The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My Ason 29 is having marital troubles and probably will be separating real soon. I am sick to my stomach that he may be heading my way for a temporary shelter. He's only been married for 6 months to an incredibly beautiful, and sensitive woman, she is doing her best to work it out with not very much success. I can only tell her about Al-anon and hope she will respond positively. I have been reading and meetings and keeping up with my study of Al-anon, but it still strikes terror to my heart that I may have to hear his problems again. I am retirement age and don't want to have to deal with this anymore I think I have the strength with my HP and support here on this site but I am so afraid to see him on the streets again....my heart is heavy and my eyes are full of tears again. I am a fool to think this is over yet. I have to be ready and strong for this and so ALL ESH is appreciated.....thankyou Oldergal
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
I'm so sorry...I know how you feel. I don't even want to think about what it's going to be like when my son is homeless but I won't let him live here...I won't. I have been working on me this whole weekend getting ready when my son is off his binge and starts calling me. I won't answer. I have to be strong for him so he will know I'm done with his madness and I will not let him use me anymore. If he wants to get well he can do it on his own. I'm not his savor anymore.
It hurts but I'm just killing him anyways with my interfering...just need to keep that in my mind.
I pray for my strength and courage to change my ways and Let God continue to take care of him the way he sees fit. That's all I can do..
I love him very much just like you love your son so just pray they will seek help someday.
((((( hugs )))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
i feel for you as im sure you have had some peace of mind since hes been married. i think its okay to make decisions that protect your serenity, after all you worked hard to get it. you can say no to your son but you could offer him support with his own home. he is old enough to live alone and you have valuable peace to protect.x
I so understand your anxiety and pain. I found that once I accepted that I was truly powerless over this dreadful disease I could treat my son with kindness, courtesy, respect and compassion and still take care of myself. I could point him to the AA hotline, detox, rehabs and HP I could then take myself to an alanon meeting or call my sponsor. The courage, serenity and wisdom, that were necessary were given to me one second, one moment at time. You are not alone.
If you take him in while he is on a self-destruct mission, that will likely wind up as a very negative situation. If he was to go to rehab, start going to daily AA meetings and then come up with a time line for when he will move forward, that might be a situation where "helping" was useful. Even in that circumstance, you'd want boundaries set that if he relapsed or went backwards, he would need to go. Alcoholics don't understand that they can get through things without self-sabotaging. They seriously think drinking is the natural response to a divorce and do not recognize that other folks do move foward no matter what. I had to learn in AA that I could not afford self-pity and I have to keep moving forward no matter what. No life circumstance merits me going back to self-destruct mode. ZERO. I can't force that knowledge into your son's head and neither can you. He will either get the gift of desperation this time or not. Like I said in your other post. He sounds like he's at a bottom and a bottom is necessary to begin real recovery much of the time.
You don't have to hear sob stories. You can set limits and boundaries about only supporting solution and keep steering back to that. Joining him in feeling sorry for himself is only going to keep him stuck in a pit of disease.
From my own experience, I know I had to go through like a 2nd adolescence after getting sober. Prior to that, the temptation and drive to elicit enabling was just too strong. I HAD to live on my own in order to stay sober and grow up. Living in a shelter or halfway house is not such a bad place to start IF a person is really dedicating themselves to recovery. That is a sufficient bottom to start working up from. If they are not ready for recovery, anywhere they go is just another stop on the path to self-destruction.
If he is anything like how I was, he is terrified knowing he really can't take care of himself and the only 2 options for being taken care of are you and/or his wife. It will probably be best if he lives without anyone that could enable him for a while until he learns to be a healthier person. If he doesn't get that period of independence, he'll leap from caretaker to caretaker and stay sick.
Just my thoughts, and as you know, addiction can trump all of our best plans and what "should" and "could" happen. You could respond with all the "best" informed advice and help etc...and the result might still be ongoing addiction. We are powerless over that and that's what alanon is for. You already seem to have a good knowledge of alanon so I am just giving my ESH from the alcoholic's perspective and what I went through.
