The material presented
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to exchange
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It's been getting worse with our son, the binge drinking has become more frequent, his personal hygene is a constant battle of wills and hes verbally abusive and emotionally very unstable when he is drunk, christmas has been a nightmare of worry and anxiety lack of sleep and generally all round it's sucking the life out of us, it's strange how with such consistancy the bahaviours have become our norm and how cleverly denial can mask our ignorance and weakness, my son got a job last week and we were all elated and so was he this is huge for all of us, we know he struggles with comittment and consistancy and know too he would not find this easy, he was told that no show meant no job, he said he liked that as he knew where he stood, I hoped this could be the turning point, so last night after sharing a lovely meal together he quite politly said he was just popping out for an hour and was then coming home for a bath and early night for a 6am start, sigh, a part of me thought ot owah, but you have to try and have hope and trust but after a dozen phone calls to remind him he was faultering on his promise to come home early and so when he did eventually staggering up to bed in the early hours, he fell with such a crash, it was obvious he wouldn't make his 6am start, What do I do as a parent wake him up and take him make him go? leave him to face the consequences? he signed off support for this job and he has things on credit, so automatically he will not be elligable for support and thats how it should be, and so he will fall into debt, I sat seething whilst he was fast asleep in bed and then I went upstairs and woke him up I said well thats your job up the swannie then, he screamed at me what time is it? he said have they called. I said did you answer my phone calls last night, did you? He said did they call I ignored him, he came down stairs crying and said so I screwed up, he has to cycle seven miles to this job, he got out his bike and set off, abouit half an hour later he calls me demands I pick him up as he has a puncture and and says take me to work, I said no and put the phone down.
I wrang this organisation for the homeless and spoke about the problems we are having with him, I said what happens if I will not have him back in the house, the situation is dyer and I am sooooooooo tired, he was a spiritual man who spoke very gently and told me straight up I was not helping the situation, he needs tough love, I thanked him and said I knew he was right, there comes a point I belive when in this situation a parents love and concern changes to enabler, what have I been teaching him, treat me like crap and there will be no consequences, the love has got distorted,and I so know what I have been doing wrong, I need him out of my life and from under my roof, why feel guilty he finds somewhere to go easily most nights until the early hours, so he needs to see how accomodating these freinds are going to be now, I am angry tired weary and very low, every mother going through this right now knows how dreadful this feels, tough love is saying no, step in projection what if ? arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh change that to what if not, I know what will happen if I keep doing the same old same old let me try to do something diffrent take that leap of faith, I am not even new to this yet how easily I can forget the rules, doesn't take long to slip right back, come on Katy CHANGE, x
You are a mom that explains the difficulty we have with "tough love". I know how difficult it is to practice this with your son and am glad that you came here and shared.
Your son has professional support and assistance out there and is not alone. Please be gentle with yourself, keep sharing here , live one moment at a time, and know that this program works when we work it
I know what your going through. Just read my posts. Hotrod is so right but often we are scared thinking about our sons on the streets, hurt or dead. We come here, have Al-alnon and our HP to help us to have the courage to change little by little. They also have the support so....
Let Go and Let God
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I could have written your post. My 19yo son's behaviour has been terrible since he was 14. His father is an a and his mother (me) was just as sick. I have been in Alanon for around 9 months now and my relationship with my son has been getting better. The first thing I learned to do is detach with love. That tool has been so valuable for me and my son. I learned that I have enabled my son's drink and drug taking so I have stopped. Im not perfect at this and I slip but everyday, in every conversation with my son I am very conscious of me. For example, I give him no money now, when I always gave him money before. At first he was verbally abusive when I said no but I remained calm and just said 'Im sorry you feel that way.' A couple of tantrums and that was it. He no longer expects nor even asks for money now.
I have changed my behaviour dramatically and my home is much calmer now. (touch wood) I am courteous and respectful with my son, I no longer control his life, I dont remind him of things or check up on him or step into save him or put obstacles in his way. Very difficult but gets easier with practice. I have came to realise that my whole idea of 'mothering' was flawed and based on fear. I have been scared of everything over the years and my fear has driven my actions which has meant I have not been making reasoned and loving decisions regarding my children. Dont get me wrong I did the best I could at the time so I dont beat myself up too much anymore either. My decisions are now based on protecting myself, my peace of mind, my sanity and basically letting go of my delusional control that I never really had. I hope I do not sound like a smart a** or too arrogant because I truly know how you feel and I want to give you hope that there are tools in Alanon that can give you back your life. I know that sounds dramatic and you probably think I am exaggerating but Im not. Wishing you the very best with whatever you decide to do.
