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I am new to this site, and as of this weekend, I am new to al-anon. My husband has not drank in two years. We have been married for ten years and he drank for all of those years, yet seemed to become more of an issue as the years went on. He made his life work around his drinking. It seems I have experienced all that comes with being married to an alcoholic spouse. Lies, spending money on unknown things and places, taking no responsibility for the kids, driving drunk, never accepting an invite out w friends, stressing out over family events, as I was sure to be mortified, etc. The last year he was drinking, it was terrible...everything just spiraled and he ended up in the hospital with pancreatitis, one week before my second child was due. He did not come to one pre-natal appt. Not that he even could have as he was always drunk. He detoxed in the hospital and has not had a drink since. He sees a psych but just started AA this week.
He sees me as the issue. He feels he did this great thing for our family by getting sober and doesnt understand why i am not supportive. He feels like he changed our lives and should be praised. Honestly, I use everything I have to make sure my kids are well taken care of, I certainly don't have anything left for myself and I find it very hard to want to gve my husband any type of support or a minute of my time because he put me through hell. I am so angry. He says it's a disease and he had no control over it and he can only control the future. It's as if I am supposed to forget the past and help HIM. What about us?? Is this normal or not that I am still so angry two years later? He feels like he is a great husband and father, but honestly he spends 95% of his time downstairs away from the family and thinks an occasional trip to mcdonalds and doing a load of launry makes him this great person. He doesnt even know my son's teacher's name...or any details about us. Why is it all about him?
I just found a therapist and local al-anon meetings as I finally feel like I can start to deal with all this. I just wanted to see if anyone else has felt like this? I work full time and have full responsibility of the kids and definitely feel overwhelmed at times. He even left for a night this week bc he feels unsupported and got angry that I asked him not to discuss inappropriate issues in front of the kids. He keeps threatening to leave, but honestly, I don't think it's such a bad idea. I do worry about him relapsing though but I think he is trying to use that against me. Any advice?
How can he not see what he did to us? He tells me all the time that I am going to make him drink again.
I am also new to this sight and am married to an alcoholic that is in denial of his need for help, but has been sober now for 10 months after a peak incident. I am envious that your husband is even willing to go to al-anon meetings. I tried to be supportive of the changes he made, but around the 8 month mark I became overwhelmed by this latent anger--essentially anger I had put on hold during all of the times I had been focused on nurturing us as a family. He didn't understand even when I explained it to him, because to him, nothing was going wrong around the 8 month mark, and my anger, to him, was coming from nowhere. He also didn't understand the build-up and background of the anger, because he felt like he had done this amazing thing by quitting drinking, and saw my anger as being ungrateful for the changes he had made.
I don't know what to say to be of help, but I wanted you to know that I think your anger is normal enough, because mine seemed normal enough.
I don't know your situation, and offhand telling you that you are making him drink doesn't sound like he's evolved into his understanding of alcoholism much yet (mine hasn't either), but I will say this much: my anger took me over at a time when I began to trust that things really were better. I too wondered if he left, if it would really be such a bad thing, because I was so burned out on all of the WORK having him around required. And normal relationships take enough work as it is to maintain! I just wanted to collapse and take a break from it all. I didn't know what the next day would bring, if we would stay together or separate. It wasn't about the state or timeline of our relationship. Just that I truly could believe that the changes were real, and that I could be comfortable in that knowledge. It is my hope that, regardless of whether you and your husband stay or remain together, that this anger means something is going right in your world.
What you are feeling, the anger, resentments , and exhaustion are perfect examples of how alcoholism affects the family and why we all need a program of recovery. Alanon is an organization of people who have lived with this disease and understand as few others can Please find the face to face meetings in your community AND ATTEND
Aloha grajac and beekee and welcome to the board...what you're both going thru is normal for the disease...sick and normal because as Hotrod has mentioned the disease has affected you and he and the family. Being alcoholic doesn't mean you know what ups up or how things work...it should mean that your mind, body, spirit and emotions are all damaged and you shouldn't use them, you should be using help from other who know what recovery is about where the alcoholic has no idea. Aloha did a post on why trying to be rational with irrational people...look further down the stream and you'll see it...It is a winner and so is she. While in the disease I use to think that I was the rational one with an alcoholic/addict wife until she was gone...out of the way...and I got to look at myself only. Guess what? I found a man who was from another planet in need of some very serious help from Al-Anon. I got into the program and stayed...I still work on being and staying sane...having sanity...or as I learned the definition of in the program..."having a continuous and orderly process of thinking" which is full time program work for me. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Thank you all for taking the time to write back, I really do appreciate that.
As i said, my husband has been sober for two years, yet just started AA. Maybe he fits the definition of a "dry drunk" at this point. He's been to three meetings and already I received a letter from him this morning saying he is starting to get how he has not been able to look beyond himself. In a way I just wanted him to leave and I want to move on. I am not sure if it is way too late and now from this letter I am feeling so guilty and wonder if i can move on from someone that is going to actually try to make a difference in his life. But then maybe that has been my problem all along, that I always put him and his addiction first before me. This is all very new and I am so excited to start getting help to figure this all out.
MY AH drank for 32 of our 35 years together, before he found sobiety. Believe me, I had a whole trunk full of anger, resentments, and I had just had it. But I have learned in Alanon that the only way you can be happy is to make yourself happy, whatever that takes. I have also learned to forgive, because it frees YOUR soul. When you carry all those resentments inside you, they change you, and for me, it wasn't for the better. At the end of the day, the only person that knows and understands your resentments and anger is you. I decided that I didn't want to live that way anymore. It has taken alot of hard work and self analysis, but it HAS worked. I am happy and you can be too. Read the 12 steps and try to live by them. They will truly change your life and all the people around you will be happier too. Good luck to you and remember... EVERY day is a NEW day and miracles CAN happen!!
If he can keep up with AA, i predict he will change his tune radically, but the focus of Alanon is on you. You have healing to do also. I guess the question to really ask is how much are you masquerading your anger as anger at HIM when it's really anger at yourself. If it was only anger at him, you would have left probalby, It's way more complicated and it is about you. His disease created trauma and sick patterns of reacting for you also. Alanon can help you get through this.
