The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Early 20's Female, nursing grad, 5 months dating Alcoholic, our biggest problem is that I enjoy drinking he doesnt like me to drink, he is jealous, assumptive swears he knows everything and how it is going to happen. For example if I go out one night he basically has a play by play of what is going to occur, he says that I will have alcohol it will alter my perception and judgment and then I will basically cheat on him. He says this with out actually saying it.
How do I deal with the fact that I am a social drinker, he is totally against it, he doesnt trust me (I have lied to him before lies that he discovered so he has some reasons to not trust in me) but I have altered my behaviours for the better of us and our realtionship, because I want to make this work. However his jealousy and trust issues dont get altered they continue and he realizes this and makes an effort to alter his behaviors and attitudes but it always comes back. When we argue he basically calls me wrong everything I say is wrong and hes so right in his mind, sometimes i feel intimidated by his experience he has 6 years on me and has been through way more than I can ever imagine living through specifically in the party scene I'm new to that scene so sometimes I think is he right? Am I being nieve is he trying to protect me ? or is it manipulation?
He is very great person, treats me right, hes honest, kind and always trying to teach me ways to better myself or he guides me through things in life however sometimes this side comes out of him that I just shut off and dont even deal with because what I say is always wrong so whats the point in trying ?
I never drink in front of him or plan on it but I do know that I am young and am going to go out with friends but will he ever accept it ?
I am new to this so thank you for your time this isnt our only problem but this is the biggest .
By the time I was in a relationship for 5 months I was always wanting to "make it work" too. What I didn't discover until quite late on was that this is the time that we start truly getting to know the person. Months 1-6 are the lovely honeymoon period, but as we get closer to month 6, the real person starts to become apparent. Because we have more experience at our fingertips and people start to relax in the relationship. Then months 6-12 start really revealing the conflicts. So it sounds as if you are right on schedule. The conflicts should usually break up the relationship -- because compatible people are not that thick on the ground -- or you should be finding out how good the person is at negotiating the conflicts. So my question would be how good he is at negotiating the conflicts that are naturally arising. Is he looking for ways to understand and compromise? Or is it only you who is looking?
Am I right in understanding that he is an alcoholic in recovery who has been sober a number of years? It sounds as if your lifestyle, which has a lot of drinking, if I understand correctly, may indeed be at odds with his. Alcoholics in recovery have to put their recovery first or everything else goes down the tubes really fast. My questions about his worrying about cheating would be: why does he think so? Did he cheat when he was drinking? But of course the idea that drinking automatically leads to cheating is nonsense. If he truly believes this, though, I think it will take a good deal more recovery for him to get past this irrational idea. If he were already open to understanding, he'd understand already.
The best advice I ever got, and the hardest to follow, was: If he never changed at all, would you want things to go on just as they are? Because with 99.9% of people, what you see is what you get. Or as the saying is, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
I agree with Mattie 100%. You can't change others only yourself so you can accept him as is or move on. Good luck to you and come back for support. This is a wonderful site with caring people who hav been there.
To quote Mattie "The best advice I ever got, and the hardest to follow, was: If he never changed at all, would you want things to go on just as they are? Because with 99.9% of people, what you see is what you get. Or as the saying is, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
It's really hard to actually do this but it comes down to, if nothing changes, do you still want to be with him?
Your story is starting very much like mine... My wonderful, sweet & sensitive A controlled my coming & going for 26 months under the "I'' protecting you" myth - but no he was just controlling me. Trying to make us feel safe with their protection is common I have found. When I began asserting my willfulness and independence he completely lost it & it almost cost me my life that night!
I totally agree with the previous posters... When someone shows you who they are, believe them... It couldn't be truer! Nothing in my A's behavior changed for the better from month 1 to month 28... It only got worse.
I too have no problem with alcohol but I never drank.. I knew to damage it could do, I've seen it daily
Before my own eyes with my A for months & I always felt how could I drink knowing how badly it could
Destroy.
I think you have been given some great words of wisdom from these posters.. I sure wish I would have had that same advise early on to make choices based in reality... Would I stay if I knew nothing would
Improve or change?? No.. I wouldn't, and I could have saved myself from alot of heartache, misery & eventually a terrible
Violent act against me.
Find yourself and alanon meeting locally as soon as possibly. I think
You will find value in what others have lived & the information shared.
Best wishes
I have to agree with the others here. My AH was sober for 15 years(without a program) but he was exactly like your bf. He has told me that if I get a job outside the house that our marriage will be over and he will go into great detail about the kind of man I'll meet, how we'll fall in love, and how I'll leave him in the end. He has said stuff like this for our entire marriage. He can create the most outrageous scenarios and it's infuriating and really tears away at the foundation of our marriage and it tears at my heart and soul.
I wouldn't wish any of what I've been through on anyone and since you are only dating this man, I would seriously consider your commitment and time that you're putting into this relationship. If nothing changes or he gets worse, can you really see this working out? Also, if you want to continue to drink socially, that may exemplify a compatibility issue. Are you guys really that compatible with each other? And, anyone in real recovery will have to spend a LOT of time with AA and going to meetings, etc. How has that played out so far in your relationship? Honestly, I don't drink around my AH and I'm not much of a drinker anymore now. I will have a glass of wine if out with friends or sometimes at home, if AH is traveling for work, to unwind or relax while reading a book. I couldn't even tell you, though, when I last drank. It's become such a point of contention in our marriage that I just don't even care for alcohol very much.
The other thing to consider is that relapses are common. AA will tell you that they will pick up in their disease where they left off. My AH quit while we were engaged because I wouldn't marry him if he was a drinker. 15 years later he picked up drinking again and now has a DUI on his record and is using an ignition interlock on his car. We have a 14 year old now. My AH has stopped going to church, he disobeys the law by driving illegally, he takes risks, he has gotten in trouble with his boss at work, and yet he still is going to drink. I had no idea when we were dating that this could be coming at me.
I guess my point is: weigh your choices carefully, think about your relationship and compatibility, and maybe try an Al Anon meeting, too. No one here is going to tell you to change you to leave him but we can offer our own experience and hope to give you some encouragement to take care of YOU.
Thank you this is all great advice I really appreciate ... He does compromise with me however I can't seem to shake that this is who he is and it probably won't change. He has been clean for 2 years and I just feel like his over all characteristics out weigh his jealousy .. I continue to remember who he really is most of the time and I can't seem to want to let that go ... Or am I being blind is he controlling me ? What are usual characteristics of alcoholics I've seen a lot of talk about selfishness.
It sounds like he is showing his "true self" to you. Regardless of whether he is jealous or not, he may have his own insecurities about you drinking. It appears he has a hard time with it, and that's why he is giving you his "play by play". It may be time for you to evaluate the relationship and make sure it's something you want to pursue in its current state. You won't be able to change him. You can only change yourself. It's going to take some prayer and big consideration. I'm glad you came here. There is so much wisdom and experience on this forum.
I'm 43 and met and dated an alcoholic at 42, lasted 9 months (ish- weird ending). I worked hard to work my program, learn boundaries, enforce them etc. But there is one basic reality with alcoholics.
They are not available for a relationship while they are new in sobriety or active in drinking. They are stunted emotionally and cannot provide a trusting, nurturing ground for a relationship to grow in.
He is who he is. He is going to do what he does no matter what you do. If I tell you that there is nothing you can do to change how he reacts, does that change anything? Because that's more likely the truth. No one can tell you if this relationship can survive, last or not. No one can tell you what you need to do. We can only tell you what has been learned from past experiences.
I walked away from a relationship where minus the alcohol, it was the most passionate, loving, caring, giving, awesome experience I'd ever had. Months later I met a 'normie' and actually the first relationship I've had with someone who is not an alcoholic.
It was not fire and sparks but it quickly developed a friendship side first and foremost, it's "real" in that this person is not adapting to manipulate me and pretend to be someone he's not, we talk if there is miscommunication, I have a hard time trusting a relationship where there is no drama and have to fight off expecting it to come. But what I can say is, this is the most calm, serene and relaxed I've ever been in a relationship.
I think it is very very hard to take things slow in a relationship with an alcoholic. They tend to take up the whole picture.
I am not sure why and how your boyfriend knows what you are doing at all times when you are "dating". Are you living together?
The issue of trust in a relationship is a big one for most people and usually involves ongoing negotiation. It isn't a "given".
Controlling people can be pretty difficult to deal with. I have been around people who are controlling and one thing I would note is they can't hear "no".
If someone can't hear "no" in a relationship it isn't a relationship it is a dictatorship. Of course if you are already "attached" it is pretty difficult to undo that attachment.
In an early relationship much of the work is about getting to know one other rather than please one another and conform to the demands of each other.
There are some bottom lines some people have and some bottom lines others have. The idea of a relationship is about both people having bottom lines rather than one controlling he whole issue of what's acceptable and what isn't. Sometimes we have to look at what are out bottom lines. For me it is not to be controlled through every day of my life. After being in al anon for a long time I can walk away from someone who tries to control me.
