Recovery is harder in some ways...I'm more miserable than ever - Al-Anon Family Group

SuzanneSC · Member

Recovery is harder in some ways...I'm more miserable than ever

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Suzanne

Please, please check out the alanon hotline in your local telephone book, find a meeting and attend. We who live with this disease need a program of recovery all our own.

In alanon we develop new tools to live by. We learn that we are completely powerless over others and need to learn to place the power and control back into our own hands for our lives. We practice keeping the focus on ourselves, living one day at a time, trusting a higher power.

There is help and hope Please keep coming here as well

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Suzanne,

I agree Alanon is the place for you to have your place and time for your own recovery. What I have heard other people say when their spouse went into recovery the non A actually got worse and their behavior was crazier than before. Just like you said .. at least before you knew what to expect and it was very low, now more than ever that feeling of walking on eggshells.

The other thing I can share is the first 2 years of recovery for the AA, they are going to be growing up during that time and truly becoming sober for the first time and having to grow up based upon when they started their addiction. That is just the beginning of their recovery as AA is about sobriety and then there is living sober two totally different animals.

The blessing that you have is that your spouse did choose recovery and no it's not going to be a straight line .. recovery is never a straight line for anyone. There are past hurts to learn to deal with and move forward from and there are behaviors that took years to learn and unlearning them doesn't happen over night. None of us got here overnight.

Keep coming back and do as has been suggested you will find out you are not alone and there is face to face help and support.

Hugs P :)

SuzanneSC · Member

Am I the crazy one? That is a horrible thought, though I wonder how much time I spend overreacting vs taking care of myself. I go to al anon once a week, but I think I really need a sponsor. I see a therapist who has been very helpful. I am just in such a state because he had a mental breakdown about a month ago and ended up in a psych ward for a week with a diagnosis of either bipolar or schitzoaffective. Now he is on meds that he says make him disorganized, scattered and feel worse. He blames the breakdown on not eating, stress and a stomach bug but I don't think the cops would have dragged him away in handcuffs if something more wasn't going on. And the hospital wouldn't have kept him so long. But he blames it all on me, which he would have done when he was still drinking.

anyway the issues are complex and so I don't know if I am dealing with recovery, mental illness, or my own hang ups. I think if I knew his behavior was just part of recovery I could deal better, but I am always worried he is going to do something crazy that will hurt the family (last time he spent 6 thousand at Target, he still sometimes thinks it was reasonable).

I know I have to focus on myself and my kids, I just get so anxious about what he is doing. He was so kind and humble when he first started AA, now he is unreasonable and stubborn. I guess th novelty is wearing off for him.

Thank you for letting me vent. I am blessed he is in recovery, it is just so much harder than I thought it would be.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

There's no clear answer. That type of spending spree sounds like manic or at least hypomanic behavior to me (bipolar). You would think that stopping drinking would ease up a lot of stress, but it is often so stressful for the alcoholic that it does trigger genuine mental health breakdown. The other posibility is that he had the bipolar all along and it was being numbed and doused by alcohol so much that it wasn't showing up. Only time will reveal if the bipolar symptoms are temporary or not.

It's hard to say what is overreacting and what is legit concerns when dealing with someone who is so unpredictable. A person in early sobriety is moody enough...add potential legit diagnosis of bipolar... I don't blame you for being on guard.

This does not mean you can't work on detaching more and still taking better care of you. You have time to assess whether the changes you want to see in order for you two to stay compatible are occurring or not (or even if he has the potential to be as well as you need in a partner). You don't need to know this minute how much he will recover and get better. You can focus on you and figure out how to best meet your own needs and then later, you will be far better equipped to make a decision about the relationship.

Lastly, you are not a bad person if you do decide enough is enough. For better, for worse sort of implies that you are taking a journey with someone that will bounce back. It means you ride out the storms, not that you stay in the rain forever with someone. Your HP has a plan for you and it does not involve suffering through this madness forever. Keep going to Alanon and reaching out for help.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

You thought that if and when he stopped drinking everything would get better just like everyone else of us did and then we got the message..."Our only problem is us and our only solution is God" When I got into Al-Anon they asked me the very confusing question of "what is your part in it? and I responded duuuuuh...what!? And then I heard the 4th step read in my meeting and I wasn't any dumby to figure out the pronoun used...ourselves. WHAT!!?? She's the one who is drinking and using...why am I supposed to look at the problem this way? Well my life go a ton better when I started to work the program the way everyone else who was peaceful and serene was. They had what I wanted and so I just gave up trying to do it my way. Recovery is harder when I do it my way cause my way never works.

There is no law that says you have to keeping doing it the way you are doing it getting the same old results. Keep coming back...In support.

Number30 · Member

I'm right there with you. AddictH has been clean for a couple weeks and this hell is so much worse. I now hear "I can't help it" to everything and anything. Plus, he uses the crutch "I lost all emotion, and I have emotions like a toddler now, so I can't help XYZ reaction/outburst/etc". True, his emotions and thoughts are on a child level, but some days I want to scream "grow up like the rest of us are!!" Well, with a lot more cuss words, lol! ;) I don't have words of wisdom, but wanted to tell you you're not alone. I really appreciate the responses you've gotten and this board is a lifesaver every day. Keep coming back. :)

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I truly believe my hubby has other issues than just the drinking issue. I learned to detach by getting busy. And when I was busy I couldn't get sucked into his drama or his rediculousness. What to do about his shopping? Well, let him shop if there is money. Make him take it back to the store and do the returns if there is no money. Hide money if you have to have some to pay your bills. Just get out of his way and let him fall, same as if he were drinking. My hubby now is quite angry that I am not "involved/supportive" more in his life. But I did that game for 35 years. Now it is time to live my own life.

SuzanneSC · Member

Thank you everyone, you have such good perspective which I am seriously working on. This board saved my sanity today! one day at a time....

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I didn't read every post but read all of yours here. I, too, believe that my AH is dealing with a personality disorder and mental illness. He has been a binge drinker so the drinking wasn't really the biggest problem in our marriage, until he got a DUI. He drinks until black out many times because once he starts he can't stop. After being in marriage counseling for a few months, the counselor got frustrated with my AH and told him he needs individual counseling so AH is going to a psychologist now but I don't think he'll keep it up because the marriage therapist told us to come back in a month, he doesn't think weekly sessions are good for me or for us right now and that means AH's accountability factor is gone.

Anyway, my point is that when you are dealing with mental illness, AA may not be enough, even though my AH shuns AA like the plague. My AH has been making large debits and taking out money. He hides it somewhere and I am trying to keep track of the amounts so that I know exactly how much is missing. Right now, it's not hurting us financially too badly. Like MaryJane, I am trying to just live my life and I'm working at protecting what I can financially. My AH will act fine one day and be very friendly with the family and then a few days later he turns away from us, hides in his office, and acts like we're his enemies. I've lived with this for 18 years, 15 of which he wasn't even drinking. I used to wonder what mental health issue I was dealing with all those years, up, down, up down, screaming, ranting, paranoia, scary angry outbursts, etc. It drove me crazy and now that I have Al Anon, I can truly say that it doesn't have to be crazy making.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I vety much believe we must protect our family from this disease. If the spending is out of control and it will hurt my family, i will do what I can to limit it. He is sick, that is not a stange thing to do.

You don't want to bottom financially on top of everything else.

yes ONE day. Do what you can that day and let things go. I even would make a list in the morn. do it all then stop and do what I wanted to.

If you protect yourself from the behavior you can let it go and not allow his disease to make you sick. I took money and put it in my own account. put limits on credit cards etc.

Keep coming! love,debilyn

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