The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's the best advice I've ever taken and have learned that's whatever happens, things are going to be ok.....
I've been there. I've been separated from my husband not 3 (as in 3 strikes-you are out) but 5....FIVE times (currently separated) Yes it becomes old news, but all in all as broken as we are, we also have the ability to heal. AL-ANON is an AMAZING program.
My issues became old news to some of my long-term friends, and I beleive it even became old news to my Sponsor (who luckily still stands by me :) ) and they themselves decided to detach and do not call as often. They are social drinkers, one of them is a middle school teacher who smokes pot everyday, but of course, she does not have a "problem". The other is WAY too obsessed against politics and religion that has made her very apathetic to people in general, but I am no one to say anything, because, oh yes, I have my dysfunctions.......
What I do, Is I try not to take it too personally, like me, they have the right to feel whatever way they do. When they do that, it's their form of detaching, perhaps not with program but it it affects their serenity they will, they've probably seen you and your family suffer too much, and when we don't take the "outsiders" adivice, they themselves feel helpless........I don't blame them. Now I try not to discuss to much about my issues and I've made lifelong friends in Al-ANON, but it is ESSENTIAL to respect ALL TRADITONS.........That's what works for me.
In my Hispanic culture, we love parties and many times there will be alchohol.....however, the ones that get too drunk or overly drunk, do get criticized. I try to put a deaf ear to these situations, and it's not easy sometimes.
You know, we can be condependent with friends too huh? ALL in all, I do what works for me and keeps me healthy. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" Eleanor Roosevelt........ People change, and friends will come and go. :)
But our most important friend, is ourselves....take tender, loving care of yourself.
-- Edited by RoseODAT on Friday 11th of January 2013 05:42:55 PM
I am a newcomer and my husband and I (married 4.5 years) have both been sober since Mar. 9. We stopped drinking after a peak incident that was violent and scary, where my husband became an aggressor and I was agressed on. I wondered if there were any others out there that deal with the judgement of others for staying w their husband after an awful experience like that? I hadn't considered reaching out before, but now that I am 10 months into sobriety, I keep thinking friends will be supportive eventually but they are not supportive of me staying w my husband, and I have actually lost 4 of my newer friends. Two who are disgusted and want nothing more to do with us, and two who believe they are loving me by not enabling me to stay with my husband. I don't regret staying with my husband, but I do struggle with how much fallout and judgement I've had to endure from people who, now, I would not be able to count on. As we grow better, I feel more isolated. The fear of being judged affects my work, and especially because I want to reach out when I have fears related to our peak incident, and I don't really have friends to talk to and process those feelings with. The alcohol just keeps having consequences. Part of me wishes I could just hide the fact there was an incident ever, but I am just too changed by it. I feel like it's as much a part of me as my sobriety. I have faith in our recovery, but I need friends in this new chapter that are as on board w our recovery as we are. Anyway, I was wondering if other partners had this experience where the community around you shifts so much and leaves you feeling isolated when you need friends the most?
Also, I tried to join the chatroom and had a java error message, would anyone know how to help with that? I downloaded the plugin, but now have a "startup error, unable to view interface pixx" message?
I am sure you are attending AA meetings and would like to suggest that you now try to include a few alanon meetings into your schedule. It is at alanon face to face meetings that I really learned how to keep the focus on myself, trust HP, live one day at a time and share my pain with others who truly understand. In alanon we do not give advise or judge You and your secrets are safe. it is important to break the isolation and connect with others who truly understand
Betty, I do have plans to attend face to face, and that is good to know that it will be a place for support, because I was worried about showing up and being inappropriate in my struggle of wanting support keeping my family together.
RoseODAT, I greatly appreciate your insight. I think I will work on sharing my struggles in appropriate settings, like at a face to face meeting or in this discussion board--with people who can relate to the experience. That is an interesting idea of being codependent on friends. That has made me think a bit. And the idea of being my own friend is a new idea to me. And I do get what you mean about friends feeling helpless and needing to detach because it disrupts their serenity.
I'm so grateful I posted and joined. I was feeling so alone about this. Today was a great day.
((((Beekee)))) welcome and keep coming back...keep the courage to stay connected to MIP. Alcoholism affects everything it comes into contact with so don't feel that what's happened is unusual and unacceptable. I was told that I had to separate myself from all things alcohol in early recovery and I did...whatever was left of it and what I have in my life today is solid and so appreciated. One of the groups of people I had to separate myself from was my family of orgin...and I am and it is good cause they are still practising the disease and I'm not...having peace of mind, serenity and sobriety now is a huge asset...huge gift. Keep coming back and get into those face to face rooms and may I suggest extending your hand out in front of you to the fellowship and asking "Can you please help me" ? That is what I did that worked for me along with most of all of the other suggestions. (((((hugs)))))
I think most of us here, have lost friends due to our relationships. I know that I have. They just don't understand that alcoholism is a disease. I told one of my best friends, that I don't see much anymore, that SHE wouldn't leave HER husband if he had cancer. She didn't understand. We agreed to disagree. Now, she seems to see me as a person to pity. So, I don't see her much anymore. I don't need any pity. Believe me, I've had enough pity parties myself that I didn't need any assistance. But now, I do have good friends that don't seem to judge and I am much happier. I have heard somewhere, that if you have 5 good friends by the age of 50, you are truly blessed. It is interesting to me, that if I needed help, I wouldn't hesitate to call any of my AH's AA members. I don't drink, haven't ever had an issue with alcohol, but I WOULD trust almost all of them with MY life. Recovering alcoholics are brutally honest people and I am honored to call them friends. I also have my Alanon members as friends... the same goes for them. They know my deepest secrets and you don't share them unless you trust who you are talking to. Go to some Alanon meetings, if there is someone that you connect with and like, ask them out for coffee after and just visit. I haven't run across many people in any of these meetings, that would turn you away. These boards are awesome. But we all need face to face people in our lives also. Get out there.... you may be pleasantly surprised the new friends you are about to have!
Turning to your non-Alanon friends for help is like the alcoholic going to someone not in AA for help. You will better find the support and caring and help that you need in Alanon. I have been much more active in AA than alanon, but I will relate that when I came into AA, I was intimidated and scared, but also miserable and desperate. I used to ask for help from my parents, bosses, other friends. I made pleas for understanding, but that was mostly because I was scared and I didn't know how to change. None of those folks gave me good suggestions either. When you go to alanon, you will be in a group of people that know where you have been, they have been there, they will not judge you. They might suggest ways for you to change your thinking but it's the only place where you will get suggestions to build you up instead of what "nonalanon" folks would say such as "Why do you stick with that loser?" You are not crazy. You deserve friends. You just are not going to get it from folks that do not understand.
I do have the experience of having been through a relationship with both of us were drunks. Ulitmately I had to leave to get sober on my own because he was never going to do it "with" me. Me and my ex had some brutal brutal fights that were 90 percent alcohol feuled on both our parts. Of course you don't deserve to be the victim of aggression ever...BUT, I do understand redemption, forgivenes, and rebuilding trust through AA. I suspect your friends have heard more of how he aggressed on you, but in my relationship, the level of violence and arguing went both ways when we drank. Nobody deserved to get hit, slapped, threatened....etc. But the likelihood of that happening increased as I started screaming in his face too and losing control of myself. That was my part in it.
To thine own self be true. What you are explaining is not that uncommon in the rooms of AA and alanon, but like you said, outsiders are baffled and confused. Don't expect understanding from folks who are not qualified to give it.
This is such refreshing feedback. I don't even have the words for how it feels to have a place to go to talk freely without judgement and to get insight that is meaningful to my life and my dreams.
Mark, you feedback makes sense to me. I feel like I went about seeking out support the wrong way at first, even seeking support from coworkers--not so much out of wanting their help as much as the emotions were affecting my work and I thought explaining would help create understanding, but it just made me look bad--but I was coming from a place of feeling very desperate and isolated, and I just made bad decisions in my efforts to rebuild my life. I wish I had known not to seek comfort from friends who don't understand, because I do miss those friends. I will look forward to the day when I make friends who are better able to appreciate the dynamic of having a family affected by alcohol. I very much want to laugh again. I think for my part, I helped make sure the alcohol was there, and then I tried to get smart about it to keep hangovers off, which made it easier to drink even more. I get what you mean about playing a part to contribute to it. I will reflect on that.
Jerry, I think I will have to practice letting people help me, lol. :) I am not good at that yet. I don't think I know who to ask and how to ask for it such that it is appropriate!
Stanely, thank you very much for the feedback about how alcoholism is a disease and you don't leave your husband if he has cancer, so why should alcoholism be different? I don't want friends that will pity me. In a way, that isn't distancing oneself from alcohol as much as it is keeping it close but just not talking about it. That's what I get from that.
I found some meeting times in my community for this week and I am going to try and make it to one or two this week. Peace and great, great thanks~
