The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
well first of all my parents are both A's and divorced, this year I was with my mama for christmas, and this year, my dad didn't even call me, on christmas eve or christmas day. I am so totally hurt by that, I mean maybe he just forgot or maybe he took a turn for the worst I dont know what do... I dont know anything anymore...
I heard him talking on the phone to my aunt, and she asked what she could bring, and then my daddy was like "you could bring some wine" and I was like OMG he can't!! but I chickened out on asking him why he said that. so idk what to do...it was just sad, and I feel more depressed than ever...
Having expectations of "normalcy" from active A's, even simple things like calling when you would expect a normal and healthy person would call - is a recipe for disappointment and sadness.... One of the surest signs of the effect that others' alcoholism has ON US, is that we keep expecting our sick and irrational A's to behave like healthy and rational human beings - it ain't gonna happen!
I like to take accountability whereever I can - could you have called him on Christmas morning, at a time when you didn't think he would be drinking yet? That way, you could have your conversation with him, and then 'bow out' of all the angst, worry, etc.... Just a thought
All tough stuff, and hope you keep coming back here
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
"Having expectations of 'normalcy' from active A's, even simple things like calling when you would expect a normal and healthy person would call - is a recipe for disappointment and sadness...."
Truer words were never spoken. I know it doesn't make thing any easier, but we must remember they are As, and are likely to behave like As, especially if they are active. I am sorry you had a sad Christmas, and so I send you a big, tight hug, and hope it will help just a little bit...
Dear Joycie, I'm so sorry to hear about your sad Christmas. I know what you are going through in a way, as my "A" is my hubby. I sincerely believe that this time of year is the very hardest for an A to stay sober. This was the first year out of 10 years that mine was sober :) , all the other years were horrible! There isn't a thing we can do to prevent it.
In Alanon, we have what we call the 3 C's: we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. The thing we have to do is try to make the best of a sad situation, the only person we can change is ourselves. Since I started coming to this board, my life has been so much better. Even when he was drinking, I learned to detatch, and go on with my own life. There are a lot of wonderful people in Alanon who understand what you are going through, and always willing to share their experience, strength and hope, which we call 'ESH' for short.
We gain strength from each other, always knowing there is someone rooting for us,and caring about us.
It's a horrible disease. Try to remember that your Dad isn't 'himself' when he is drinking, and try to love the real man, who is controlled by a bad disease. Keep coming back, as you learn more and more about A ism, you will find more and more ways to cope. Wishing you all the TLC I can, Love TLC
I think I can get sucked into feeling my boyfriend can behave normally at times. I am working really hard not to call him today and check up on him. He said he is not feeling well. Well you know what neither am I. I had a full scale asthma attack last night. He is not calling to see how I am! He is an adult 46 years old. He can look after himself. I know my putting myself into his life in enabling ways has cost me dearly. I step in before he asks (he is good at asking for himself needless to say).
I will no longer expect him to behave appropriately. Maybe he can't. I have my own serious work issues and need to look at and deal with them. I care about him deeply but I also care about my own boundaries and well being and being burned out on taking care of him is not good for me.
>>>>>canadian>>>>>Having expectations of "normalcy" from active A's, even simple things like calling when you would expect a normal and healthy person would call - is a recipe for disappointment and sadness....
rosie>>>>>oh man is that true!!! Unrealistic expectations are PREmeditated resentments....my druggie daughter dissed me on xmas....NO call NO nothing!!!! i was NOT mad/disappointed, cuz i know!! she is drug addict who doesn't think she needs recovery....so i gave her to her god and i pray for her... i am POWERLESS over her actions, but i am NOT powerless over mine.....i had a nice / peaceful/ quiet/ lots of movies, Xmas.....
I am incredibly guilty of this. I expect my younger sister who has been an alcoholic for decades to suddenly recover because I want her to. She unknowingly triggers a whole lot in me.
I want to make it that she is being mendacious. The truth is she is so out of it on alcohol she is putting on a great great show all the time.
Of course I don't like the truth but trying to work off fantasy doesn't work either.
Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. Here we are all learning everyday to stop trying to assume what the people in our lives who are drinking will do and not expect things from them that we would others. We all fall into the pattern - sometimes we remember other days we don't and that is when we go on the emotional rollercoaster ride. You can set the terms of the relationship with your Dad in order to protect yourself. Try and focus on getting you better because there is nothing you can do physically to change your Dad's actions or his drinking. Luv Leo xx
