The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In my experience , when my sonspoke as such I decided that it did not matter what he was looking for, it mattered how I wanted to respond. I responded by expressing my unconditional love, belief in him and life itself.
I would validate my love for him from the time he was born and express my belief that life is difficult and that it is a journey filled with challenges and learning experiences.
That I believe that we are each capable of having a successful life as long as we are willing to accept the help and support offered to us. He could be well and have a successful life if he chooses the support of AA and doctors.
I would treat him with respect, courtesy and compassion but take care of myself.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 13th of January 2013 09:55:12 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 13th of January 2013 10:35:12 PM
One time my son said he might as well throw himself in front of a train. I did the wrong thing and went ballistic on him and also said I never wanted to talk to him again if he thinks that much of himself. He said it was only to get my attention and I went off on him again. I haven't and will never do that again but I understand where your at. You hate to see your child go through so much pain.
All we can do is pray and ask for help to overcome the crisis. Tell him you love him but to help again will only give him the soft landing.....and this might be the crisis that will get him to seek help.
Remember to Let Go and Let God..... I have to say it ALL THE TIME because I will slip if I don't keep it with me every minute.
-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Sunday 13th of January 2013 09:55:45 PM
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
When they tell you their life is a series of !!!!ups. And that you should have had him aborted before he was born. Just basically down, down in the dumps....how in heaven's name do you respond to that?
ESH very welcome.
Oldergal
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
When my children start talking like this or even my ex AH, they seemed to be looking for either an argument....someone to try to tell them "No you're not a bad mess up...etc" or they are just wanting someone to join in the conversation and get an argument going. Whatever I ever said, it was always a starting point to join their poor me's and why me's....sort of a validation for them to have an excuse to continue drinking or drugs or whatever.
Sometimes I found when I didn't know what to say to just say nothing and hand it all over to my HP.
Sometimes we just like to "wallow" in misery for a while.
I have no experience in this area, but my AH has said that he wanted to commit suicide many times. I try to be loving without being overdramatic. Not sure how that looks to others, but it's how I would describe it. It's funny how your post brought back the memory of how my alcoholic father told me that they should have aborted me so that his life wouldn't have been ruined. He was angry at my mother for divorcing him and since they got married because she was pregnant with me, he threw that jab out at me(among many other nasty things he said). A's say awful things, whether they be your children, your spouse, or your parent. I'm sorry you are struggling. Give him up to your Higher Power and take care of YOU!
What is the alcoholic looking for: To have you validate them and join them in their pity party.
I was at the depths of self-hate and I did feel that way about myself at one time. What I know now is that I was seeing things through a haze of both depression and alcoholism (and both those things were feeding off each other).
If someone is really that depressed, I'd assess if they really want to kill themselves and if so, the hospital is the place for them. You are not the one to be dealing with a suicidal alcoholic. When we hit bottom, MANY of us do so in hospitals, psych wards, jail, etc... Of course it often takes multiple trips to such places. BUT, in order to get sober, the big book discusses that we typically experience an "incomprehensible demoralization." Hence, I might tell your son, "Not everything you have done is a big @#$ up, but some of your choices have not been good. It's never too late to change. The fact that you feel bad about your life suggests that you are tired of the outcomes you've been getting. I'm proud of you for recognizing your mistakes, but don't sell yourself short on the ability to do better a day at a time." You cannot build a better life while stuck in a muck of regrets about what you have done up to this point. From that point I would suggest recovery and then detach as to whether he takes your suggestion or not.
I remember calling the AA hotline and screaming that I felt like an empty shell of a person. I still called 1 more time and had an alcohol related car crash before coming into AA. My point is...just about all of us in recovery HAD to get to the point of feeling so worthless and then some ray of light (God I guess) or a moment of clarity shines in and we start our recovery journey. I can only pray that your son has that moment. He is clearly having the desperation.
