The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
'I too am glad you found us Please follow up on that Face to Face meeting that you are planning to attend. Pick up some literature and begin the process of YOUR recovery. We who live with this disease need to break the isolation and obtain the support that only those who live with ths disease can give.
Keep coming here as well . You are not alone and there is hope
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 12th of January 2013 12:19:42 AM
Hi everyone! I just realized today there is actually an Al Anon site. I have never been to a meeting and plan to go next week to one during my lunch break. As is the case with many family members living with an alcoholic, my AH is tearing me down emotionally and it's beginning to affect me physically because I don't eat right and can't sleep. I remarried five years ago after a long marriage of 23 years to my first husband. My first husband rarely drank alcohol, but there were other issues which involved young girls. We have three wonderful sons who are in there twenties, two in college and one married. They know my current husband drinks, but I don't think they know to what extent he drinks. I think he is a functioning alcoholic. He can go without a drink for a day, but then he makes up for it at night a couple of days later. I just realized a month or so ago that he has started hiding it from me. He denies it, but I know he is. He progressively gets drunker at home when there is no more beer in the frig. He makes several trips to the garage. I simply cannot seem to control my anger. I have read that Al Anon will tell me to let it go and make myself better. How can I let this go and watch him destroy himself and our love for each other? He is self-employed and works when he wants to. He gives me just enough to cover his half of the bills. Also, he owes the IRS and child support and doesn't seem to care if either gets paid. I am beginning to lose all respect for him and I get so angry! He has threatened me only one time, but I am afraid that when my son gets married this summer and moves out the drinking will only get worse and he can get more confrontational. I cannot pay our bills without his income so I leaving him is not an option. He has told me that he has no plans to stop drinking and said just last night that he enjoys his beer. I told him I wasn't sure I can continue to live with him under those conditions. He said nothing. We just go round and round on this emotional roller coaster. He won't drink as much for a few days until he thinks I am calmed down, then he will start coming home every day whistling with his six-pack in hand. Oh, a question I have is this....I read online that an alcoholic is depressed. He only seems depressed when he is NOT drinking. When he is drinking he is smiling, conversational and wants to be intimate (which lately disgusts me when he is drinking). If I don't play along with his mood and be happy with him, he then can get confrontational. Sorry to be so long-winded. I really have no one else to talk to about this. I try to hide this from family and most friends.
I hear you loud and clear! Glad you are here. I am new too, so I don't have your answers and honestly I can't give you any. I can however, relate to what you feel. My trigger was the sound of the beer can. (ugg, it puts my stomach in knots) or the constant running out to the shed. The frisky behavior that he would display only when about to pass out. I would think to myself, "wait...this is not normal behavior." and it's not. Alcoholics are sick, but will only get better when they decide too. When I started going to alanon I never realized that I needed to get better. Please go to a face to face meeting, grab all the books and pamphlets you can and read read read....It has helped me tremendously. Until then, know you aren't alone, and I send you love and peace, one day at a time...and it starts as soon as you want it to! ((((hug))))
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! I know, I cringe when I hear the "pop" on the cans and even when he tries to kiss me with his body reeking of alcohol. I went to one Al Anon meeting a long time ago and I didn't feel very welcomed. I am going to try another next week. Hugs to you too!!!
So glad you found us! WE are in a MIP meeting right now in the chat room (you can get there from the link above) Our topic tonight it "taking care of ourselves". I thought it might help you with some of your questions, until you can get to a face to face meeting. I'm chairing tonight, so come on in! I'll write more in response to your thread, after the meeting. I'd better get back there now! LOL
Keep coming back, it works if you work it!
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Thank you Betty and Overcome! I think the chat room meetings would be good for me. I feel so alone with this now and need the support. He may get angry about me joining Al Anon, but, oh well....I cannot keep letting him drag me down!
hello cheryl, im sorry you are feeling isolated and im glad you have reached out here. i would recomend alanon meetings. that is where i am learning new ways to live with this damaging and awful disease. i have been where you are like everyone on this forum and in meetings. there is hope, you can recover and you can be happy.take care.x
I'm sorry Cheri, that you are going though this. I have been there and I know how mind numbingly frustrating it is to have no control over someone else's destructive actions. It's so hard to see some else make choices that impact you and your entire life. My husband has not had a drink in two years, yet is just starting AA now and hopefully will see all of the destruction he has caused for this family. I am just starting to deal with it my self by going to alanon and getting help. I am so hurt, angry and resentful. The last year he drank, I started to protect him less and are less exudes and opened up to people around me. I was done. What surprised me is that everyone already knew what it took me longer to know and accept. I wish I let go of that embarrassment earlier. I have nothing to be ashamed of and neither do you. It's amazing that when you start to open up about things, how many people are actually going through the same exact thing you are. People that even look like they have the perfect life. We all have something... i'm just proud of us that we seem to be reaching out to get help for our "thing".
Oh and I wanted to add that I always thought my husband was a functional A as well, yet realized quickly that there was nothing functional about the way we were living. I also kept changing my description of what functional meant to me...I was just trying to cope instead of deal. Again, this is two years out and I am still just starting to even try to "deal".
Welcome, and I'm so glad you found this board. I'm a newbie too, and have found great comfort and support here, along with face to face meetings.
I've been with my husband for 25+ years, married for 20. Alcohol and drugs were always a part of his life, but like others have said, I kept changing my definition of "functional" until just a couple of months ago. I finally realized how out of control things had become that I needed to involve his family in this problem, after trying to hide it from them for so long. And just like others here have written, once I opened up, I was surprised to hear that his family and friends all knew, and some knew things about his drinking that he had kept hidden from me.
Alcoholism is a disease of secrecy and I believe the first step in healing is deciding to stop keeping secrets. It has been a hard couple of months for me, but I am feeling less isolated now. I've shared my concerns with my brother-in-law, and some of my very close friends, who are all very supportive.
I encourage you to find a meeting, read the literature, and focus on taking care of yourself.
Sorry I didn't get back to you last night, but was kinda tired when the meeting was over. I thought I'd start with your last question and work up. "Oh, a question I have is this....I read online that an alcoholic is depressed. He only seems depressed when he is NOT drinking. When he is drinking he is smiling, conversational and wants to be intimate (which lately disgusts me when he is drinking)." Often, yes there are underlying mental health issues that cause them to drink. I have heard it often said in open AA meetings by the alcoholic in recovery, "Alcohol wasn't the problem, alcohol was the solution." I think this means that they can't cope with life on life's terms and they use alcohol to cope, thus being their 'solution'. That is why once they reach their bottom (and only they will know when that is) they need the support of AA to learn to cope without the alcohol.
One thing that is taught in our program is the 3 C's... I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. Detaching with love from the alcoholic is something else you will learn to do in this program. You asked, "How can I let this go and watch him destroy himself and our love for each other? "This too is difficult. I believe that learning to detach from the alcoholic and allowing him to suffer the consequences of his own choices without any interferance from us, is the best approach. If we are doing our best to care for ourselves and work our own program, and turn the focus off them and onto us... we often find they will seek help for themselves, when they see the program is working for us. However, this can not be our main goal, we have to be sincererly interested in changing to improve our own lives first, sometimes they will follow that example and other times not.
I also agree with hotrod, find a local f2f group if you can, and continue to come here. When in the thick of dealing with the disease you need all the support you can get, so that you don't feel so alone. I also wanted to address the threats, if there has been one there will be more. I know for myself, when I started making decisions in my best interest and he saw that I was getting stronger emotionally he became more desperate and more violence prone. The decision to leave or stay doesn't have to be made immediately, unless your welfare, or that of your son who is living with you is at risk.. in that case there are shelters available, (I have been down this road also) and there are ways to deal with the financial part of it. You DO NOT have to live in fear. Going to a f2f al-anon group and getting a sponsor with some time in the program can also help you with some of these more difficult decisions.
Good luck to you in your journey Cheri and keep coming back!
Lisa
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
This is the first chance I've had to log onto the site since Friday and I have to admit I teared up reading all your posts. Such a wonderful feeling to know there are people who care and can relate to what I am going through. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish hurt, nor pain, on anyone. It's just that I have felt so alone with this and other sites I have been to in the past there seemed to be no support. Thank you all so much! You have given me some good advice and I know that it's time for me to get better. His disease has affected me mentally, as well as physically and I have to learn to be happy again. I love him, but I can't change him.
While having my coffee at work this morning I read over your posts again. You are so right, there is nothing functional in alcoholism. I sat here thinking how I stay on an emotional roller coaster with my husband. By the way, after I told him last week that I don't see this marriage working he is (again) trying to refrain from alcohol. It won't last, never does. He is just trying to be nice long enough for me to get over the last drunk episode he had last week, then he will come bopping in from work every afternoon with his six-pack. His sister is celebrating her recent marriage with a party (11 hours from where we live) and he was angry because I don't want to go. His sister is an alcoholic too and I told him that I would not have a good time. I tend to lash out and say things that I know really do not help. I said to him, "please go and get so drunk at the drunk fest. We need some time apart". He says he is not going without me. Lisa, you mentioned underlying mental issues. I do believe this is true. I have seen his personality change so quickly. His real father was an alcoholic who left them when he was only six. He is still angry about this. Also, he does not want to accept financial responsibilities. He is self-employed and has a tax issue which he refuses to deal with. Also, there is a matter of unpaid child support. I have begged him to call IRS and he won't. I have begged him to give me money to mail for child support, and he won't saying "it does not good, I can't talk to my son". Anyway, that's another long story, but my point is I think his alcoholism stems from his hurt from a long time ago and I think his irresponsibility stems from the alcohol. No, this life is definitely not "functional".
The other aspect (of your original post) is that you are not likely to get "shoulded" by Al-Anon in any way... our program works by people sharing their stories and experiences with each other, as opposed to being a "how to" book on the best way to deal with your alcoholic.... You will likely hear suggestions of what has worked for others, but there is likely no judgement about what you 'should or should not do', in terms of how much you detach, etc.... In a nutshell, Al-Anon simply encourages you to place the one person whom you CAN control at the top of your priority list - that person being you.
Keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
