she shook the baby after my other daughter informed her therapist who was obligated to report it. Essentially we were told she will more than likely never get custody back and can only visit twice a week and can't spend the night. We had told her this is a minimum 6 month thing where she will be evaluated on where she stands after that, but we were told she can never come back because if she did, it would become a living hell for us with the state involved. Now I have to tell her, and I'm not sure how to go about it. This is not easy and expecting nothing good to come from it. Except the baby getting taken care of. If anything, this is the only ray of light in this situation. Could use some ESH on this, I'd like to know others experiences.
Not an easy task!!! I would make an appointment with the Social /Case worker and bring your daughter to her office There the conditions, set down by the State can be clearly explained to her. Things accomplished: you do not have to be the "heavy", your grand daughter is safe and your daughter knows the truth.
I presume she has a case plan to follow if she wants custody back. I back up Hotrod in having DCF explain what she needs to do and what the legal parameters are so that she knows these are not just "your" rules, but the state's. If she hears it all from you, it will be intermixed with feelings she has about you and thinking you should be able to fix it or change it cuz you are her dad. If she hears what the case plan is from someone not in the family, then she will maybe get a clearer idea of what your role is. You are not the gatekeeper to her child. DCF is and she has control over that by following her case plan.
Well social services has been less than clear with us, told us if she did come back that basically they'd be crawling all over us keeping an eye on things, that she has to be supervised 24/7, which is near impossible, and can never be alone with the baby, another near impossibility, but they e never come right out and said she can't be there, just that it would overcomplicate everything. I already td her she's made everyone extremely tense and on edge and she shakes a lot which bugs me about when she's holding the baby and it bothered the baby's nurses a whole lot. She also loses her temper a lot. She is getting better, but last time she was over I had to take the baby from her because she lost her temper and started "f" bombing and the baby was visibly upset. Other than that, I suppose I'll have to ask them to be specific on what their expectations are.
In the state I live in there are different agencies that help with things like this. In my area it is the YWCA they do visitation when there is supervised visitation. They also do parenting classes which are generally part of the package if someone wants custody back.
I have no doubt since the court is involved there is some awareness there of the limitations.
Boundaries are pretty tough stuff for some of us. I have to set tremendous limits with certain people. I think practice is it. Practice them get better at them and be prepared to be not that great at the beginning.
IIf they haven't been 100% clear she cant live with you and for your sanity you set that boundary that is your decision to make. Just be careful if you choose to make them the heavy and they say the wrong thing letting her think she could move in sounds like you will have to be strong. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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