The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, all. New to the group; first posting. I ran into (subsequently fell in love, got engaged to) an old friend from school. We both have histories; I am a member of NA, recovered and sober for almost three years. He is a recovering alcoholic, sober for over a year, up until 50 days ago. He is 38 and a stage four alcoholic. Thankfully, I dragged him to an AA meeting a few Sundays ago when we had planned on going to church but he was drunk when I arrived. Though, God has His hands on this. For the first time ever in his years of killing himself with Vodka (last binge, which resulted in him requiring resuscitation after severe D.T.s), he is embracing AA, as well as the 12 Steps and the wonderful group of supporters at AA. Having never been on this side of addiction (meaning, I KNOW what I WAS using, I know what I am sober, but I do NOT know how to handle supporting/loving/standing beside this man I love without the previously thought beaten codependency factor kicking in), I am not sure where I fit into all this. I thank God that he is well! Ironically, I now am down, and not because he's well, but because the dynamics have changed, which I anticipated but was simply unaware of how much and how rapidly they would change. We just had words as he is pushing me to go to Al-Anon, as well as NA/AA meetings in person (online is not good enough, despite my random retail working hours); I told him to focus on HIS sobriety, as he cannot control mine, nor anyone else's. The need to control is there, whether an addict or the loved one of an addict, and it's something I have to work on in a serious manner. Anyone with words of wisdom, feel free to share. :) I also, on an embarassing note, have noticed my insecurities of infidelity arising, as a woman at his favorite group has been a bit too chummy (she is married, they are having issues, etc), but again, FEAR of bonds being formed with folks who are in the same boat versus the one I was in/am in, is rearing its ugly head. This has been draining, as I'm sure most of you can relate to. Thank you in advance for your wisdom. God bless.
Congratulations on your recovery and NA attendance I would like to suggest that adding a few alanon meetings into your weekly schedule would be very helpful in answering the issues that you are experiencing.
Learning how to keep the focus on ourselves, acting in our own best interests and not reacting, are powerful tools that help us be supportive in our relationship without loosing our true selves.
This is a tough call. The boundaries you are proposing are messy and unclear. If you think about it from the stand point of you having 3 years sobriety and him having 50 days....you really don't need to be involved with him. On the other hand, it sounds like you were involved before he relapsed. Either way, if you want to 12 step him, don't date him. If you want to date him, you might benefit from an alanon program. Tough call. Put your own sobriety first though. Don't let this guy take you out of your own program.
As a recovering alcoholic who's been thru the 12 steps as outlined in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and also knowing today that I'm a codependent, my choice after everything I've been through in trying to be with guys who have a lot less sobriety than me or no program of recovery is that I would never be with an alcoholic who has not been sober for quite some time AND through the work in the Big Book. Even then we are still alcoholics and have twisted thinking so it's challenge enough even WITH the 12 steps.
Others may have different opinions but that's the choice I made for me. Until I have grown enough to be truly ready for this kind of relationship I stay with God and my fellows.
Thank you all so much for the responses and the wisdom/experience in each; I will reply individually later this evening, I hope. I have the flu and am making (though, somewhat feeble) an attempt to go to work. I am thankful to be here...and, I will keep coming back. :)
