The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Okay so I know that I am not the cause of his disease, but it's all I hear. He also keeps telling me how I need a psychiatric evaluation followed by medication. He blames me for his family not talking to him because I told them the things he was doing. My therapist told me that he is doing these things to take the blame off of himself and that this is all typical alcoholic behavior. Why then do I feel the need to prove my sanity to him? Why do I crave his approval?
Take the focus off of him and put it on yourself...prove your sanity with the "Worldwide Fellowship of The Al-Anon Family Groups" We've been there and done that ourselves and so Al-Anon is the best to get feedback from. He knows what he is doing and your counselor was right...he is doing the best he can with what he has to not own up to the responsibilities for himself, his disease, his behaviors, his thinking and emotions and motives...spirit. When you decide to participate you loose. Visualize and hear yourself saying "No thanks and turning away from it". Admit to yourself that what he accuses you of is "NOT" the truth and turn away from it. You crave his affirmation and you're not ever going to get it and feel good about it if you did as you figure out it's all about the disease...of the mind, body, spirit and emotions.
If you're not attending face to face Al-Anon meetings yet I would suggest going to the white pages of your local telephone book and finding the hotline number for Al-Anon and calling it soon as you can to find out where and when we get together in your area. Also there are online meetings here in the chat room twice daily. Good luck and keep coming back. We are very glad you're here. ((((hugs))))
II agree with Jerry. I too live the same thing, oh what memories it brings back. You will never get his approval. He feels better by making you feel terrible about yourself .... this is his MO. Surround yourself with "healthy" people. AlAnon is a good place to start. One of my many favorite slogans is, "Just because you say it, doesn't make it true". Also, because you are invited to a fight doesn't mean you need to attend.
I left my A relationship in the end. It took time, but all the years of name calling, ridicule, calling me crazy took time to undo. Even though I was in AlAnon and working my program.
Today, he is dying slowly but surely. 100% disabled and still an active A/Addict. All in his 50's%. Today, I live in peace and Know I am not crazy with no need to provee it. My buttons are no longer his sport:) I have relationshipss based on respect and are healthy without "isms" with the exception of ice cream for me, and cookiess for him.
Keep coming back....you are far from alone. You are among friends.
So I took my therapist's advice and did not engage in the argument he tried to start and he just kept it up and kept it up and called me a coward like 7 times.m. I just laid on the couch and did not look at him or respond. He said oh you would rather watch tv than talk to me and I said if you want to have a conversation I will talk but if you want to play games o have no interest I playing. He just kept it up so I just laid on the couch and stayed quiet. He ranted on and on about how I need to take inventory of my wrong doings and get out of my own denial and then he just kept calling me a coward until he finally went to bed. Did I mention that he reeked of liquor?
It's all these moments that remind me that I am doing the right thing.
Thanks for the support and the reassurance that I am not crazy.
You are so not alone. My AH convinced me that I was the crazy one and that I needed help and meds. I went to therapy and went on medication. After a year of both, I finally learned and truly believed that I was not the crazy one. I was living in his world of insanity and going insane. Looked for his approval on everything. More insanity. I am still healing and this site along with many Alanon books have helped so much. I strongly suggest the meetings as well..I still have setbacks sometimes but know that my HP will always get me through as long as I trust in him.. We are all here for you. Hugs to you.
Just read your next post. Want to say good job for sticking with it and ignoring his ranting. There have been so many times I argued with him while he was drunk trying to make a point or justify my feelings. It got me no where but crying and sick to my stomach and feeling horrible. All the while, he was numb because of the amount of alcohol he consumed. There are still times I fall back into this pattern but at least now I see what I am doing and know that one day I will be able to walk away every time. Again, good job and hang in there. Sending another hug.
imom, I've been there too. It only happens when he drinks. Thankfully, he has been sober for 29 days and I am so grateful for that. It was amazing how he could be so charming to everyone else around him, and he would be so evil towards me. He would pick fights, and when I wouldn't play along, he would continue and call me a coward. Of course, he had other names too that I would not repeat here. Anyway, in December, I decided I wasn't going to play along anymore. If he was downstairs, I went upstairs. If he was upstairs, I went downstairs. I recognized that anything I would say to him would be considered an argument, so I just decided to stay quiet. The problems are his, not yours. You are not crazy. You are simply a nice person, and he wants to control you and bring you down to the negative place where he is. Keep praying and surrounding yourself with positive people.
I went thru the same thing with my AH - he would pick fights out over a dirty dish, a full wastebasket, ask me over and over what did I really do all day while he was paying the bills by working so hard. It was terrible, I really fell for it until I realized that in effect when he drank he was crazy and I wouldn't listen to a crazy person on the street so why listen to a nasty drunk who happens to know how to push my buttons?
As he is now in recovery, he can admit it was all part of the disease, to find ways to control me so I wouldn't interfere with his drinking. I slowly learned (and am still learning) "NOT TO REACT."
When he is abusing you, you need to leave the room. And failing that, leave the house until he passes out. I would say over and over "I am not going to fight with you." until he gave up.
