How do you cope with lonely? - Al-Anon Family Group

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

How do you cope with lonely?

cinders · Veteran Member

I have been doing fairly well with the changes of going from a married woman to a single woman. I have been with my AH for ten years and during that time there were some really good times. We were in love and I think in some ways still are. I am now starting to struggle with the lonliness of it all. I have not seen my AH since I moved out of the house on Nov 7th. In ten years I have not gone that long with out seeing him. He travels for work so I was used to him being gone for several weeks at a time, just never this long before. During our marriage, if he was on the road, we talked almost every day and would email a lot if the time difference was there. I have talked to him 3 times and have received less than a dozen emails. I am missing my marriage and the man that he had the ability to be.

Living with four kids makes it so there is seldom alone time but that is not the same thing. Its strange, I was the only active adult in our mariage, doing the bills, taking care of kids and household duties, but now being the only one here, makes it seem even more alone than before. My AH did not engage with the family, he did not spend time with us, go places with us or be involved in anything we did. Sometimes he would not even go on a family vacation. I will never forget one year at my birthday we were going to Seattle to spend the weekend. Had a hotel arranged and plans for doing all sorts of fun stuff with the kids. Friday afternoon everyone was packed and loaded in to the car. He walked to the front door with his bag in hand, turned to me and said he was not going, that he would join us Saturday morning. I was devastated. And of course, he did not show till Saturday evening. This is just one of the vacations he missed out on. I am trying to remember those times, but I am also thinking about the good times. I believe he has the ability to be an amazing man because he was one before the drinking escalated to this point. He has been an alcoholic since before I met him, he just has done what they all do, he has progressed over the years. I truly believe my husband will die from this someday and that someday is probably not too far in the future.

I just miss him and what we could have had as a future. How do you cope with the feeling of lonely? I spend time with my kids and interact with adults at work, just don't have a lot of friends right now. Sort of lost all of those during the progession of his drinking and never have been very good at making them either.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Cinders

I am so very sorrry for you sadness and pain. It is understandable that you will feel this way. 10 years , 4 children and a life together has ended and the loss must be acknowledged, accepted, felt and mourned. I know for me that the "Lonely" feeling was also mixed with grief. I grieved for the loss of a dream, the person and my life as I had envisioned it. it was a hard and difficult time.

Alanon taught me that I cannot avoid feelings, nor go around them, I must use the tools and walk with them. The best I could do was increase my meetings, make more alanon calls. live in the present, one day at a time and trust that "This too will pass "-----and it did.

You are not alone so please keep coming back Staying connected is so very important

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Cinders I'm sorry you are lonely. It is so very sad how much alcoholism takes from families. My family lost so much too. When I stop to think about it I get angry and resentful so I try to think of what I've got now without my a. I've got more peace, I don't feel constantly abandoned by him. I'm not obsessed with alcohol or his warped mind.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I joined the YMCA and made a couple friends there and in a woman's study group at a church near my house. I am newer to my area and have had to make new friends and branched out to have a social life. It takes time and effort to get to know new people, so I picked new hobbies and met people there. Sending you love and support!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I felt betrayed, angry and very alone when I first left the ex A. I think it took a good year before he was not in my thoughts daily. Alcoholism deserves grieving. There is so much loss involved.

I am glad your children are keeping you busy. I think plowing into al anon has been the best remedy for me. Then there is the issue of self care. What do you need to do for you besides think about the now ex A. Focus on doing one good thing a day for yourself.

Maresie.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I cope with lonely by dragging out the remembrances. Remembering that the man I fell in love with and still miss, was not the real him. Actually the man I fell for was the man I'd been waiting to find; or thought I had; then he changed, once he had me, into someone I wouldn't have given the time of day to. Now I know that, like Humpty Dumpty, I need to put my pieces back together again and I'm willing to do the work to heal the damage done by him so that I will be ready for the last love of my life.

I cope with the lonely by re-reading the madness I was in, reminding myself how insane it all was, how NOT like the life I wanted to lead, it was. I remind myself. I relish the peace of holidays without drunken bullying; the freedom to live my life the way I please without the constant accusations and blame and yelling and fighting. I remind myself how horrid it was and how much better it is this way. I remind myself of the reasons I HAD to end my union with a man who, even right this moment, I can remember how it felt to be in his arms. The bad was worse than the good was ever good.

And - I console myself with the hope that someday I will find someone who allows me to be me without apology or JADE, someone who LOVES the person I am right now at the heart of my true self. THAT drives the loneliness away - the thought that someday someone will be part of my life and a REAL part of my life - not just something I have to deal with every day because - I break it, I bought it.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

It's funny but I used to do what likemyheart did. I used to relive the pain to remind myself how bad it was and to motivate me to possibly make real change in my life. I pulled out old journals and read through my frustration and pain and much of it was written BEFORE AH started drinking again. Unfortunately, I had a tender moment last year and decided to throw out all my old journals, LOL. I was looking for a fresh start but AH has given me so much grief and pain in the past 12 months that I don't need the first 17 years of journals to re-read.

I am where you were most recently. Basically a single parent. AH doesn't go on vacations with us. He doesn't attend our son's tennis tournaments. We don't have mutual friends because most of my friends are Christians and AH has turned away from church and doesn't seem to like spending time with these folks anymore. Honestly, I've been alone (even though he lives with us) for a very long time so I can relate. Yet, I can also relate to what you say about being lonely. My AH also travels for work and when our son is sick or has trouble in some way, I sometimes wish AH was here to help. Then I realize that he wouldn't be much help after all. When I told him about a rash that our son has on his face the other day, AH says, "Why do I need to look at it? I'm not a dermatologist." Our son just sat there and was like, "Gee, thanks dad." Anyway, my son is 14 so he's a bit older than your kids and he's getting more and more frustrated by AH's partial presence in our lives.

It sounds like you're doing the right thing. Keep spending time with your kids and loving them. You're doing the right things, but healing and mourning will take time!

abbyalana · Senior Member

For me, the lonliness kind of comes and goes...I asked for the divorce just about a year ago and he moved out 6 months ago with the divorce finalized 2 months ago.

My exAH did not engage with our family (me and our daughter) very much at all. I was so lonely within my marriage that I thought it would ease up after the divorce. Well, it has on one level...I mean, truth be told my day-to-day life isn't too much different and he was not a conversationalist so we didn't talk. In that aspect - not much change. I always did the finances alone, child rearing alone, and caring for the house and pets - alone. That continues on...I think what I miss is knowing there was another adult around for whatever that's worth. A warm body in my bed at night. I do feel very alone at times but certainly not all the time. I have to remind myself at those moments to be patient with myself. It's an adjustment. I've been with him since age 14 (23 years!) and change can happen fast but also takes time too. I am only human.

Then, I have moments of sheer bliss at being single and alone! To have peace and quiet and a house that feels like a home for a change. No anxiety about when he's coming home, what shape he will be in, what mood he will be in. No more eggshells! I love that I can open the doors of my house and let anyone in at anytime and never have to worry about the "what if's" related to the exAH and his behavior. That's the good stuff!!!!!

I also have started to fill my time differently. I lean on friends, neighbors, relatives more to help me attain my goals. I ask them to help so that I can have some "me" time to do things for myself and socialize with others. I went on meetup.com and joined a single parents group, a divorced women's group and recently started F2F Al-Anon meetings too. To be with others going through the same or similar process is just wonderful. I also do some personal therapy for myself too. I know I have things to work on or a healthy future won't be in the cards. I also continue to be involved with my child and her activities too. Busy girl that I am!

So, I totally encourage you to embrace the good parts, feel the bad parts, make small changes for yourself and just as hotrod said - this too shall pass. I believe it gets better and time only moves so fast towards that...

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.