The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I listen to him and his promises to change and work on our relationship each and every time he's feeling guilty or scared that Im really going to leave this time. And I buy it. Like a total sucker. I remain so hopeful even though it now takes only about a day or two before I see how it's all bs. That the cycle will continue and pick back up shortly. I wonder if Im making a big deal out of nothing, just a few beers while he's out playing golf. Sounds harmless. But there's so much back story that makes it a big deal. So many problems and arguments fueled by his excessive drinking and then there's his complete inability to stop... Even now when I hope he can be somewhat reliable/mentally present for the imminent arrival of our baby. It's always "just a couple beers."
Hugs, Abtmc! It sounds like you're coming out of denial. There is a saying in the rooms of Al Anon that goes: Awareness, Acceptance, Action. For me, I'm working on acceptance. I became aware first that my husband's drinking was becoming a serious problem and then I had to work on accepting 'what is'. I had to accept that he was playing me, I had to accept that his promises were empty, and I had to accept that he was progressing in his disease(even though he's a binge drinker). His attitude is changing as he realizes he wants to drink, despite getting a DUI, and it's caused us much heartache. Yet, I know that I am learning through Al Anon that I just have to take care of ME, and our son(he's 14). We had a HUGE backstory too, and he constantly throws it in my face that I hold it all against him. It was stuff that happened 20 years ago, I have forgiven him and have moved on, but his disease uses it as an excuse for blame shifting, changing the subject, etc.
Anyway, keep coming back. Get to as many face to face meetings as you can because they truly will become lifesavers for you. And, remember, that if someone's drinking is a problem for you then it's a problem, no matter what others may say or think. Getting help for YOU should be a primary concern for yourself. Hang in there, you will have so much self awareness and I honestly thank my AH because if it hadn't been for his alcoholism, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to work on myself and develop a relationship with my Higher Power.
I love awareness, acceptance and action. I am still getting awareness about myriad things in all my relationships and I can't take action until I accept what is and then figure out what to do about it, if anything. But it all starts with awareness. If I am not aware then I am living in fantasyland.
Hi abtmc It is evident that his drinking is upsetting you That is the only requirement for attending alanon. Alanon helped me to learn to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, acting in my own best interest instead of RE acting to my partners actions.
Please checkout meetings and attend You will find help, support and clarity
It's interesting how this is the same thing as my situation with my parents. Except with parents I didn't choose them so leaving isn't as easy an option. AAA...but the action part is what most have trouble with. Is the action leaving or tolerating? That's always the choice.
