The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Staying with my parents has been challenging. I can see that their anxiety builds up and they release it on me. They think they don't trust me when really they don't trust each other or themselves. I am in fact the smokescreen for their troubles. Mom looks me right in the face and says things all day that are manipulations - example: asking me questions about my life that we both know she has the answers to, to see if I'll explain myself away anyway, and "telling on me" to my father in an effort to get everyone riled up and pitt my father and me against each other (which he happily plays into). After they've gotten relief, everything is great again, they're happy and wonderful to me.
This is the way I learned to have sick relationships. But today I know the difference. I try to be as honest as I can but sometimes it comes right down to my getting my needs met so she gets me good.
I yearn to be free of this. I yearn to have my own place again. I believe after this experience I will be so grateful to be in my own place again that any hard work I have to do to remain separate and free (while still showing up when necessary) will be met with utter gratitude on my part!
I consider this a challenge of growth in recovery.
One part of me says, "Go get a roommate situation if necessary and get the heck out from under and do it now. You'll never stop abusing yourself with cigarettes until you love yourself and respect yourself enough to detach from this insanity. They own your power which is unhealthy for you. Are you really changing? Is anything really changing?" The other part of me says, "Learn to tolerate your mother and father, as abusive as they are, it's all emotional, you can do it - and take the apartment they're willing to give you, even if they dole it out to you crumb by crumb with utter control to the day you move into it and while you're there."
Get the heck out and save myself and stop saving them from themselves and having to choose God, or love and tolerate? That's the choice!
But wait - isn't that black and white thinking? Isn't there a way to take their $ help with an apartment and set boundaries anyway? (Laughable, right?) I don't know what to do.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Sunday 13th of January 2013 06:35:54 AM
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Sunday 13th of January 2013 06:45:39 AM
Hi, It sounds like you have already worked out what you need. It's an awful place to be, like in limbo, trying to work out what to do for the best. Try working through the steps and hand the situation to God and listen carefully for your answer. X
It sounds as if you are again in the need to "Talk it over and reason it out".You do know that your parents are not in a program of recovery and have little chance of changing. Acceptance is the key. It is clear that you understand your options. Both are valid and would prove workable for you. I like the idea of praying for guidance and listening for the still small voice within.
