Hi everyone.  It's been a long time since I've posted.  I haven't been absent from Alanon, only from MIP.  I've been active in my group for 4 years now, have been a Group Rep for 3 years and participate at the Area level too.  Giving back is definitely extremely rewarding and healing.  At the same time, there has been a LOT going on in my personal life and I am having a hard time dealing.  My sponsor has a lot going on in her life and hasn't had the time to dedicate to working the steps with me lately.

The issue holding me back today (more like the past year) is my daughters wedding coming up in August.  A little history....We've had a rocky relationship for the past 4 years.  I was a controlling mother who always feared for her safety and kept her on a short leash.  Within a few weeks of her turning 18, she flew the coop and moved in with my mom after a pretty big argument that I truly feel stemed around her own OCD/paranoia type issues.  I've done enough step work and outside research that I understand why she is reacting to me the way she does.  I come from an alcoholic family where we never had money.  Sometimes utilities were shut off and my parents lost one home to reposession.  Both of my parents grew up in alcoholic homes so our whole family is a very simple family.  My first wedding cost maybe $2,000 and my second only $600.00.  My first husband and I were always able to provide for our kids and they never experienced that feeling of not having the bare necessities.

My daughter is planning a very expensive fairy tale/country style wedding and excluding me from all planning.  I think mainly because whenever we discuss invitations, cake, etc, I always ask what the budget for that item is.  No matter how hard I try, I cannot bring myself to participate in her belief that money is no object.  It feels so extremely unrealistic to me.  She makes not even $10.00/hr plus holds a part time job at a fast food restaraunt.  Her fiance makes just a little more than she does.  They own their own home and vehicles, so it's not like they are living with parents and saving all of their money.  I can only assume that her in-laws have agreed to cover the majority of the expense but when I ask, she will not confirm this.  Due to the drama involved when she moved out of my home, she has not included me in activities with her in-laws so I barely know them.  If I knew money was available for $600.00 invitations, then sure, let's order them.  But to even consider ordering them, not knowing where the funds will come from seems irresponsible.  None of this makes sense to me.  1 + 1 does not = 2.  I am expected to just play in her fairy tale and not ask if the item being discussed can be afforded.  I guess it's important to also say that she has mentioned more than once that she is trying to keep as tight a budget possible when it comes to food for the reception and even talked at one point about asking guests to bring a side dish.

In working through my steps/feelings/reactions this past year, I discovered that I definitely have some very deep personal belief of "thou shalt stand on thy own 2 feet and not lean on others."  I understand that is MY belief.  I am trying so hard to not be mad and disappointed in her....to be truly happy for the opportunity she seems to have that no one else in our family has every had.  But even if the money is available somehow, it still feels like such an extreme waste of money....and I can't get myself to a point where I'm in control of my emotions.  Therefore, I see why she's leaving me out.  But being left out like yesterday when she went dress shopping hurts and sucks.  I would never have excluded my mother from my wedding plans.  I love my mother and no matter how much we sometimes disagree, I have always included her in important events.  I stayed home from work today because every few hours I get to thinking about the whole mess again and find myself in tears.  Depression setting in when I feel like others are treating me as if "I don't matter" seems to also be another huge theme for me that I am trying to work thorugh. That need to protect my child from being hurt kicks in when I fearing that in the end she has been very unrealistic and she will be extremely disappointed when it all doesn't come together as she imagined.  I have 7 more months until "this too shall pass"!!!  And I will be very grateful to have hopefully survived with our relationship still in tact.

Thanks for reading my experience, please feel free to share your experiences, strength, and hope.